I will make changes to this story with the writing suggestions and tips I've gotten.
|Jared looked at the burning city of Zatire from the safety of a mountain. He stood frozen with desperate fear and sadness as he thought about all the people who died such a painfully tormenting deaths of burning and suffocation from smoke. He smelled traces of the inferno carried by the wind.
Jared felt even lonelier than when he was in his bomb shelter that was on mount Nethal about ten miles from Zatire, the only colony on planet Rune. Never before had he observed something so ominously frightening. His beloved home was engulfed like trees in a wildfire that devoured the once beautiful buildings. He felt helpless and abandoned. Nervous tension filled his body as he thought about what he should do now. He was still entranced and horrified with the never ending fire and smoke that rose up to the stratosphere. His mind could not pull itself from this embodiment of hell. The fire burned endlessly and the darkness of the smoke was like an evil presence looming over the cityscape. It took hours until he was able to think somewhat.
Jared got on his knees, folded his hands and poured his heart out.
"Oh God if your there please save me. I know I've never prayed before but please have mercy."
He coughed and went back into his shelter if only to avoid the horrible sight. He felt safer and more comfortable in the confines of his bomb shelter.
Now he felt his hunger. Eating was just the distraction he needed. His mouth watered as he looked through his rations. A nice juicy hamburger would do perfectly. After enjoying his meal his tiredness finally overcame him mostly from the mental strain from the shock of looking at the city aflame. It was like smoke from an enormous furnace. His head spun from mental exertion and he collapsed on to his bunk in the shelter. What do I do? Is there any life left besides me? I wish this was a dream or a nightmare more fittingly. What do I do next? His mind filled with more desperate questions but he tried to push them all to the side in order to satisfy his desire to rest. But even in sleep he found no rest. His dreams were full of exploding vehicles and screams of agony from dying or injured soldiers. Although he did not witness all of these hellish sights and sounds, his mind conjured these things from his own lost and tormented soul. He tossed and writhed in his bed with these images plaguing his subconscious. Then his eyes opened quickly and he was in a hot sweat. His mind was involuntarily brooding on the horrors of the war. He had to focus something. So he again turned to prayer.
“Dear Lord, please help me. I’m all alone and I fear I’ll die here soon if something doesn’t happen. Send help I pray.”
Then as though God new everything that was happening to Jared, he heard a voice coming from outside the shelter. It was faint and in English. His hands were trembling with anticipation of making contact with another human. Tears of joy ran down his face and his heart beat like a child waiting to open birthday present. He came out of the hatch and jerked his head in every direction as he called out.
“Hello? I’m here! Is anybody out there? Please answer!”
“Down here!” The voice came from a person in ash covered uniform. Jared recognized the same happiness and relief in the eyes of the soldier. It was like two long lost brothers being reunited.
Jared ran down the mountain to meet the man.