Another one of my attempts to vent
God has a plan for every single person on the Earth. You cannot control the inevitable. God would never throw something at you that you could not handle. I dont question why he tests me — i question why he trusts me so much. Why does He allow these things fill my life and destroy it? I dont understand. I want to curl into a ball and cry. I want to rummage through my father’s things in search of his gun, lift it with my shaky hands and pull the trigger. I am stronger than that though, and i do not want to die. I just want life to be easier — more enjoyable. I want to look forward to waking up the next day instead of dreading it. I want to shake this feeling of rejection thrown at me in so many different forms. I try to limit who I let in because people cause pain. The more people you let in your life and share your thoughts with means more chances to get hurt. More chances to be crushed and stepped on, and spit on cuz the possability of a life filled with no betrayal of a “friend” no hurt or loss or heartbreak is none. It is imposable. So why do things happen in quantaties? If my dad is going to be seriously injured undergoing surgeries and under the influence of pain meds with extreme side effects, then why do Master Turner and Mr. Brayman have to accuse Connor and I of having a relationship on the same day? Why does Connor’s hours have to get cut while I go from school to karate with no oppertunity to eat through the course of my day. Stress has the potential to ruin lives. Most of it is uncontrolable. I cant control whether or not dad’s surgery will be succesful or not after 4 tries. I cant control how much homework i will get or how many hours connor will work this week. I CAN however control how I choose to deal with this inevitable stress. I could sit and feel sorry for myself. I could forget about everyother person in the world who have it worse than me and wollow in self pitty……..OR………I can prey for my dad to be healthy soon, and i can be supportive of Connor’s financial difficulty. I can talk with Mr. Brayman and Master Turner and attempt to come to a mutual understanding of our relationship and try to be what they want me to be and do what i need to in order to stop the constant disputes. Evaluation of one’s priorities is the key to happyness. And I have decided that the passion i have for karate is too important for little battles between MT and Mr. B to be conclusive in my discontinuation of training and teaching karate. That the casual small talk with my dad is more important than my efforts to avoid him but more so the drugs. That connor’s gas tank is more important than my stomach. I need not to settle, but to take what God has given me in this point of my life and accept it. Because afterall, stress is only as real as it is made out to be.