*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1749132
Rated: 18+ · Draft · Comedy · #1749132
Some lines I use in my daily life... (always edited).
- Life is a Jack Nickelson. It does all the shit to you and still you survive. And that's the worst part.

- Excuse me, have you been a moron for a long time?

- My best friend is a human being, but he's getting well.

- "Are you OK sir?", "Why, yes! No pain at all!", "No, no, I mean mentally?".

- I wanted a hair cut last month. Ambulance came in then.

- Everyone will remember your name, when you forget theirs.

- Mom asked me not to say the word "fuck" again... oh fuck I said it!

- I loved a woman. My life, then, began.
- I broke up with a woman. My life, then, began.
- If my talk is in contradiction, have you seen my life?

- Certain people are so smart, just like another book on the shelf.

- I have a dream. Gosh, finally.

- People mock me 'cause I'm an Arab, then ask me about the situation in Tehran. (?)

- I don't wanna get rich. I just wanna get everything I wish for.

- It's not a shame to get fucked. It's a shame to make it a habit. (a friend).

- I studied physics. Up till that time, I never knew what anal sex is.

- For a thirty years old single man, love, passion and sex are all 3 faces to the same coin. Exactly, such thing does not exist.

- Life, life, life. What I wouldn't do to get one.

- Wanna know how sarcasm "looks" like? Take the word "Khara". In Arabic it means "shit" and in Greek it means "Good". Ironically then, I can say I've never had a shit in my life. Go figure.

- Disgusted? I understand. Never been in "life" before, eh?

- Children are amazingly great sound engineers. My nephews cries in one spot in the house and I could hear his shouts from 3 different directions.

- Focus, please. Without the smell.

- A cake with a shit on one side, would you still eat it? The decision is yours. That's life. (a friend)

- I'm not social with people, but people keep pushing me to socialize. Now, if they are pushing me to socialize, how come I'm not social in the first place since they do this already?

- My religion prohibits me from drinking alcohol. Hence, I've invented daydreaming.

- When I say I eat "socks" and "shoes," even though this is disgusting, but I mean it figuratively. I smell them.

- I hate cars. They drive me nuts.

- Carrots are good for eyesight. Bunnies don't wear glasses, do they? (old joke)

- Whenever you feel down, just a take a shower. There is always a chance you might slip, knock your head and die.

- Some people get mad at me 'cause I'm against homosexuality, and call me a racist. A what?

- I've just realized that "the other way around" is a favorite quote among gays.

- I'm not smart. You're just stupid, that's all. (a friend)

- I'm a photographer, 'cause I couldn't bear the reality of people.

- My connection is so slow, that it needs a prozac of its own.

- Philosophy: how to get rich in the cheapest way. Finance: how to get poor in the elegant way.

- Great minds think alike. Great friends fart alike. (a friend)

- I had a girlfriend 25 years ago. That was in kindergarten. Too bad we didn't know what "relation" means back then.

- I used to live... then I woke up.

- I came from a place in this world where everyone talks politics, even my toilet.

- I came from a place in this world where ordering by DHL became a source of joy.

- Where do kids come from? I think from the backdoor, 'cause all the kids in my country act like shit. (a friend)

- Wish life was a piece of shit... that way I can just flush it. (a friend)

- The reason why smart people die early is all because of the stupidity around them. (a friend)

- If stupidity was a crime... all will be in jails! (a friend)

- If all the roads lead to Rome, then why mine leads to work? (a friend)

- Definition of work: a way to shorten your life as much as possible. (a friend)

- It's a good thing to have goals in our lives, but do we have a life? (a friend)

- The first thing I do after I wake up is sleep again. (a friend)

- Life is a roller coaster, but not much fun in it. (a friend)

- Being a ghost is a way to look back at life and how good it is that you're dead. (a friend)

- Life offers you opportunities in such a way that no matter what you pick up, you gonna get fucked up anyway. (a friend)

- There is always a positive side to bad things. Yeah to the person who didn't get them. (a friend)

- If life is too hard for you just choose the "normal" difficulty (a gamer point of view). (a friend)

- People want to play life on "easy" level, but unfortunately the joystick went missing.

- Always live life on the edge. Easy to jump off that way. (a friend)

- Life is a soda can. It's so easy to drink from the can, but the grip is broken.

- In my place, the only way to say sorry to your wife is to buy her a new car.

- I don't complain about my bad luck usually, but bad luck doesn't stop praising me.

- Happiness is something relative. Misery isn't.

- Everything in life happens for a reason. Apparently, intelligence isn't enlisted.

- I reached a level in this life where you dig up the meaning of "shit" in Webster's dictionary, definitely the definition would be "your life".

- When I learned the facts about sex, I just knew that all that time, I was masturbating instead.

- I'm a lab technician, that's why I write such a crap.

- I really appreciate my work. It allows me not to work.

- If only life offers me free classes on pimpology. I wonder then how your life would be?

- It's always funny when it happens to someone else. The bad news is, it's always you.

- Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank you for reading my crap.

- I come from a place where Jamiroquai is mistaken for a lobster.

- It's always a "take it or leave it" situation in this life. Eventually, life didn't give me another option other than "take it", and I'm not telling where in.

- Please, always check your spelling. "Popeye" is not the same as "Poopeye". The former is a cartoon and the latter is an acronym for "life".

- A successful life, starts with a rehab.

- Love is blind. Otherwise, I wouldn't be with an ugly one like you.

- Some people suggested that I do stand-up comedy. Why would I do my life all over again?

- People with their manners are like animals with their habits, except they are loose.

- I was once interrogated for taking a photo of a tree on the highway some kilometers away from a sensitive building, because they thought me a terrorist. Now excuse me, if a terrorist walks around with a camera, wouldn't life be much more beautiful than this?

- People make a check list. For my life, I make a shit list.

- When life gives you lemon, make lemonade. When life gives you shit, be a toilet.

- In my country, everyone is rich. Even the poor.

- Coffee before going to bed. The perfect substitute for a wife.

- If reading all of these lines makes you think I'm crazy, then please take a look in the mirror.

- In this era after year 2000, "Nervous Breakdown" should be enlisted as an Olympic game.

- I'm accused of being lazy. If I was so, you wouldn't see me knowing about these accuses, right?

- The more I live with people, the more I appreciate cats and dogs.

- I'm not a cat person. Do you see dogs chase and bark at me all around?

- "Everyone is hiding behind a mask" is a favorite quote for ugly women.

- "Love is blind" is a favorite quote for ugly (inappropriate) men.

- My shoe laces got loose. And that's when the world stopped revolving.

- Sleep well, eat well, and you will live miserable a little bit longer.

- In German, when someone coughs or sneezes they say "Gesundheit" to them, meaning "Health". Does that mean I have to be completely O.K. to die as soon as possible?

- If you see quay. Go figure! :)

- Afternoon naps brings me melancholy afterward, so I decided to be melancholic then have a nap at night.

- If you love your work, I know a good therapist.

- Therapists. They are not something a woman would go to. Yeah, I leave it to your imagination.

- Everything was perfect and astonishing and beautiful about it, and there, right there in the middle, there was an asshole.

- Wanted to see how Heaven looks like, maybe after death I won't get the chance to get there, so I got a ticket to Ireland.

- When no one hears you, when no one cares for you, remember, there is always Youtube.

- What happens in China, stays out of Google.

- How does it feel to not feel?

- There is always a truth amid the lies. All you have to do is bring some glasses. Of wine of course.

- It's easy to become an astrologer. Just be an Australian.

- Politics: The elegant way to say "Bullshit" to someone.

- America. The place where you can legally be a racist, under one condition. You got to be a comedian.

- In the West, they call it art. Here, we call it "get naked and get paid".

- An optimist is someone who doesn't see where the problem is. A pessimist just predicts it.

- From the perspective of an atheist, a cucumber and the sky are practically the same because both are made of 90% of water.

- A child's drawing book can be a great source of information, but we need the mind to deduct them.

- Don't mind the stupidity. It's nature's way to keep us busy anyway. Unless you're the one I'm talking about here.

- If you keep reading "hit" as "shit" then you don't need an ophthalmologist, but a psychiatrist.

- Now, imagine those spam messages that you find in your inbox on a daily basis are literally salespersons knocking on your door as per everyday. Aren't you grateful for the era of emails?

- Back home we had cars, cars shed, garden, trees, and many other beautiful things. The only thing is that, it wasn't my house.

- Stupidity and racism are synonyms. You can't eliminate all the people around the world, can you?

- Maybe we shouldn't complain about life after being in thirties. We are supposed to know how is it by that time, aren't we?

- No dear. Salmonella is not a salmon born and raised in Italy.

- Sociopath, is just a technical term for what we commonly call, asshole.

- (this is special for some friend): If 2.8 gigabytes can be sent by an email, then why I'm complaining about life being so hard on me?

- When someone tells you "get the hell out of here!" all you have to do is, simply, ask them to leave then.

- "Risk" was one of my favorite board games. Until the time I played it with a Russian and a German.

- When you play Ladders and Snakes with your kids and discuss with them who should be the winner, it's a must that you have be a politician, or a lawyer.

- Measuring the effects on a long term, music is far better than alcohol.

- I'm not a racist. I just laugh at how different other people are from me.

- In these times we're living, how much difference does it make to call someone "criminal"?

- ... and she looked so beautiful, and her face was glowing for me in the darkest of times. Until I realized it was a lamp post.

- Being single is just life's way of telling you: you got nothing to lose.

- I couldn't understand the world around me. Only then, I've discovered that I was deaf.

- Until the time I listened to music on the radio when I was a kid, just until then, I realized that uncle was farting and not singing all the time.

- Every now and then I hear my friend say "holy shit". Then I discovered his wife's name was Holly Schitt.

- No, no. I don't smoke crack. I'm just alive, that's all.

- Your momma is so big that I need a fisheye lens to include her all in one shot.

- You can say whatever you want here, and I can do whatever I want too.

- I get so nervous when I do personality tests, so much that they turn tests of personality.

- I don't mind work, but work minds me.

- Random Theory: How much bad luck you have in a day is relative to how much scattered mind you have.

- A car with five kids in it. That makes hell like having a vacation. (a friend)

- It's a good day when you turn on the radio in early morning on your way to work, and listen to Daniel Powter's "Bad Day".

- And did you indeed believe in some life forms in Uranus?

- Sometimes life makes itself the same on Earth and Uranus.

- If I had a kid I would surely raise him up to be a good man. Until he gets married.

-The English say: calm waters do not make a good sailor. We say: A car accident does not make a good dead man.

- The process of being sarcastic is easy. Just find something you hate and try to be passionate about it.

- I might understand the question "who won the Nascar?", but "what happened in Nascar?" is something worthy for a moment of silence.

- Drinking is a bad habit. What's the point of escaping reality for some time and getting back to it. Death is a much better option.

- Dear, you don't have to work hard on it. All you have to do is be yourself and I will hate you from the bottom of my heart.

- He is a good man. Only if he was just alive.

- Define "Bad Luck"? Well, it is the situation when all your friends play FarmVille and you're the only one that plays "Treasure Island".

- Silence. It exists. (a friend)

- To all people who like to talk about themselves: what's the point of discussing the matter of shit?

- Question: Spell "Life". Answer: F, U, C, K.

- Question: Spell "Mississippi". Answer: M, I, S, P, in some order.

- If I work in or with something I like the most, then what is left for fun?

- You know what I like the most about you? Your back.

- Some people mock at me 'cos I'm left-handed and I tend to use some tools in an awkward way. Well, sorry, but it's not my fault to live among retarded people! Who said I like my life anyway?

- With a topper, it's better to be silent. Nothing satisfies a topper. If you tell him "I'm an angel" he would say "I'm god" and if you say "I'm god", and if you say "I'm god" he would say "I'm god of gods".

- A good atheist, is a believing one.

- I'm so busy nowadays. Eating, drinking, complaining.

- Oh yes, yes. I remember him. He was a human being, wasn't he?

- Life is a game, some levels are hard, some levels are easy. The question is though, how many lives left for you?

- Expect everything from the world of music, even singing.

- Some people try to be philosophers and discuss the existence of God. Unfortunately, their philosophy did not tell what's the benefit of disbelieving in God?

- Today, it was one beautiful morning. If only I didn't have to wake up.

- From all the stupidity all around the world, this is the one I have to deal with? C'mon.

- ... the last I remember was "How you doing, punk?".

- I keep saying to myself "I need a change" always. For the past 30 years.

- It was the glorious moment in history, when the word "fuck" was invented. It has become the answer for many difficulties.

- Someone advised me with this: "I am silent because my mother always said if you do not have anything nice to say then do not say anything at all". Hence, I figured out they have a problem differentiating between the verb "type" and "say," and it's not my problem if the best I can type is "fuck".

- What happens on Facebook, stays in Lamebook.

- The funniest thing I've ever heard from someone was... "I care".

- After experimenting, and long hard working hours, I've came up with the absolute conclusion, that playing chess with yourself, doesn't make you a genius.

- Sometimes your life sounds so catastrophic that getting screwed up at work can be actually a happy event.

- You only need Photoshop to do some work on your photos when something goes wrong, and that's all the time.

- Life is life, we can do nothing about it but complain.

- Life has ways to make you useless. One of these ways is to let you live.

- Thank God, prozac is not suppository.

- We always complain about horrifying smells; socks, shoes, armpits. Think again, please. Ever thought how it is to be a dog?

- I study photography, and I work as a part-time paparazzi.

- A pain in the butt. The job I tried to occupy long time ago and ended up being the employer.

- "Dyslexic" is not the same as "Byslexic". The former means someone with Dyslexia, and the latter means you ARE dyslexic.

- Moronology. The art of finding stupidity where it shouldn't be.

- you can beat me, torture me, kill me, but that won't change the ultimate truth. You're a moron.

- When no one understands you, this raises 2 points of concern:
1. You're too smart, or,
2. You're a weirdo in a moron sense.
However, both choices don't change the fact that the situation sucks.

- Now, I don't know how my brain works but there is one fact about it for sure: I don't have any.

- In love, there are no winners or losers. There is dead or alive, and I'm dead already.

- Be open and transparent with people. This gives you the power and the legitimacy for the right of being pissed off at them.

- I was a bit angry yesterday. I counted to 10 to calm down. On his face, of course.

- You are born and people wish if you can talk. Then you talk and people wish if you listen. Then you become silent and people wish if you have something to say, and when you say it no one listens. Isn't it better to talk and listen to the One now?

- It's easy to be smart. Just watch stupid people and don't do what they do. Unless you're one.

- If you have a problem socializing in ... China, then I'm sorry to say that you suck!

- I don't say I'm smart. I just see stupidity every where.

- You call it homicide. I call it sparing oxygen.

- To raise, or not to raise out of bed. That is the question... on weekends.

- Japan: Your last hope to realize that you are a human being.
© Copyright 2011 SeanFear (seanfear at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates have been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work.
Log in to Leave Feedback
Username:
Password:
Not a Member?
Signup right now, for free!
All accounts include:
*Bullet* FREE Email @Writing.Com!
*Bullet* FREE Portfolio Services!
Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1749132