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Rated: E · Other · Reviewing · #1755452
Class assignment
I am reviewing you as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy

I believe it is a privilage to review another's work. Nothing in this review is intend to offend or upset in any way. This is my own personal opinion.

*FlowerV*Story Development
The story shows us a snippet from the life of a disillusioned man, from childhood to the incident that personifies his embittered and cold heart.

The arc of the character stems from a kind, proud and gernerous young child and develops in to a jaded adult, who has come in contact with poverty on a daily basis and has learnt to brush it aside. The character has a nice line in description as to how 'they' the homeless see him. ' ...in my nice clothes hanging on me like a target'

He relates his hatred and distain for the down and outs through the language that he uses as they try to tap him for a few dollars. 'So it follows me inside.' in parqagraph seven is a stark example.

He will go to various measures to avoid them. The pressure he feels, is nicely built up to the harsh, unfeeling and shocking climax.

I noticed quite a few mistakes, here are some of them.
'As a child I was SO proud...' Put in italics to emphasises rather than capitals.
'my hard earned kid money' 's' is missing.
"Could".HA. As if it was a choice. Could,Ha! Only use " for speech.
'none the less' In paragraph four should be one word - nonetheless.
'Moldy', in paragraph six is misspelt and should be 'Mouldy'.
It is always a good idea to utilise the word programme you are using to check your spelling and other errors.

Perhaps look at words that you repeat such as money and find an alternative. Using the ideanary on WDC is very useful or there are many on line thesauruses.

An Interesting and stimulating point of view demonstrating how people become immune and numb to the plight of another's poverty, when they encounter it, over and over again. A stark warning to us all.
Writers Write


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Japanese Paper Dolls
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