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Rated: E · Other · Reviewing · #1755452
Class assignment
I am reviewing you as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy


I believe it is a privilage to review another's work. Nothing in this review is intend to offend or upset in any way. This is my own personal opinion.



*FlowerV*Story Development
The story shows us a snippet from the life of a disillusioned man, from childhood to the incident that personifies his embittered and cold heart.

*FlowerB*Characters
The arc of the character stems from a kind, proud and gernerous young child and develops in to a jaded adult, who has come in contact with poverty on a daily basis and has learnt to brush it aside. The character has a nice line in description as to how 'they' the homeless see him. ' ...in my nice clothes hanging on me like a target'

He relates his hatred and distain for the down and outs through the language that he uses as they try to tap him for a few dollars. 'So it follows me inside.' in parqagraph seven is a stark example.

He will go to various measures to avoid them. The pressure he feels, is nicely built up to the harsh, unfeeling and shocking climax.

*FlowerR*Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling
I noticed quite a few mistakes, here are some of them.
'As a child I was SO proud...' Put in italics to emphasises rather than capitals.
'my hard earned kid money' 's' is missing.
"Could".HA. As if it was a choice. Could,Ha! Only use " for speech.
'none the less' In paragraph four should be one word - nonetheless.
'Moldy', in paragraph six is misspelt and should be 'Mouldy'.
It is always a good idea to utilise the word programme you are using to check your spelling and other errors.

*FlowerY*Suggestions
Perhaps look at words that you repeat such as money and find an alternative. Using the ideanary on WDC is very useful or there are many on line thesauruses.

*FlowerY*Overall
An Interesting and stimulating point of view demonstrating how people become immune and numb to the plight of another's poverty, when they encounter it, over and over again. A stark warning to us all.
Writers Write

*Pencil*


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Japanese Paper Dolls
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