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Rated: E · Documentary · Emotional · #1757307
Documenting my life with cancer
                                                        " I Have Cancer? "  Part 7

      What I had forgot to mention earlier was in fact one of the reasons that led me to make a bad decision. The Dr who was in charge of my Chemo therapy told me in the beginning that they would take care of any needs I had. If the pain was too bad they would make sure I would have anything I needed in that regard. That was why, when the pain management Dr. began to disagree with me that my pain level should not be that high and denied me more medication, I decided to medicate on my own. I developed an attitude that they did not understand nor would regard the possibility that I was indeed in worse pain. I became indignant given what my Oncologist had said in the beginning.

  What had happened was that during the surgery many nerves in my neck were injured or severed causing me to have loss of movement in my left arm and neck. Added to that was now the surrounding muscles were in knots trying to support areas that were no longer receiving a signal to move. and I had new pain in my neck that was incredible to this day still. At times I would sit for no longer then 10 minutes at the computer and feel as if a knife were being plunged into my neck. That is how bad it hurt. I could not sleep and waking up every day was excruciating to feel the pain again every morning.

  What the urine sample reveal the Dr. confronted me with and instead of kicking me out of her care, offered to continue but she now was going to cut all the medications back until I had none. So I was given a choice to stay or find another Pain management Dr. I oped for the later and my choice in this matter caused me even worse problems as you will see.

  The Dr. gave me another prescription for another month and we parted company. I felt it would not be a problem finding another Dr and so was happy that I would now be treated properly and not have to argue about my pain with her any more. But it became a bad choice for a while.

  As the month drew toward it end , I still had not found another Dr who would take new patients. Something I had not considered. Also my radiation treatment was complete and a week after that I began to lose hair and burn marks appeared all over my face , neck , chest, and back. It was horrifying and painful. But what was to come next was even worse.

  My medications ran out at the end of the month and I had not found a new Dr. In my state of Delaware it seems there is a large amount of illegal activity in selling pain meds on the streets and out of fear of losing their license to practice, Dr's began to cut back and not take on new patients. I can see their point also and had I known that at the time, perhaps I might have used more soundness of mind in what I did.

  As I mentioned, I had been on Methadone as one of the heavy duty pain control medicines. It is also been stated that it is a synthetic substitute for Heroin and used primary to treat addicts and cancer patients. None the less the withdrawal are identical to those of what an addict goes through without his dope! I found out shortly after my meds ran out.

  I have been through a lot in life, but I must say one thing. I will never be an addict for sure. I think at one point I thought that the withdrawals were never going to end. For 10 days I went from sweating so bad the bed sheets and pillows were soaked to freezing cold. This went on back and forth, back and forth. And still there was the pain to deal with also. It is enough to drive you out of your mind and wish that you were not even alive at times.

  To make matters worse I still had no Pain Dr. So trying to cope was now even worse because all the pain returned with a vengeance as well as my back pain. Before being diagnosed with cancer I had been going through injections to ease the lower back pain I felt that had gotten so bad to cause me to lose feeling in both legs and at times I could not stand. Surgery was not an option at the time because I needed to work. So now here I am with burns, neck pain and loss of motion in my neck and shoulders and no medication. This is where I made my next mistake.

  I finally made it through the withdrawals after 10 long days. I don't think I left the bed for more then a few minutes a day then. But I had a bigger problem now. What was I going to do to kill the pain. Well my first instinct, which may not sound good, worked as a temporary stop gap measure and at least my pain was cut back. Probably more like I was just out of it is a better way to describe it.

  My caregiver agreed that it was all I could do at the time being and so didn't complain much because of knowing the horrible pain I was going through. But turning to alcohol is not nor never will be a substitute for medication and in the end will cause you many more problems then it is worth. But being the hard head that I was felt justified to drink even though I have been in recovery for years as an alcoholic. It is funny that we use that same rational no matter how long we are sober. It just fall right onto place again.

  Needless to say that lasted about a month longer before it caused me more problems and thankfully I finally found a new pain management Dr. I will conclude now in the next chapter with my battle with cancer.

Thank you S A Gibbins                                                           

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