The Optometrist

And you thought the dentist was bad....A satirical look at a visit to the eye doctor.

Going to the Eye Doctor


First, you check in and just as any good doctor’s office will have you do, you wait! It’s not so bad if you don’t know what to expect, but if you know about the torture devices behind the door, the wait is terrifying.

Next, a technician calls you back. The first machine is so innocent, so luring to the novice, like giving candy to a child before the horror begins.

“Take off your glasses,” she says. The blinding process begins. You look in at a lovely picture of a hot air balloon in the distance. The balloon goes in and out of focus, then you're done. “That was easy,” the novice says. For the experienced though, it’s all you can do to put your chin on the rest provided because you do not know what pure evil will spit out of that machine.

Next, you switch to another device. There’s no pretty picture here, only a tiny green dot that moves closer, dangerously closer, to your very fragile eye. “Don’t blink,” the wicked technician says cheerfully. What do you mean? Don’t blink! You are about to gouge my eye out! Like a lamb to the slaughter, the novice will trustingly stare into the green light. Me though? I have to cling to the bars, tears rolling down my face, and watch the green dot come agonizingly closer.

BAM!!!

The torturer’s apprentice blasts air in your eye at the speed of the shuttle being hurled into space.

“I’m sorry,” she cheerfully says, “but you blinked. We’ll have to do it again.” No, WE WON’T, Evil Eye Nazi!

Now shaking and venerable, she leads you back to a darkened room in the bowels of the building to await the growing heavy footsteps coming ominously towards you.

The Dark Lord enters the chamber, then closes and locks the door.

Then the interrogation begins. Read this line, now this line. What does that line say? The letters get smaller and smaller, “What does it say,” he keeps demanding until you are sobbing for mercy. “I don’t know,” you cry, “The letters look like little dots to me.”

The browbeating continues. He shows you two images through a bizarre set of glasses. “Which is better, one or two?” But he goes so quickly! You don’t know! The first one might be a bit clearer. This goes on for hours and hours.

Now you are demoralized, dejected, and starving. Hopeless helpless fear sets in as he reaches for the eye drops.

“I’m going to have to dilate your eyes,” followed by his maniacal laugh. “The first drop might sting,” he continues.

You beg for mercy to no avail. He hold’s your head down and forces your eye open to inject the poison into each socket. “Sting? Sting?” You say. “It feels like acid in my eye!”

Then more waiting while the toxin does its work.

He keeps the dungeon dark so the next stage is more painful. He grabs a blinding light and a small magnifying glass to shine into your poor sensitive eyes. If you’ve ever seen a cruel child direct the sun through such a glass to burn ants, then you can imagine this new torture.

“Look this way”, he yells, “this way…up…down…sideways…down and over…up and back.” The commands come quicker and quicker as you struggle to look in the correct direction least he plucks your eye out points it the way HE wants it pointed.

At last it’s over. He has won this round, and he knows it. He snidely gives you back your glasses and sends you out of the darkened dungeon, but you both know they’re useless. The blinding has been completed.

Out into the fluorescent glare. Your poor pitiful pupils struggle to close, to let in less of the painful light, but it’s in vain. The venom has done its job well.

As a final insult, they give you a pair of “sunglasses.” They look like a cheap paper 3-D movies glasses and they are about as helpful. You put them on and walk through the waiting room with everyone pointing and laughing at you. In pain and humiliation, you stumble for the door.

Too soon, you are in the harsh sunlight, disoriented and confused. You can’t find your car. How do you escape to the safety of home?

The deadly potion won’t wear off for hours. In the meantime, too much light is flooding your tender eye, causing massive headaches. You cannot focus on books or a computer screen. Tears do not wash the poison away quickly enough. Prayer falls on deaf ears.

Frightened and alone, you clutch a small piece of paper that will allow you to purchase glasses or contacts for one more year knowing that will not be enough time to forget the nightmare you just endured.