after reading "history of a suicide" by Jill Bialosky I wrote about my own fears
| My all time great fear is that I will end up dying alone, that I will never be good enough for any other human being to love. When I say love I do not mean how I look or who I could be, however myself flaws and imperfections galore. Basically to never expirence life with the support of someone who believes and encourages. Because of that fear I am never "alone" so to speak. I hop from one meaningless relationship to the next. Every time devouting all of myself to this one other person, and losing bits of myself in the process.
Emily Dickenson says "hope is the thing with feathers/ and sore must be the storm..that could abash the little bird..who kept so many warm" Some times I feel as though I have lost all hope in finding that one person who changes everything with one touch. I know I should love myself enough to have the kind of independence to be single and happy. I dont know where to find those qualities the kind of love for myself to accomplish my dreams. To say out loud that I need validation, that my esteem is directly paralell to the amount of llove that another person has for me is pathetic. Yet my whole life I've been fighting to be good enough, smart enough for my father, talented enough in my writing, pretty enough for a guy, and I get so close I can taste it. After I've tried my best and gave my all I fall short every time.
I suppose that if I could find atleast one person who thinks I'm worth something I could gain the courage and the strength to spread my wings. I want to fly and touch the sky, I just can't find the use of shinny wings if nobody notices when you sore. I'm left wondering what storm abashed my bird, how am I eft out to the cold. Honestly it seems so easy for other people and I dream of that kind of confidence and strength. In fact I am most atractted to men who I see those qualities in. Some how needing it to rub off on me being so close and yet have it still be strange and unfamillar.
I put on a show that I don't care, that's not the case its quite the opposite. I'm gazing at this relection and all I can think of is who I thought I'd be. I'm disapointed and ashamed at what I see, and I'm consumed with this emptiness a void that I can't really pin point yet I try so desperately to fill or to numb. Each time I try to find love and I give all I have to give I'm betrayed, but I keep telling myself "I can't be alone..I'm not strong enough" and the cycle continues. Every time this heart brake occurs I love myself less, I don't understand how no one can say they love me and mean it, and how is it that so many people I am surrounded by are fine with just themselves.
I don't want to die alone, however I do not want to spend my life shoving who every shows up in that lonely void. I struggle to find the love for myself that it truly takes to find another person to love me. I'm just want the security of companionship, and strength to stand alone but the truth is I'm not good enough for myself and I am consumed with regert about who I believe I should be as compares to how weak and vulnerable I really am. To say the least find a meaningful relationship where the other person is sincere about his devoution to me, and learn to except my flaws and embrace and learn from my mistakes.