A whitty essay that will make you laugh. And change your perspective on pants completely.
Who Came Up With This Terrible Idea
Millions of people suffer from Pantitis every day; you could be one of them. This degenerative disease is often harmful and can be fatal. Check for these symptoms:
• Swelling of the Brain
• Your pants are constantly falling down
To be diagnosed today call 1-800-PANTS or go to our web site at www.shredyourpantstoday.org. Be aware of the suffering and pain people go through, stop it before it gets to you.
Very few things in this world annoy me as much as pants. They are extremely bothersome. They’re either so loose that when you walk you flash your panties, or so tight that you can barely sit down without ripping them.
It’s difficult to find a pair of pants that fits you well. But, occasionally you cross paths with your (temporary) pants soul mate….
Once upon a time there was a little (well not so little) girl named Flaudia. She had an older brother, whose name was Ruru. They were cleaning the kitchen on a nice, sunny, day because their evil, rainbow unicorn made a mess eating his cherry flavored wood. Their evil rainbow unicorn left the pixie dust drawer open, and then Ruru tripped Flaudia. She stumbled over the dishwasher, crashed into the spice rack, tripped over her own feet (which by the way takes some MAJOR skill) and started falling backwards in slow motion. Flaudia knew what was happening but she just couldn’t get her body to move the way she needed it to, it must’ve been the effects of the pixie dust. She landed flat on top of the pixie dust drawer and growled her most intimidating growl. Flaudia crawled over to Ruru to tackle him when he drops to the floor, snickering. Flaudia wails, “You’re so mean Ruru, I hate you” Ruru shakes his head and chokes out between laughs
“Your pants…. they’re… ripped… hahaha” Sure enough, there was a hole on her butt; you could even see her pink, and orange, bullfrog panties.
Pants take a lot of energy out of your daily life. They are also a cause of humiliation and embarrassment. A seventh grader at Concord Junior High was “disciplined” for having his underwear showing above his pants, which is against the dress code at this school. He was called into the office of Patricia Walters, the Assistant Principal. She ordered him to lift up his shirt, “This is a bizarre form of discipline” complained the father of the un-named 12 year old. The Assistant Principal pulled the boy’s pants up to his waist and duct taped them there. The parents of this boy were worried that his classmates would mock him.
Okay, if pants cause this much trouble (even for the guys) then why do we wear them? I think it’s because the American society is too worried about fitting in and being cool that they don’t think about comfort. The Scotts got it right; they wear those plaid kilts all day long. They don’t even wear underwear; they just let it all hang loose. Yeah… I admit that’s taking it a bit far.
Not everyone is lucky enough to have pants. What if everyone donates their pants to the less fortunate? Yes, that will help them. The better part of us is doing it. Afterwards we can go buy bikinis and skirts, and hitch the next flight to Hawaii… or even better Fiji.
Young ones who are still in school, it is important to get a good education so you can work at a good law firm or doctors office. If you just shed a tear, right there, its ok you can become a billionaire like Bill Gates. It’s easy enough. Then you can take your entire family there.
No that is just cruel. I wouldn’t let anyone suffer like that. What kind of irrational, crazy person would make you go to school in pants? Definitely not me, and definitely not the Hawaii schools either. My theory is that we can go to school in our swim gear. That wouldn’t be awkward at all.
Whether you like pants or not, you will join me in the dark side and form a rebellion against them.
Spring, summer, winter, or fall
Nothing compares to the way pants fall
On the ground or in the air
On your waist or on your hips
They are atrocious and aggravating
Trousers, pants, or knickers
Whichever you prefer
I don’t like them
And they don’t like me.