When love turns to hate and passions meet obession
I can still feel the breath that is not his lingering on my skin as a silent promise of a future that I could have if only I could find the fingers to grab it with. As the glass representing my life shattered around my head in shards of rain I began to understand. The comprehension of it all cut my skin bleeding out all the unspoken words on papers made of skin.
My life’s skin scarred by events that were out of my control as the dictionary of human physiology fell into my empty lap. There was nothing that could save me, the state in which my mind was in, no knight riding in on his ivory horse with a glistening sword.
My knight had shown me he was really a demon in a handsome disguise with every slap my face suffered on the night where my world crashed into a fiery explosion of truths I had refused to face. And still remains only one wish as I close my eyes every night, that I could erased the hatred he had placed in my heart from one single event. But the event had taken place, playing in my soul every minute of every day.
And I am screaming.
I am screaming at the top of my lungs out in the middle of the street with thunder booming behind me and lightening striking at the very soles of my feet. And for a moment I realize my screams are caught in my throat refusing to make themselves apparent to my loved ones.
I hold them back.
I hold them in the back of my throat so that I will not bother anyone else with the increasing pain in my heart like a thorny vine choking out a magnificent garden. The garden is my soul filled with soothing lavenders, bold sunflowers, gentle lotus blossoms in pools of clear water, graceful lilies, and at the very center a grandeur rose bush filled with milk, incandescent rose blossoms. But these blossoms are dripping with crimson tears poisoning this garden that is my soul and creating a vine so thick, so menacing that the fear that it will never live again is gravely founded.
But there is hope.
A hope so little but a hope so strong that it threatens this vine with the light of love. Although it is very strong like iron instead of a natural force of nature, this light slowly burns at causing the weaker sections to whither away from this Eden.
The small glimpse into a future just out reach began to eat away at my soul tearing into my shattered heart gluing it back together with hope. This hope was fading fast as the depressing reality set in that they would stop following me. I say they but really I mean him. He was no one to me just another neighbor as I made my way through with my eyes on the ground trying so desperately to avoid the cracks in my barren path. When my eyes finally found the strength to meet his the shocking revelation that he was looking some where else knocked the breath out of me and revived the tears still locked away in my heart.
I should have stayed away and I know that now. I wished I had but now it is too late. Now I feel him inside of my mind thinking of him and longing for another kiss so passionate that it made the stars burn brighter in the atmosphere. This was not love, and I was able to contain my emtions enough to be declare it as something that it may have seemed like but was not. No. This was an addiction clearly defined every time I walk out my back door in hopes of seeing him if only for one tiny glimpse. My irritation only increases ten fold every day as we grow further and further from each other because of others. Because of people who refuse to let us go, who refuse to cut the chains off our wings so that we may once again fly in the sun. With both of our mouths drooling for the chance to feel the passion of two bodies colliding in a storm of electricity, we are snatched back by rubber gloves draining us of our dreams every time.
Our souls linger together in a bond that is shared only by us, something tangible but illusive to even our own fingers. He often asks me how I feel but I cannot fully answer because I am consumed by fear that eats away the self esteem he has created with in my bosom. I want to speak out to tell him the things that I toss around in my head but it seems as if every moment I get the chance it is taken for us by either her or him. Our significant other, the other half to the parenting of our very small and grandeur children.
With only a kiss shared between us my body longs for something more than what could have been. I want to seize the moment and take a leap into the unknown because I know that while the end result may be something I might regret in the end- falling with him would be well worth it. I debate in my mind whether or not I will talk to him about the emotional turmoil he has grown inside of me. I often wonder if it would not be better if I just abandon these silly thoughts and move on with my life. But something inside of me is screaming not to.
There is a longing for him that I cannot escape.