A heart-felt message to my dad; missing him on his birthday after he passed away!
|November 6th is only but a week away.
I've yet to figure out, and find a way...still, a year and a half since you left, to mourn. I don't know how to do it...what's right, what isn't; how to say goodbye, and yet still "hold on". It's not in my nature (a trait acquired from you) to show weakness, frailty or wavering in the face of crumbling emotions.
I have spent the past year and a half suppressing what has tried tried to escape from me; the feeling of emptiness, loss and abandonment, and the loneliness only a fabricated and void heart can feel.
To bear witness to the changing seasons, the tides and the phases of the moon over time, only solidifies my belief that as the length of time increases since we've lost you, I still struggle with the reality of knowing we could have shared so much more together.
Crisp morning walks on the golf course, waiting for the frost to clear the greens in the bright, early mornings when you like to play best; your cluttered, yet dysfunctional, yet organized garage where we would spend time either starting another or finally ending one of your many ongoing "projects" are just some of the moments I still yearn for.
I still wake up, ready to face the world and the challenges it has in store for me each particular day, but with a mindset of determination and motivation based on your approval. When I play golf, I leave my clubs behind, only and always play with your set, in at least an attempt to feel that you are with me for the next eighteen holes. But most of all, I find myself on a few occasions, standing in the middle of my garage, feeling lost...just wanting one more "project" to help you on.
Finally, I wait.
I wait for that one "sign" from you....a quiet, subtle whisper out of nowhere; a quick, unsuspecting flash of light or even, as I look towards the night sky, a random shooting star, at the moment that I am wondering if you are "o.k", to send me that signal that says you hear me, that you are "o.k" and that in the long run, everything will be alright. As naive as my heart and soul wants to be, I still wait for that one moment that only I can interpret it as a sign from you....something...anything....and I truly believe, once I feel that has happened, I will be able to mourn completely and without reservation. But until then.....I wait.
Everything I've done since you've left continues to be an attempt to make you proud. In my personal, professional and yes, now even political world, my one and true aspiration is to carry on your legacy of not only being successful, but with a deeper, more solid foundation of ethical righteousness guided by a moral compass based on determination, motivation and conviction. Regardless of the outcome.....I try. I try because even in your absence, your approval OF me and your level of pride IN me, always has been and always will be, my primary driving force.
Keith Anderson wrote a song titled "I Still Miss You", with the chorus of:
I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell
but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I first played this song last year on your birthday, and the words still hold true....and as time continues to go by, and as I continue to wait for that one sign....that one signal.....the message behind the song becomes stronger and more relevant with each passing day.
Happy Birthday Dad!