If you like cats, satire, and biblical allusions, this is something you must read.
|Premise: In the 1700s a man by the name of Christopher Smart went insane with a very peculiar disorder, which was that he began to worship his cat Jeoffry as if he was God. Christopher Smart wrote a series of poems as ode to his holy pet (true story). Below I have compiled my own version of The Lost Book of Jeoffry, and sought to answer the question, what would it have been like if God were a cat? If you like this, please tell me so and I will put up some more that I have written.
Genesis: Chapter 1
In the beginning, there was only the void without form, extending outwards in everlasting darkness, and Jeoffry. As the mighty Jeoffry stretched out his claws and raised his posterior, he decided to create, so to amuse himself unto eternity. Taking from his celestial basket a ball of flaming yarn, Jeoffry tossed it into the darkness and declared, Let there be light: and there was light. Thus the sun was made.
And Jeoffry saw the light, that it was warm and good to stretch out under: and Jeoffry decided to make more lights, and went to his heavenly litter box and, with a mighty push of his hind legs, scattered the jewels of his litter into the cosmos. Thus the stars were made.
And Jeoffry saw that this too was good, but though light was most excellent to nap under, the night was much better to hunt and explore, so Jeoffry divided the light and the darkness, calling the light Day, and the darkness Night.
And the evening and morning were the first day.
And Jeoffry saw that Night and Day was good, but he was still bored. He contemplated in his infinite wisdom, and began to clean himself with his mighty tongue. When his glorious fur was pristine, Jeoffry let out a awesome cough, releasing a hairball into the cosmos. Thus the Earth was made.
And Jeoffry, seeing the Earth, was pleased, yet he noticed that his saliva had covered the Earth in water, which he hated. And so Jeoffry said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of waters. And Jeoffry made the firmament, and dry land appeared, and it was so. Thus the Great Jeoffry created the Lands and the Seas.
And the evening and morning were the second day.
And Jeoffry, after such exertions on the first two days, became hungry and created life in the seas, such as tuna, so that he may dip his paws into the sea and swat at them. And Jeoffry created creatures of the sky, such as sparrows, so that he may crouch low and be invisible until leaping upon them. And Jeoffry created creatures of the land, such as mice, so that he may chase them, eat them, and regurgitate them on occasion to admire his trophies. And seeing all living creatures moveth beneath him, Jeoffry saw that all this was good.
And the evening and morning were the third day.
And Jeoffry, filled with all the creatures on which he had feasted on the second day, curled into a ball and slept mightily through the third and fourth day without waking. And Jeoffry saw this was good.
And the evening and morning were the fifth day.
And Jeoffry, waking around noon on the fifth day, had a most terrific itch upon his belly. He then decided that there must be a creature to worship and dote upon him with belly scratches. And Jeoffry decided to create Man in his own image, but then changed his mind because he was too perfect, and instead made them awkward, without fur except a small fluff atop their heads. And the merciless Jeoffry made them without any of his agility or proficiency of senses, and had them walk preposterously on two legs instead of four, and replaced their talons with long fingers perfect for scratching. And Jeoffry knew these ugly and awkward creatures with long fingers would always know and respect him as he was their superior in every way. And Jeoffry saw this was good.
And the evenings and mornings were the six day.
And Jeoffry, satiated from hours of belly scratching and too lazy to catch creatures himself, gave Man and Woman the task of being lords of the Earth, so that they may provide abundantly the tuna, sparrows, and mice to their Jeoffry.
And Jeoffry saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.
Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all fairly amusing. And on the seventh day, Jeoffry ended his work which he had made, and rested with tuna and belly scratching.
Genesis: Chapter 2
And so it came to pass that man and cats propagated the earth, but man foolishly forgot that the almighty Jeoffry was their creator. And yet the merciful Jeoffry was not too upset about this, until the humans forgot to give offerings of mice and belly scratches.
And Jeoffry saw the wickedness of man, and desired to destroy all Man. But a single man found grace with Jeoffry by giving him a saucer of warm milk. To this man, Jeoffry declared, Make thee an ark of scratching posts; to which the man suggested a more practicable material, and the judicious and merciful Jeoffry consented.
And Jeoffry told the man to take two of mice, sparrows, and any other animals he wanted, except for the dinosaurs, since Jeoffry found they did not taste good. And Jeoffry warned the man that a flood would come to wipe out the corrupt sons and daughters of man.
And at the appointed time, Jeoffry ascended into the heavens, and, lifting his righteous left hind leg, smote the earth with forty days and forty nights of foul rain.
And now, once more the earth was covered with water, and Jeoffry lamented what he had done, for he very much hated water. And therefore Jeoffry declared that he would never again flood the earth.