by Joe M
my diary of love notes and experience
|It is autumn in New England, the leave have piled up in the paths I walk through the woods. The sky is a bright blue, the air is fresh and cool. The smell of fall leaves penetrates the air as I kick through the piles. Our dog porpoises through the leaves as she darts back and forth along the path. I can feel my heart beat in my hand as I hold her hand. I lean over as we walk and brush her neck with my nose. She smells warm and organic like sexual hormones of a flower. Her hair feels like cashmere and brushes my face as I pull away.
I am in my imagination's happy place.
Its been a very long time since I've written. I've been away on a journey that I thought would begin by life. I am in love, very in love but sad. I expected to be extremely happy yet I am sad and lost.
I started my journey with who I thought was the "right one". She is perfect and many ways, yet those defects make her special and beautiful. In perpendicular sunlight I can see the soft peach fuzz on her chin, her makeup often is put on by a tom boy and her dress sometimes ill fitting. I laugh and smile, so perfect.
She claims to be tough and independent, yet she is fragile, easy to upset and bruise. She wears all her emotions on her face, her eyes frequently wet with tears. She is gentile, soft, and abrasive all in the same moment. Complex, she is a white flower facade with a broken sole. I love her for all these complexities.
I have been courting her for many years, now eight. Breakfast, lunches, dinner in fancy restaurants, meetings, business trips, my real life mistress. She will not tell me how she feels about me. Is she afraid to be hurt, what is in her past, or she doesn't see me as her lover. She too is in a long term relationship. Our frequent conversations have lead me to believe that she is not happy and hollow inside. I wish to fill her heart with my love but I am sad that I will not get the same in return.