Dear Pain, Dear Sorrow

A letter to my pain on a particulary rough night

Dear Pain, Dear Sorrow,

You run deep.  Even beneath my bones, I feel you.  Beneath my soul, I feel you.  Beneath the fibres of all that I am, and all that I know.  You run deep.  So much so that, at times, I wonder what I would be without you.  Where I would go.  Who would recognize me.  If I woud recognize my own face.  The weight of my skin.  You are comfortable to me, familiar, like an old binkie I carry despite the fact that I've outgrown it.

Who am I to be happy, to feel solid and secure?  Those feelings don't last, and when I fall who will be there to catch me?  You will, Pain, and you, Sorrow, with arms wide open. That familiar weight in my chest, beneath it all.  Always there.  I'm not going to fight you, Pain, nor you, Sorrow.  Nor do I chose to work with you in this moment.  Instead I'll sit steady in this silence, long moments passing between us.  I surrender to you.  You have not won.  I am not defeated, but long instead for your comfort as I lick my wounds tonight.

And to my Dear Charlie, goodnight, rest soundly.  Mummy loves you now more than ever.

Allis