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Rated: 18+ · Essay · Comedy · #1796863
A humorous take on the future marriage of technology and the human body.
I sometimes worry that technology is overtaking us.  I have visions of smart phone screens materializing on our forearms, laptops that really are our lap tops, and ear buds actually budding from our ears. 

I suppose it is part of the larger evolutionary trend toward humanity becoming one with technology.  That will happen far beyond my lifetime, of course, so I’m not overly concerned (although I often wonder where the vacuum cleaner attachment would be integrated), or will it?  Research and development types in the bio-tech industry claim such integrations are right around the corner, indeed that some of those innovations are being employed right now, and I’m beginning to believe it.

For instance, I’ve noticed that I’m starting to think like those automated voices I hear all the time.  The disembodied voice-mail instructions that walk you through leaving a message, the instructions that prompt you through the automated checkout line at the grocery store, and all those unresponsive, artificial voices that lead you pleasantly into blind alleys while you try to navigate a maze of billing inquiries designed to make you give up trying to find answers to your questions.

I start thinking in their pleasant, sedate cadence; my thoughts playing along in the same contrived ups and downs of their intonation.  Sometimes when I’m waiting in line at the store, I make up my own words and phrases to their tune: 

“Please roll your face along the keypad to complete transaction.” 

“Please place your head here and wait for the doors.”

When my son was younger, I even created a character I called, “Artificial Mommy.”  She used the same artificial voice patterns, and he would dissolve in giggles after pretending not to listen to her and the response was to say, “Son Unit, prepare for dis-assembly.”

So far my mind meld with apparently kindred automated spirits is just fun and games used to pass the time, but it doesn’t take much of a leap to imagine an intimate marriage between the human body and technology in the future and wonder at the directions it might take.


For instance, suppose we differentiated according to occupation?

As a writer and humorist, could my thoughts and ideas upload instantly to the word processing screen on my laptop, print at my mental command, and could I get a laugh track?  Could the Wi-Fi connection in my brain link up with the internet so I could do my research instantaneously, and would a smack upside the head improve my reception like it used to do with those old television sets?

At school, would my son’s homework assignments appear on his teacher’s LCD forehead, the cafeteria lady sport the latest in spatula and serving spoon wear, and the principal’s arm end in a paddle?

The biotechnological integration of some professions might prove embarrassing outside the workplace, but it does beg the question: what would the efficiently-dressed gynecologist wear?

On the plus side, think of the convenience it might provide.  No more searching for your keys, a tissue, or whatever item would fulfill your spontaneous need.  It would be like wearing the contents of your purse; everything arising at your fingertips as needed.  Mundane personal tasks could take care of themselves.  Who wouldn’t want to get up in the morning and have hair that styled itself?  No more minutes wasted in front of the bathroom mirror, working my hair up into a petrified forest of static electricity and hairspray. Routine personal hygiene could be maintained without effort, though I admit I would miss the core of my aerobics workout by not rolling around the room trimming my toenails myself.

Looking ahead the possibilities are not only endless but entertaining, and now that I think about it, being overtaken by the tidal wave that is modern technology might not be that bad.  Now my only worry is making sure I have a lap for my future laptop to be integrated into.  Come on toes, time to work out.

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