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Rated: 13+ · Script/Play · Comedy · #1808852
How to outwit your wife (or other) after an unfortunate night of drinking
Strategies for Drunken Louts

These economic times coincide with an increase in the sale of all types of alcoholic beverages. And I feel it is in the best interest of mankind to suggest some strategies that a man can use to mitigate marital strife caused by his occasional drunken and intemperate proclamations that he may not remember the next morning.

After a night of over indulgence, a man must be on guard for signs (some barely perceptible and others glaringly obvious) that alcohol dissolved the barrier between his better judgment and the baser elements of his psyche.

If the man notices any sign of indignation or anger in his wife’s demeanor he must proceed with caution. Never ask, ‘what’s the matter?’ because the answer will generally be, ‘nothing!’. Probing further is as productive as poking a hornet’s nest with a stick. The more cautious approach is to bring up some benign subject and let her take the lead. Once it has been established that she is sufficiently pissed, the man will then know he had said something he shouldn’t have. Again, It is best to let the wife take the lead.

As she begins the unfolding of his embarrassing indiscretions, the man should never object that he didn’t say what she is recounting, because she could probably tell him anything and he would have no way of disproving it. He should also not become angry because he will then open the flood gates of her wrath.

My strategy can take some practice to perfect. If a man begins employing this strategy and realizes he is in over his head, he must bail and begin groveling. To continue will cause suspicion, especially if poor implementation of this strategy is attempted on successive occasions. It is best that a man practice on a friend before diving into a strategy that could backfire into divorce (unless that is the goal).

The man must learn to draw out clues from his wife in an attempt to shed light on his actions of the previous night. The more quick witted man will use these clues to reweave the fabric of his misdeeds. Those less able must practice enough to develop some ‘canned’ responses for most any impropriety for which he feels he is capable.

The following dialog between a drunken lout and his wife provides a good example of a quick thinker employing my strategy.

Wife: I’m mad a you, last night you called me a bitch!

Husband: I did? Well yeah, I mean I did use that word but I think you misinterpreted what I said.

W: You said just that and I DID NOT misinterpret it!

H: And remember what you said after I said that?

(The man is successfully stalling so that he may get his thoughts in order)

W: Of course I remember!  I’ll bet you don’t know, though. You were really drunk!

H: No, actually I wasn’t. I remember but I couldn't hear you that well because of the TV.

(The lout should never admit to being drunk, that would destroy the foundation of his story line.)

W: It wasn't on.

H: Well, it was making noise.

W: I didn't hear any noise.

H: Oh yeah, It was loud enough that I kept missing words, maybe it was happening to you too and that is why you misinterpreted what I said.

W: You are so full of it!

(The following won’t work on more technically savvy women and the man must know his wife well before attempting this advanced technique)

H: No, really, I'll bet it was the jamliss.

W: The what?

H: You know the jamliss, the thing in the TV that sometimes emits a high frequency sound when the TV is turned off drowning out other sounds. I told you about it last year.  There was a report about it on 60 minutes. Maybe you can't hear such high frequencies.

W: You never said anything to me about a jamliss or whatever. (bingo! She’s starting to buy his line. He can now proceed) Anyway if I misinterpreted what you said and you weren't mad at me, why did you call me a bitch?

H: I said "son of a bitch" under my breath because of the jamliss sound, I was angry I couldn’t hear all you were saying.

W: You looked me in the eye and said "You are a bitch"!

H: Weren't you standing right over there?

W: No! I was standing right there.

(This is included to demonstrate a mistake on the man’s part and a nimble recovery)

H: That's right! I wasn't looking at you, I was looking at a tree frog on the window; I could see it right over your shoulder. I was cussing at it because of all the chirping it does, keeps me awake.

W: What tree frog? I haven't seen any tree frogs. And why would you call it a bitch? 

H: It looked like a female.

Now you see, this man successfully navigated his way through a minefield of his prior stupid actions. His wife may not fully believe his story but it should plant enough doubt in her mind to lessen the tension and allow the man to escape to the garage.
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