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Rated: E · Article · Comedy · #1822001
Confessions of an obsessive hoarder
You know you’re a hoarder when your toilet roll is used up and you find yourself itching to store away its cardboard cylinder. Just in case.

Well, you never know when I might need that little cylinder, you justify with yourself. What if I need it to make something, like a… 

Oh, I got it! I can make cool pen stands out of it! Or or… Hang things from it. Or use it to look through… Oh! Like a telescope!

Everyone likes telescopes.

Of course, I can’t throw that away. My kids might need it someday. When they’re in Primary School and learning Art and Craft. 

Of course, it would a good 12 years or so before that need might arise. But one can’t ever be too careful, right?


  *******

The party’s over. Your feet are sore. You’ve had the most awesome night dancing with your friends. The cake was perfect and the gifts are just great! But all you can think about is, So much shiny gift wrapping paper! They belong right there in that cupboard with the old chocolate boxes and birthday envelopes! WAIT! I’LL unwrap the gifts!!

*******

It smells like vanilla mixed with honey. It leaves your hair shiny and smooth. It’s every girls’ dream. It’s the perfect shampoo!

And it’s so expensive.

Of course it would be such a waste to actually use it. You have to save it for an occasion.

The Day has arrived. The occassion you’ve been waiting for! It’s time to bring out that shampoo! But… hang on. Oh. It expired two years back.
*******

OH MY GOD. What is that?

Red pants.

MY old red pants. Of my fashionless days.

Surely you don’t need that. Do some good work. Give it to the housemaid to give to her children.

Well, yes, I suppose I could, but…


BUT??

What if I need it… someday?

Why would you ever need RED pants??

Really now, I can’t predict what course my life will take in the next few years. What if I act in a play one day and my role expressly requires me to wear red pants?

Have you ever acted before? Have you seen yourself in front of a crowd??

Well, of course not now, silly. Just someday, I may just require those red pants and imagine if I have to purchase entirely new ones. Wouldn’t that be so entirely unnecessary? Where are you taking those away? Give those back to me. Give them back, I say! I NEED those red pants!!

*******

You start to forget what the little things in life are like. Like sunscreen. You have so many bottles of sunscreen. It’s just that they all decide to expire before you ever have a chance to use them.

Life is unfair.

Whoever thought of expiry dates?! What happened to the sanctity of The Occasion???

*******
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