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Rated: 18+ · Script/Play · Animal · #1824481
when a bird's bird goes missing,
Pussy with a side of nuts

Audience is placed around the characters A and B. There is a water cooler on one side of the stage and a platter of fruit and nuts on a coffee table on the other side of the stage. Two large round mirrors hang from chains from the ceiling. Throughout the discourse, both actors stoop slightly and turn their heads rapidly from side to side. Occasionally they turn their backs to the audience but their faces may be reflected in the mirrors.

A: I told you this would happen.

B: When? Exactly when did you say this would happen?

B places a bird cage between the two.

A: Well, when we bought the bloody thing, or when we
had to buy a cage for it, then buy it food.

Stuffs his mouth with a handful of nuts.

I don't know why there is six brands of fucking seed.

Throws the leftover nuts in his hand in the air.

B: That’s not the issue here. What were you thinking?

A: Well the RSPCA says you must keep a window open for animals in a car.

B: No not that…about this type of birdcage, a Renaissance-esque style in today’s post
modernist World! Honestly! Of course… the window, but they don't mean all the way down,
just a gap.
[pause]
B: So you left it open all the way. I understand that now. But what possessed you not to shut
the cage properly?

A: It was closed when I left...

They look at each other. They pour paper cups of water and drink them.

B: Left what? Left where? What now?

A: You told me to pick up the tickets…from the travel agent. I couldn’t very well cart the thing
the length of the shopping centre.

B: But why didn’t you drop it in at “Nicole’s” first? Don’t tell me, it didn’t suit her. When she
says jump, you say “how high”. When she says eat, you eat. When she says, come hither,
you fly over there. Ha, ‘Polly want a cracker’ - you pussy whipped cunt!

A: You keep talking like that and I’ll knock you off your high perch!

B: Stop your squawking. C’mon that’s why you agreed to come with me in the first place -
scrimped and saved all year to chase some European skirt before you settle down.

A: I suppose Nicole won’t have the responsibility now it’s escaped.

B: Must have been the thought of spending 6 months with Nicole!

A: She wasn’t exactly keen on the idea either. Just doing me a favour.

B: You mean she knew you’d check on it occasionally - so she’d be able to keep tabs on you.

A: Look I gotta go. I said I’d be round tonight to say goodbye. A Exits

B: Go on, give her a peck and tell her how much you’ll miss her…but we both know it won’t
last. I’ll tidy up here for the new tenant. The taxi comes at 8am sharp… shouts after

B exits. The bird cage is centre stage – door open.
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