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Rated: E · Other · Comedy · #1830460
Psst! Hey, wanna buy a possible future? Guaranteed 80% likely to occur!
Absolutely just for fun.


Hi, good ta meetcha.  I'm Jack.  Yeah, it's been a great convention so far.  Cab?  No, I'm waiting for a ride from a buddy, just standing here out of the rain waiting.  Cab stand's over there, empty right now, you might as well wait here. 

What line am I in?  I deal in possibilities. 

No, I'm serious.  You have to realize that the more possibilities you have, the richer your life is.  Once you start removing possibilities, you start locking doors and slamming shutters and chopping off great chunks of your life and yourself.  When you run out of possibilities, you die.

Look.  When you buy a lottery ticket, you have at least the possibility of winning.  Sure, it's one chance in fourteen million, or whatever, but the possibility is there.  It's real.  The possibility of your becoming incredibly wealthy, or at least of winning a nice chunk of cash, is there.  The chance is slim, but it's there.  It's possible.  That part of your life is open.  It's a potential future. 

If you never buy that ticket, or if you do something with that ticket – give it to a friend, lose it in the trash, tear it up, mislay it—in those cases, that future no longer exists.  It's gone.  It's no longer a possibility.

Buy ten tickets, though, and you don't have ten possibilities.  You've increased your chances to ten in 14 million, but it's still only one possible future – you win—against another possible future—you don't win.  Lose one ticket, and you've lost one chance – but the possibility is still there.


I deal in possibilities.  I'm a consultant, and for a reasonable fee I provide high-quality possibilities with strong futures.  I'm not a magician and I can't guarantee that any given possibility will come true but I do have a 72% success rate overall, which ain't too shabby.

Of course it's legit.  Do I look like a con artist?  Okay, look, I'll give you a freebie.  No charge.

See that woman over there?  Gorgeous, shapely.  Wanna go to bed with her?  I can't give you that.  But I can give you the possibility.  Walk over to her, say something like, “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I'd like to spend some time with you.  Can we have coffee?”

Okay, smartass, go over and say whatever you want.  Go.  Go.  Go. 

Coward.  If you had walked over and said something to her, however stupid and clumsy it was, you would have opened up a possibility that something would happen.  For that brief instant, you would have had a possible future with that woman.  You stay here, that future can't ever exist.

Yeah, sure, the future could have been she'd smack you or knee you in the nuts or call the cops. You gotta maximize your possibilities.  That's what I sell, maximized possibilities with high success potential. You can't control a lottery much but you can control what you say to a good-looking dame.  The best possibilities are where you say something just a bit outrageous that makes her eyes widen, or something funny that makes her laugh.

Now, look up the street.  You see that cab?  It's gonna pull into the line and give you a second shot.  That woman is gonna go for the cab. For twenty bucks I'll sell you a top-notch possibility that has an 80% success potential if you do exactly what I say.  This is a real deep discount on my regular rates.  For twenty, what ya got to lose?  You in?  Good man!  Laugh if you like, but you'll never regret this. 

Now you time it just right and just as she opens one door of the cab you open the opposite door.  You look at her across the back seat and you say, “If you're not going my way, I'll go yours.”  Nothing more, nothing less.  If she smiles or laughs, get in with her.  If she frowns, look her in the eye, smile mysteriously, and say, “For the rest of your life, you'll wonder what would have happened if you had gone with me.” Then you...

Oops, here's my ride, gotta go!

Hey, Fred, howzit hanging?  Whoo-hoo, the drinks are on me! I just conned a twenty out of that sucker over there, the one getting into the cab with.... Well, I'll be damned!
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