Girl in the the pursue of something bigger than life, a journey of finding her true self.
I have got tired chasing freedom, something I have experienced yet never truly did; something that felt so complicated, outrageous, alive and just so powerful to even hold but still I have always tried to imagine it. How does it smell or taste; does it taste sweet like super fudge chocolate ice cream, or salty like soy sauce fried noodles with little spices mixed here and there. Call me crazy, weirdo but this is freedom to me, something we enjoy experiencing yet we somehow know nothing about, not even close. This is how my daily conflict starts, my story to tell.
"Naz I just hate this, one year and four month, one year and fourth fucking month of my life have been wasted." I screamed through the phone to my best friend, who is always there to listen to my too many problems.
"I haven't done anything, I started learning Mandarin Chinese then stopped, then started again and like always I just stopped because life has become too much to bare." And just kept talking and talking.
"Well Suad, I really do understand you, but I guess this is how we're supposed to live on." Naz replied back and hitting a nerve.
"NO!!! We're not supposed to just sit and do nothing, I didn't go to high school, get headaches and get tortured by that stupid Physics teacher to just sit home and wait something miraculous to happen." Totally screaming now, "This is not me and not you Naz, I've always considered my family before me, even though I look tough, mean and emotionless I still feel and it hurts because I'm afraid that maybe what people say about me not going to college outside and having a higher education is true. If that's true then I won't be able to keep up holding myself any longer, because I won't be able to stand up again."
"Don't you worry, everything will get better. We gotta wait and see." I could hear Naz's troubled sigh but yet could feel the promising meaning hidden within the words.
"Yeah we've already, well almost waited for two years; we can wait to more couple years. Ok, let's change this gloomy subject because I'm just feeling blue. What do you have this week, we can go outside like usual. Shopping, meeting the girls or have a party?" I asked with my now happy, energetic voice. It's just strange in moment I can be angry, desperate, you could even see black cloud forming above my head. And in just little moments I get totally the opposite, funny, crazy and just full of joy and life, maybe hormones are causing this or just watching too much drama series; Shit!! Got reduce some hours in watching Korean series and do something different, like watching supernatural, Yay!!! Will do that.
"K!! Sure why not, meet at Aziz mall on Thursday then." Naz replied back happily, decreasing the tension and mixed mood a little bit.
"K! Will call some of the girls, who will you call?" I asked heading to the kitchen and grapping some cashews.
So we talked like this for an hour and I kind of felt relieved but still I didn't; it's funny for me to say this, after the shopping talking and all but I guess maybe I'm never meant to be something more, something better. I'm saying this for real guys, maybe I'm just meant to be normal, regular person like everybody else.
Earlier this day
"Suad get up, it's already 12 p.m. how the hell do you sleep that long." Aunt asked, while working on pulling my blanket away.
"Just leave me alone!!" sleepily I answered back holding my blanket dearly and rolling around it so she couldn't pull it away.
"You were always a morning person, what changed now?" still trying to pull it away.
I sat on my bed, looked straight to my aunt's eyes and started counting, "Let's see, I've finished high school, then well finished my high school and ah…. YES!! Finished my HIGHSCHOOL!!!" I shouted at her and went back to sleeping.
"Then do something about it." Still standing there, still trying to pull my blankets away and still irritating me like always.
"I'm doing something, it's called shopping." I replied back and now starting a real battle in who would have the hold of my green, cozy and warm blanket.
"You know I can do this all day long." She informed challenging me.
"Bring it on auntie!!" I challenged back giving her, the "I'm watching you look" and you won't win motto.
An hour passed,
Talking to your readers, don't give me that look, yeah I'm eating my cereals and watching detective Conan. My aunt is a monster and I'm just a little lamb that can't hold her tongue inside, Ok I'm aware of that. And why won't this milk finish already, Argh!!! Life won't get any worse.
"Won't you ask where your mom is?" Aunt (she is the hidden monster under that goody look she got) came to the dining room and asked me covering the view of the TV, holding a spoon and jam. Believe me anything that she holds is a very dangerous weapon no matter what it is.
"Someone must have died, getting married or well died again." I replied back trying my best to make her move away and finish my breakfast, I don't like throw food because some people out there don't even have something to drink. I'm a very considering person.
"Yap, she went to a funeral. I guess this is how people's life just keeps on going. In the same day some die, some get married and some get born. This is the cycle of life." She stood there thinking about whatever it is and simply like that; stealing one of my many proverbs of life, "This is the cycle of life" it's mine, well unless someone else created it or something, what's written on science books don't count.
"So are you going to stand there like forever or what? M.O.V.E!!! Conan will find out who is the killer now." Moving my head, trying to see what's going on.
"I'll move it's just so interesting and well funny to get you irritated like that." She replied back with a big smile on her face, to me at the moment she was no other then the female version of The Joker.
"When you die; I'm going to throw a party and invite everyone, even the haters." I stated back trying to remain calm as she started to laugh.
"I know you gonna do it, that's why I'm enjoying this before I die and wither away." She laughed back heading to the kitchen to make a lunch for dad.
And there it was; Conan already said who the killer is and was getting hit by Togo Mori (Kogoro Mouri in Japanese anime) hard on the head. Don't you hate it when someone wakes you up unwillingly, make you eat breakfast unwillingly, and then let you miss your favorite anime unwillingly too and be there to mock you. World is just so not fair place to live at.
And here is dad, after half an hour trying to finish my breakfast, well I'm slow eater. Anyway he came home and like always he is having his lunch and changing the channels to watch the 2 o'clock news. But not today because they are broadcasting the previous episode of The Opposite Direction in Al Jazzira TV. One of my favorite shows ever!!! You see my dream is to study medicine and be neurosurgeon. Also to study Neuroscience, Chemistry, Biology, Philosophy and the list goes on but when I watch the Opposite Direction, I just say what the hell, why not study political science, I mean for real I'm gonna ace on that major because I'm simply a talkative, confident, strong and just arrogant young lady. Anyways everything went like the usual, me and dad watching TV, my brother is somewhere outside and my aunt is getting ready for work.
An hour passed so fast, dad entered his room to get some rest, while my aunt headed to work. No one is left awake and free but me. YES!! I got four rooms empty just for me to wonder, have a walk or maybe a jog at. I can see your weird look of "what the hell is she talking about". Let me tell you, I live in K.S.A, Jeddah and here you can't just go out alone and roam your neighbor because, well it's just because, because, because….. It's kind of something you don't do alone!! And don't give me that look!! Yes I'm a coward I don't go out alone, so what I bet a lot of people out there are like me. Right, right???
Ok let's change the subject, because it feels so hot and boiling mood is increasing fast in here. So I got nothing to do but to surf the net, play The Sims on Facebook, chat with some friend and I get to meet with a new buddy whoring each single week, isn't that GREAT!!! But you see these little things. No matter what they are, that people do unknowingly, like reviewing my poems, song lyrics at DA and my stories at Fanfiction. These little things actually make my day; they encourage and inspire me to keep on moving and struggling because life would definitely be dull if it got easy.
So pretty much this has been my daily task since the day I graduated, one year and four month ago. This how the battle of future starts, the story of the smart ass, the optimistic, the happy, the strong, the courageous, the honest, the loyal girl; me and every other girl around the globe in search for a better life, better person as an individual, the battle on reaching the noblest goal of all, the battle of pursuing the most difficult decision of every girls life. This battle is all about chasing her, the girl within all of us to find the satisfaction of being her own self.