A glimpse into the moment when control is handed over to another.
| We had been friends for years he and I, but things had recently taken a new direction and something deeper had developed. Something that neither of us had been looking for or even considering as a possibility. One evening though I came to him and just knew that something was different. He'd watched me travel a path of discovery and been there to comfort me when things had not gone well. He'd been there to cheer me on and to encourage me to try again as well. No matter what had happened on that path, he was there while I found out what my own heart wanted and needed. I had not realized until this moment that what I wanted, what I needed.....had been right there in front of me all along. As I stood on his front lawn this night though, I knew what I wanted. What I didn't know, was if he shared my desire.
Shaking, uncertain of how to go about my next step, I stood listening to him talk. Finally he raised a brow and asked me what was wrong. I'd never been afraid of him before, and even now it was not truly him I was afraid of but the uncertainty of where we were going to head next. Would he accept what I was about to propose or would he reject it? If he rejected my idea, would he next turn me away and reject me as well? All of this swam through my head as tears fell down my cheek. I could hear the concern in his voice and see it written quite clearly in his eyes as he stared at me. Unable to look directly at his gaze any longer I let my eyes drift and focused on the grass at my feet. He stepped towards me and took my chin in his hand. His touch was gentle but compelling as he brought my focus back up to his face. Again he asked me what was wrong, the concern growing even more as the moments passed.
Standing there staring up into the eye of my fate I relented. "You've watched me search for myself and followed me through the joys and pains that went with it. You know that my heart is that of a servant. That I long to have someone I can cede control to and trust enough with that control not to abuse the gift of it." He nodded and waited for me to continue. " I don't know why I need this, but I am through apologizing for it. To myself, to my family, and to those around me as well. I thrive on the idea of being able to submit and hand over control to someone who is not only going to see my submission for the gift that it truly is, but is strong enough not to abuse that responsibility as well." By this time my cheeks were soaked with tears and my voice was cracking as the emotions I'd been trying to hold in came flooding over me in a torrent. I reached and covered one of his hands with my own and took a deep breath. It was too late to turn back now so, whatever the outcome might be, I was going to finish my thoughts and see where they took both of us.
Closing my eyes and taking another deep breath I tried to stop my body from shaking. His touch was so gentle that in some ways it made things worse for me, 'cause I knew how much I had to lose if he rejected what I was about to say. Opening my eyes I looked deep into his and said, "I want you to be that man. You've been my friend through no matter what's come up, and I trust you a great deal. I didn't set out to take things between us in this direction, but you've always told me to be honest with you and so that's what I'm doing. I know that you will not intentionally hurt me, nor will you expect me to be some cookie cutter puppet with no mind of her own." His eyes softened and he began to smile. I watched as he took a deep breath and then he nodded. "You're right, I would never intentionally hurt you, nor would I expect you to stop being the adorable little brat that you've always been. Having said that though, let me also say this. If you do this, if you submit to me, things will not be easy. This will take us both down a road we never went looking for, and one we have never traveled. We will have to learn as we go along, which could mean some rocky patches along the way. Are you prepared for this?"
I had to think for a moment and search my own heart. I would not lie to him so I took the time to honestly search for the answer within myself before I answered his question. Loud and clear the answer poured over me and I smiled, nodding. "I know it's not going to be easy, but I know that I trust you. I know it's not going to be all roses and sunshine either, but I love you. I've tried this path with others and yet something kept drawing me back here. Back to your comfort, your friendship, and your gentle smile. Something also kept me comparing them to you, and though I know that wasn't fair, it is what it is. So to answer your question, yes I am ready for this. I'm scared to death since this is something I've never completely taken to this level before, but I'm ready. If I'm totally honest with you and myself as well, only a part of me was given in the past. I still held something in reserve from the beginning, as though I knew it wouldn't work out. I trust you enough that you already have more now than I tried to give them even when I wanted to accept their control."
Evidently he was satisfied with my answer because he looked at me, shook his head, and laughed. Again he nodded and a gentle purr followed that nod. "Then I accept your gift. You will be at my side until I decide otherwise. You will come to me with complete honesty, and in return you shall receive honesty as well. I cannot promise you will never be hurt, but I can promise I will never do so intentionally." I was so relieved that I could hardly stand. Not much longer I surrendered and stopped fighting my weakened legs and fell to my knees at his feet. For the first time since this desire had rushed over me like a tornado I felt peace again. He hadn't rejected my idea and he hadn't rejected me either! I was so happy I wanted to scream, to shout, to jump for joy, all at once.
I won't lie to you and tell you that it was absolutely without any complications from that moment on. Nor will I say that everything was just as I'd imagined it. As I think back on that day though, nearly a year ago, I am still filled the same sense of peace and joy that I felt that first time I knelt at my Master's feet and surrendered myself to his care. Some say that submitting is a weakness or done out of some sense of guilt. I have never felt weak in my submission, nor have I felt guilty. I am my Master's and quite proud to be. As I said earlier, things are not always sunshine and roses, we have our moments of disagreement. However, the respect and honesty still holds true today just as it did on May 17, 2011 when I finally found the courage to be completely honest with not only myself, but a very dear, very wonderful friend as well.