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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1865847
by Archie
Rated: E · Essay · Comedy · #1865847
This is a second (improved?) version of a previous piece about loafing.
Don’t let this grey hair and beard fool you. I don’t know as much as I’d like you to think I know. Older folk are like vehicles. I started out you adulthood as a Maserati, full of vim and vroom. I ended up a golf cart. And I’m not a golfer – too much work. My parents have always been older than me. Always resented that.

Senior citizens, aka older folk, have it good – discounts – no more criticism – free fart opportunities. I fart and I get knowing nods and smiles from others as they move away and leave me alone. I deserve the solitude. There are books -- “Getting Old for Dummies”; “The Elder Bible.” A quote from The Elder Bible: “Seek Peace and Pursue it.” A quote from Getting Old for Dummies: “Sit down, shut up, and be still.”

As a senior citizen it is my turn to rest, to seek peace – to loaf.

Do any of you know how to loaf? When I loaf, my cats sit around me taking notes on their paw-pilots – I have been honored with a number of 21-meow salutes and when I go out into the neighborhood, cats point at me and meow in awe. “That’s him – he’s the one – he’s part cat!” Loafing is also a solvent – able to dissolve employment and relationships. Loafing makes me into a god – every day is my Seventh Day. It takes aged experience to loaf well – hit 60 and you are the expert. Hit 80 and you are the master. Hit 90 and the slab may be cold.

Loafing takes no effort. Don’t fall asleep – you’ll ruin the loafing – toss, turn, mumble, stretch. Our motto? “If at first you don’t succeed, stop, relax, forget about it.” Look at history – great men and women – the statesmen, the philanthropists, the builders, the movers, the shakers, the leaders – not a decent loafer amongst them. Sad.

Anybody here have children? I’m allergic. Don’t want ‘em. I was a kid once -- I don’t want to put up with the likes of that kid. Kids are solvents – they dissolve relationships – they dissolve bank accounts – they dissolve freedom of movement – and they are always whining – gimme! Gimmee! Gimmee! Gimmee! Gimmee! Gimmee! Gimmee! Geeze! I don’t need that. How have you kid herders out there survived?

Children are like boomerangs: High School Grad – Job – laid off – back home; College Grad – Job – laid off – back home; Master’s Degree – Job laid off – back home; Ph.D. – write, teach, post-grad studies – back home. You go into a nursing home; they’re back home, your home, divvying up your stuff.

Well, thanks for listening and may your children be always productive and mostly absent –

© Copyright 2012 Archie (archiew at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1865847