A whimsical story about a were-unicorn named Mark and his adventures.
|The worst story that me and my brother could possibly come up with. Part 1
Once upon a time in a world where they still had magical creatures like vampires and were-wolves and pixies and fairies and goblins, and witches, and the fey and unicorns, and griffons, and children, oh wait we still have those. Also in this world they had superheroes and supervillans, and dinosaurs, sweeeeet. Oh, oh and we also have Scooby doo, George bush, Ronald McDonald, the Quaker oatmeal guy, and Barney. And Dora the explora. And Dumbledore. And the whole of bikini bottom. Our story starts with a young were-unicorn named mark.
Mark woke up to the sound of glass breaking down in his big brothers bar. He grabbed his batman bedroom slippers and a really heavy Harry Potter book and creepd down the stairs. Mark glanced at the clock on the mantle piece in the living room and saw that it was about 5 in the morning that meant that the bar was already closed for the night. He slowly opened the door to the bar just in time to see a suspicious looking person shank his brother with a silver pen. Mark screamed like a girl and threw his copy of the half blood prince right at the evil dude.
The suspicious looking evil dude turned out to be a vampire, and did this creepy hiss thing with his teeth. Mark screamed again and threw his batman bedroom slipper at the evil vampire dude. Marks next door neighbor, Barney the dinosaur came, running as fast as his fat purple legs could carry him into the bar. "Barney help me! Call the police!" screamed mark. And Barney ran in front of the vampire and said "I think someone needs a hug!" the vampire hissed again and tried to rip Barney's throat out, but of course Barneys made of foam so that didn't work out to well. The vampire started gagging then whipped out a gun and pointed it at Barneys head. When the vampire whipped out his gun he accidentally broke his cell phone clip and his cell phone fell off his pants and skidded across the floor to right in front of mark. Mark opened it then yelled "cool an iphone! Oh wait I need a password, hey mister evil vampire dude what's the password?" the vampire dude glanced down at where his phone should have been then at mark "its not cats!" the vampire dude hissed.
Mark tried cats and it worked what an idiot mark thot as he dialed 911. Barney tried to give the vampire dude a hug, but his creepy cheerfulness made the vampire dudes skin smoke and burn. The vampire dude fired a shot on Barney, and Barney fell over. Barney started wiggling cause he was like a turtle and he couldn't sit up after getting knocked on his back. The vampire dude emptied his clip into Barneys head until Barney stopped moving. That was about the time that the cops showed up and busted through the front door of the bar. "Put your hands up!" yelled a muscular looking griffon. The evil vampire yelled "you'll never take me alive coppers!" Another officer shot him in the leg. The griffon looked at him angrily, the cop who fired his weapon said "well he resisted arrest and it looks like he had a hostage" the cop pointed at mark. Mark jumped up and ran over to the cops," you havta get an ambulance, that vamp dude shanked my brother with something silver." The griffon blinked. Mark screamed at him "we are weres, weres are allergic to silver he's gonna die!" the cop who had fired, talked into his walkie and some paramedics came rushing in. about 5 minutes later one of them yelled "he's dead!" mark burst into tears and ran to his brothers side. The griffon came up behind him and said "I'm sorry for your loss, is there anyone I can call for you?" mark shook his head. "Well, you're just going to have to come down town with me; I'm Officer Charlie by the way." The griffon said. Mark nodded and stood up as the paramedics took his brother away. The guy who shot the vampire dude came over an said "come on buddy you're ridin with me, I'm officer Furgo, but you can just call me Paul." Mark just stared at him, (like I'm grieving what does your name havta do with anything). Paul made mark sit in the back of his squad car claiming that being antisocial was a crime.
The cops at the station all thot that the vampire had been trying to rob the bar but they questioned him anyway and the vampire screamed "I can't tell you anything, he'll kill me!" over and over for all their questions, even when the sent in their best detective, Scooby doo. Mark just sat in waiting area (yes they have one cause we are all waiting to go to prison) and quietly answered one of the cops questions. Officer Charlie came over and said "it appears that you have no living relatives or family friends that will take you, and seeing as how you're still a minor, a social worker from the city will be here in a few hours to take you to a nearby orphanage" and then he went back to his desk and pretended to look busy. Mark just stared off into space, still in shock over what had happened. Sure, he thought, my brother was probably the worst guardian a 12 year old could possibly have, but he was my brother, what did he ever do to deserve this? Mark had to wait for 5 hours before that good for nothing social worker finally came. "Ronald McDonald at your service" the guy said, "well lets go get your stuff then we're off to the orphanage" Ronald turned and skipped out the police office with mark following, glaring daggers at his blood red fro.
After picking up his stuff mark thot, I hate clowns. When Ronald finally found the orphanage, He crashed his shoe shaped car into a light pole. "opps" was his only response. The owner of the orphanage came floating out and said "I am the box ghost, beware!" Mark screeched and hid behind Ronald. Ronald smiled his gay smile and said "don't be afraid, the dead cant hurt you" the box ghost led mark into the orphanage and Ronald said "have a happy day, I'm off!" the box ghost led mark into the main room, which mark noticed looked like something from a haunted house. Several kids came walking in. "Tommy, I leave our new arrival in your care, beware!" a tall blonde pixie came forward and shook marks hand, "welcome, I'm Tommy, what's your name?" Mark stared at him for minute, "I'm Mark" a small girl with black hair and red eyes came forward and smiled her fangs at him," I'm Angela" a vampire, mark thot, she doesn't seem so bad. A red headed girl with green eyes came next, "I'm Mac Kayla, and I'm a fairy, what are you, what happened to get you locked up here?" mark lifted his shirt so that she could see his were-mark on his back, which was a crescent moon as is with all weres. "Hey, Monica, it's another were!" Mac Kayla said looking at a dark skinned girl. Monica came forward and sniffed at mark in a very canine way, she's probably a wolf or a dog, mark thot. Monica looked up at him with yellow eyes, (definitely a wolf) "horse?" she guessed. "No, unicorn" mark replied. "Have you changed yet?" Monica asked. "No" mark replied shortly. Monica smiled "me neither" a set of twin boys came forward both of them had brown hair and purple eyes. "I'm Billy" said the one on right. "And I'm Willy" said the one on the left. "We're both named William though, we had cruel parents" said Billy. Willy shook Marks hand. Mark felt a spark shock his hand, "wizards?" he guessed. They both nodded. The last child in the room was a short girl who screamed, "I'm Dora the explora and this is my monkey boots" the blue monkey jumped up and down shrieking.
Tommy came forward and said "let me show you to your room, and your roommate who thinks he's too good for us" tom left him at the door and strolled off. Mark opened the door, dragging his suitcases behind him. He saw a green haired boy laying on the bed to the left. "Hi, I'm mark" mark said. The boy glanced at him "Tattoo" was all the boy said, so mark assumed it was his name. "Well hey tattoo, guess we're room mates now huh?" the boy finally focused on him, "no, I meant what's with your tattoo" "you mean my were-mark" mark asked. The boy sat up "no I mean that tattoo on your arm" mark looked down and didn't see anything. "Um there's no tattoo, there, what do you mean?" the boy grabbed his arm and pointed "right there" and traced an invisible line. "I don't see anything" mark said. The boy glared at him "stop playing with me, its right there" mark squinted at his arm and still didn't see anything. The boy stood up and dragged him out into the hall. "Tom!" he yelled. Tommy came out of a room down the hall. 'what is it Toby?" (Well, I finally know his name) Toby grabbed marks arm and showed it to Tommy. "What am I supposed to be looking at?" Toby looked at him in the eye "he has a tattoo right here, don't you see it?" Tommy shook his head. "There's nothing there" "it must be invisible" Toby said. "What does it look like?" Tommy asked with a frown. "It's this weird symbol" Toby said, "its kind of hard to describe" Tommy reached in his back pocket and pulled out an ink pen. "Trace it" Toby started tracing while mark tried not to squirm. Tommy looked at it for a second, then pulled out his phone and snapped a picture. "We'll google it" Tommy and Toby ran off leaving mark standing the hall.
A few minutes later Mac Kayla came running down the hall laughing, "Hide! They're gonna find us!" and she dragged him into one of the rooms and pushed him in the closet, then crawled under the bed. A few seconds later one of the twins came in and jumped in the closet with mark. About a minute later the other twin came in. "I know you're in here, I can sense you Billy" Monica came in behind him "the rest of them are in here to, I can especially smell you unicorn." Mark stepped out of the closet "what's going on?" "We're playing hide and seek" Monica said. "Never heard of it" everyone stared at him "what did you do for fun when you were little?" Mac Kayla asked. "Well I can mix an awesome margarita" mark stated. "Where did you grow up?" Monica asked. "My big brothers bar why?" mark asked. "Isn't that illegal?" asked Willy. "Well he didn't pay me so it's not like we broke an child labor laws" mark shrugged "ok" said Billy "lets go play video games" and they played video games until the box ghost started throwing things at them. The next day Dora's stupid monkey boots went missing. "We need to find him, let's check the map, say map!" later that day they found boots' dead body under Monica's bed. She said that it had been messin wit her junk. Then Dora started shriveling up and melt and screaming "I'm melting, I'm melting! Oh what a world!" then everyone did a celebratory dance. (Yay Dora died! Sweeeeeet!)
The next day they had to go to school. Mark and Mac Kayla had all the same classes. Marks home room teacher was professor Dumbledore. Mark was a little afraid of him. And his math teacher was Mrs. Puff, she kept yelling at this yellow square shaped dude at the front of the class and didn't really teach them anything. His science teacher was snoop dog. Mark learned how to rhyme in that class and how to roll weed, but not much else. His English teacher was the crimson-chin. Mark learns about justice and to fear deformed chins. His history teacher was luigi. Mark wondered weather or not luigi was gender confused. His gym teacher was a snake that kinda just sat there and hissed at people. His art teacher was squidward. He was kinda scared of this teacher too. By the end of the day mark wanted to run away. On the way home someone tried to mug him and Mac Kayla. Mac Kayla flew away leaving mark by himself. The mugger tried to stab mark. Mark turned and ran, his equine lungs let him run much farther than the mugger could go.
Mark got home just after dark. The box ghost was very mad and threw boxes at him. Mark went to bed without saying anything to Toby or eating dinner or a shower (ewwww, nasty) Mac Kayla got in marks face the next morning for no apparent reason. Mark glared at her and said "you left me to fend for myself against a mugger" she said "I was going for help, and when we got there, you were gone, we didn't even find a body, so we searched for like four hours and never found you so we came home and the box ghost threw things at us" mark leaned back in his chair " I don't see how that's my problem" Monica shouted from the other end of the table " we thot you was dead or something, nobody knew you were home" "the box ghost did" "he doesn't count as a person" "Toby knew I was here" "we think of the box ghost as more of a pet, bu- wait Toby was home? Man you should have called us why didn't you call us?" Toby stared at his cereal with a dead to the world look. (I don't think he's a morning person) they went to school again, this time mark ignored the teachers, the only one who noticed was squidward and that's cause he wanted mark to paint instead of play his psp.
When mark came home he noticed Willy drawing runes on the living room floor. "What are you doing?" The 8 year old glanced up at him "trying to raise an undead zombie army" "ok good luck with that, where's your brother? I need help with my laptop" Willy turned and stared at mark. "How can you tell us apart?" he asked in awe. Mark gave him a sarcastic look "because I figure that Billy doesn't know what a rune is much less how to draw one and I don't think you know how to turn a computer on." (Yes Willy uses old magic and Billy uses future magic) Willy appeared to think about that for a moment "how do you turn on a computer?" (See what I mean) "Where's your brother?" "Oh, the basement/secret layer, but I didn't tell you" mark went down to the basement. Billy was in this freaky lab coat and appeared to be building a robot. "Hey can you fix this?" mark asked. Billy jumped and spun around. "Who told you where my lab was?" "The box ghost" mark lied. "Oh, what can I do for you?" mark waved his laptop. "I broke it" Billy put his hand on the laptop and closed his eyes. His hand lit up a cool green color. "It was just a virus, but its gone now, don't go on adultswim.com ok?" mark grinned and said "thanks" "don't mention it" "why? Is it supposed to be a secret that you're good with computers?" Billy gave mark an, are you an idiot look, and turned back to his robot. Mark ran back up stairs and bumped into Toby.
Marks computer fell toward the stairs, but stopped suddenly as a miny tornado appeared under it. "Cool, did you do that?" mark said. Toby gave him a duh look and said "naw, it was you, heres your sign" Toby turned and went into the kitchen. Mark shrugged and went to the parlor so he could torment the box ghost, but Mac Kayla was already doing that. When she finally noticed mark she grinned and said "wanna play?" "Um ok" they threw things at the box ghost until this weird white hared kid came in and sucked him into a thermos, then took off. Mac Kayla huffed and stormed out of the room (stupid Danny phantom ruining all our fun) mark heard a scream in the living room so he grabbed a vase and headed in there. He saw Willy on the floor crawling backward screaming "it's that guy from the oxyclean commercials run away!" mark looked at the rotting corpse dragging itself across the floor toward Willy. Mark threw his vase at it, it had no effect. "Where's the box ghost?!" Willy screamed. "Some freak got him!" mark shouted. Monica came in and gasped "you finally did it Billy I'm so proud" "I'm Willy! It's gonna kill us!" Billy came in and cursed under his breath then talked into his watch, 2 second later that robot busted up thru the floor and started shooting lasers at the corpse until nothing was left. (aww I was hungry, those bastards couldn't save me none?)
Tommy finally came home from his job (he works at wendys, how exciting) Tommy freaked and made them fix the floor. That night mark had a nightmare about being chased by Hitler's zombie Nazis. When mark woke up gasping for breathe, he heard something moving downstairs. So he grabbed Toby's book bag and snuck down stairs. He saw a shadow woosh by so he threw the book bag and heard someone grunt. Mark turned the light on and saw that it was a stranger. So he shrieked like a girl and ran to the twin's room, which was on the bottom floor. Willy made a ring of fire around the shadow dude. Everyone came downstairs. The shadowy dude was a wizard. He had a menacing looking knife and he snarled "just kill me! They will destroy me for not killing the boy" at Willy. "Who?" Willy asked. "That one" he pointed at mark. "Why?" mark asked. "You are marked" the wizard said quietly then he slit his own throat. Everyone but Tommy and Angela screamed. (Angela looked hungry)
This is the end of part 1; we hope you have enjoyed this so far. We realize that most of you gave up after the first page. We won't hold that against you after all this is the worst story we could possibly think of. Mark is the only original character in this entire story and that's because you just never see boy unicorns, let alone were-unicorns. We are sorry if this story does not have enuf vampires or romances, but whatever, just go read everyone elses stories. Toby is the name of our cat, so is Mark. Yay cats! Batman must die! Plain ice cream cones are not tasty, but the waffle cone ones are. This is a very lazy attempt at literature. -.-