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Rated: ASR · Non-fiction · Comedy · #1878306
Is there anything greater than watching your two sweet toddlers throw down? I think not.
I know siblings fight. I have two brothers and two sisters and we fought. Constantly. About everything. I still have a scar on my hand from where my older sister Amy tried to beat me in a race by grabbing my hand and digging her claw into me, hoping I'd slow down. I still won, dragging her with me the whole way, blood running down my hand. So ha! Suck on that, sis!

My youngest two of three, William and Allison, however, take sibling rivalry to new heights. Name-calling, bickering, physical assaults, taunting, you name it, these two do it. With a vengeance. This started when I was pregnant with Al, actually. William was about 15 months old and I was 7 months pregnant. I was sitting on the couch one day when this tiny bundle from hell comes running toward me full-throttle and head butts my stomach. It did NOT feel good, to say the least! I swear, little Allison, not even out of the womb yet, was already planning vengeance.

These two have had some epic fights. There was the bloody nose episode of 2009, the broken lightsaber brawl of 2007 and who could forget the "head smashed against the fireplace hearth" debacle of 2011? But the best fight, the one that will go down in history as one of the greatest struggles mankind has ever known, was the penny fight of 2003.

When the kids were toddlers they generally played together quite well. They did not fight or scrap very often, and when they did it was over quite quickly. That all changed one beautiful warm spring day.

William had just had his 4th birthday and Allison was a few months away from turning 3. I had been working in the yard all morning and had the kids outside with me, since it was so beautiful. As I was sweeping the walk, I heard William say in his sweet toddler voice "Looky, I found a penny!" I looked up and, coming at him like a whirling dervish was a 30 pound ball of pissed-off blonde, pigtails flopping in the wind. "MIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the she-devil screamed. William, caught completely unaware, was blindsided by a hit that would have done any footballer proud. Down on the ground he went, the penny flying out of his hand.

Allison grabbed the penny and clenched it in her grubby little fist. She had fallen on William and was getting ready to climb off her brother to take the prized penny inside to her piggy bank. Will had different ideas. He grabbed her by the ankle and took her down hard. Suddenly I have two toddlers rolling in the dirt and grass, whipping up a cloud that Pigpen from Peanuts would've been proud of. All you could see was a bandaged knee here and a pigtail there. Allison's hand is still furiously clutching the penny and not willing to give up. William is throwing crazy punches in her general direction, but he was so angry, none were landing. Meanwhile, Allison is waving the penny over her head, just out of his reach.

I was so startled at this completely unexpected display of violence that I was temporarily stunned into speechlessness. I finally found my voice and screamed at the top of my lungs "CUT IT OUT!!!!!!" Both kids stopped instantly, faces red, breath coming in gasps. "NOW GIVE ME THE PENNY THIS INSTANT!!!!" Slowly, ragged breaths becoming steadier, they stood up and walked slowly over to me. I held out my hand and Allison, very grudgingly, placed the penny in the palm of my hand. "Now get inside and TAKE A NAP. NOW!!!!!"

As they walked toward the door, side-by-side, my beautiful little blonde two-year-old treasure of a daughter looked at her big brother and said, quietly, "I whooped your BUTT, brother!!"

Best. Fight. Ever.
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