Part 6 A memoir. Trigger warning: Trauma
|PART VI: FADE TO BLACK
I tell her I have to save that for later because my stomach
already feels a little nauseous from eating all of my meal today.
She’s happy just to hear that. We have a fantastic visit, and
before she leaves, assures me that she will call me tonight.
The next morning I awake at 6 am shower, dress into my
khakis, polo shirt, and hiking boots, and settle down to
watch IMUS until breakfast arrives. As scheduled, at
around 7, my tray is delivered. Alright Josh, just do this
like you did yesterday. There’s nothing to it. Actually,
the Raisin Bran looks good and I commence to eating
everything except the apple. After that horrible razor
in the apple scare at Halloween when I was 5; I’ve never
eaten another apple. No, not that I MYSELF got the razor
in the apple, but the point is that several poor little bastards
did; therefore apples are considered highly dangerous and
deadly in my book. I can’t say that it isn’t highly probable
that my over protective parents instilled this fear in me. We’ll
blame the eccentricities and paranoid tendencies on them.
I hear a knock on the door and assume it’s the nurse so I
don’t even tear my eyes away from the cowboy hat donned
IMUS who’s right in the middle of ripping someone a new
one over the phone.
I quickly turn towards the door and see Dr. Lall, hands in the
air, hunched over and lurching slowly towards me.
‘That’s NOT fucking funny!!!’
It really did send me back into panic mode!
‘Okay okay…I’m just kidding with you!’
‘I know, but let’s leave these nuts out of it shall we?’
‘How ya doing? Heyyyyyyyy……you ate good!’
‘I’m actually not too bad! Maybe it’s the new baseball cap.’
‘I see that! Where’d you get it from…your girlfriend?’
‘Pssshhhtttt…no way…came from mom.’
‘Yeah…she came in town the other day and is staying at
my house right now until I get out of here. Pretty cool huh?’,
I smile again for the second time.
‘Well yeahhhhhhh…….way cool. I like it. The color is
‘Oh lord…it’s not about the color; it’s about the team.’
‘So when am I getting out of here? And who’s that guy
that’s in the other room. He said you were his doctor too.’
‘Can’t say that I know when you are getting out because I,
unfortunately, don’t have anything to do with that. Oh yeah
…that’s Steven….you met him?’
‘Well I knowwwwwww he’s ‘Steven’. I really haven’t met
him but he’s in the classes they have here so I’ve seen
him around.’, I really want to know more because, strangely,
I feel as if he is so much like myself.
‘He’s a good guy.’ She slaps me on my arm. ‘Heyyyy you
should introduce yourself.’
She leans her head to the side and wears a sad smile.
‘You need friends Josh. Maybe it would at least be a start.’
‘We’ll see. Hey you know you’re interrupting my damn news
‘I see that..and yet…you are still talking to me.’
I laugh slightly.
‘Yeahhhhhhhhhhh…….I wouldn’t toss you to the side for
IMUS that’s for sure. But don’t ever pull that ‘crazy deer lady
’ scene on me again. That’s freaky! You weren’t here!’
‘I’m sorry. I thought it would make you laugh!’
‘It’s alright…..I’m sure I’ll laugh about it in oh say 20 years.’
She slaps her tiny hands on her thighs and says, ‘Well…gotta
go! You know the life of a resident right?’
‘I know.’ I’m depressed that she has to go so soon and play
with the brim of my hat.
‘I’ll see YOU when you get out of here SOON!’
‘They said maybe in the next couple of days. They haven’t
told me when so I don’t know when I’ll see you.’
‘Well..tell you what. Just call me as soon as you get out and
we’ll set up an appointment for the next day. How’s that
sound to ya?’
‘Yeah…….that would be good.’
‘Bye Josh’, she smiles that huge smile and walks out of the
door towards Stevens’ room.
Ten o’clock, that means Art Therapy time. I saunter down
the hall towards the therapy room and pleasantly great the
therapist there. She then asks me if I’d like to try something
different and I shrug my shoulders, ‘Sure…I’ll try it.’ As I’m
not an artist I can only tell you that I have a plain piece of
copper and I get to choose a stencil to hammer out in it. It’s
actually really cool. I choose a bull, since I’m a Taurus,
and start painstakingly tapping away….not wanting to mess
this up like I usually fuck up every craft I try to do. Curly
headed Steven finally walks in about ten minutes later.
He takes a seat right by me, says ‘Hi’, and then watches
what I’m doing for a while.
‘I’ll do that.’, he tells the therapist.
She’s again thrilled that we’re actually doing something
and I am embarrassed about my former actions towards
her. Sorry…it was the depression talking. That really
isn’t me. I’m really not this person anyway. I’m sorry. I’m
so very deeply sorry.
While were working on our copper reliefs, Steven strikes
up a conversation with me. Actually, it wasn’t a normal
conversation, it was more of an ‘I’m checking you out.’
kind of conversation between the two of us. We asked
benign things and answered benign questions. By the end
of the class; I think we’ve decided we definitely like each
other. I think I may have an actual, real life, not on the computer,
makings of a friend!