personal book/letter to my sons about trials of life
|June 30, 2011
*** This letter was written to Joel but it being partially revised as a letter to Joel and Ethan.
I am writing you this long letter book because I want you to know how much I care for you. I started out as a descent mother and quickly turned bad. I want the best for you and have the best intentions, but I haven’t been the best mom…and you’re only approaching three years of age. I need you to know my desires and my heart for you so that even if your life doesn’t turn out so well, you will know my efforts and my desires for you.
This is important to me because I don’t know what my parents were thinking when they raised me. I saw and felt their love, but there good intentions didn’t translate into great parenting. These days good is not enough because times are changing and what produced an adequate person back in the day won’t necessarily produce one today.
What you will find in my letters are my thoughts about various issues that make a person who they are. You will find what I plan to do to rear you and what outcomes I purpose for you. You will read about issues such as money, sex, religion, education, and family.
I don’t want you to read this book and get the impression that I am bashing your grandparents or anyone for that matter. I am simply letting you know the short comings of my life and how I perceive them. The areas in my life that I feel could have been better established, I write about. This is so you will learn from my mistakes and general errors that occurred in my life. Your grandparents did the best they could; lots of parents do. The problem is good is not always good enough and our best can come up short.
My parents may have very welled imagined things going a certain way for it to turn out completely different. I want you to get a dose of reality that I didn’t know or understand growing up. So please see past the negative and see the lessons to be learned and the positives to embrace. I hope this letter helps you in some way and guides you as you take your journey through life.
June 30, 2011
I must confess that when you were in my womb I had the hardest time accepting your coming. Up until recently, I wished I had either aborted you or gave you up for adoption. The problem was never you; it was me, the timing, and the circumstances. Perhaps if you had been conceived with a man that is not your father in a time where I was mentally and financially able to care for you, I would not have had such a negative attitude toward your coming. The reality is that you came from a booty call. I was depressed and on the rebound. I couldn’t be at home high so I hung out with your father and got stoned. Our conversations had me convinced that he would give me what no boy had been able to… and he did… only I wanted an orgasm and instead he gave me you. I was foolish on so many levels. You were conceived after only two or three times with your father. It’s true what they say: it only takes one time. We did use a condom, but it broke and half of it was lodged in me for two days before it came down far enough for me to discover it and pull it out. This is how dumb your mother is: instead of risking a yeast infection from of the vaginal inserts and foam birth control, I just used a condom only. By the way, I scratched myself once or twice while pregnant with you and I tried drinking wine and looking up ways to abort you at home, but I couldn’t bring myself to try anything.
Realizing that you would be brought into a dysfunctional and less than appealing domestic situation, I began to get more and more depressed and despise your coming. I didn’t want to ruin your life with two horrible drug addicted parents. I didn’t think the family would step in and raise you or offer me enough support to make it work. I just had so many negative thoughts and FEARS that I couldn’t accept your coming.
When you came, I still couldn’t accept it because things hadn’t changed and you did come into a bad situation. Whenever, I think about your father and how you have four half-brothers and one half-sister I think how AWEFUL. I keep wondering when your dead-beat-dad will change and start loving you. Your paternal grandparents don’t seem to care about seeing you. It hurts that you aren’t loved by your other family in the way I imagine love looking. I am afraid that will continue into your adolescence and somehow scar you.
Now, I have stopped regretting you and started wondering if raising you is the right thing. I feel it’s too late to give you up now. You love me and are attached to me. In the beginning it would be too hard on you and me. I don’t know who it would be more difficult for. I don’t want to know. I can’t imagine my life without you. I am yours and you are mines.
The problem is, every day I fail you. I fail you by yelling, cursing, calling you animal, spanking you, and not spending quality time with you. I am not even working right now and still can’t seem to find it in myself to play with you. I am such a lazy person these days. You deserve someone who is patient, won’t ever yell at you unless you were about to run into traffic, won’t ever curse at you, and won’t call you names. That person is not me, but I want it to be. Every day I pray I will be the mom I need to be and I try to talk to myself so that I stay calm and loving. I know life is a struggle and a learning process, but I have messed up so much already I just feel like you should be with a family that will treat you better and ensure that you grow up to be a great man of God. I hope the way I am now is not a reflection of the mom I will grow in God to be. One of my biggest fears is letting you down and not raising you right.
Even though I have messed up badly and have deep regrets and horrible habits to kick, I want to get it right and be the best for you and raise you right. I will get it right. I just am messing up a lot now. Good news is, I quit smoking weed and hanging around bad influences and I am finally glad you are my son and have no regrets about that. I am in school and determined to get my associates and begin working and being a hardworking mom and showing you that ethic. I am reading the Word again almost daily and making strides towards becoming godly. I am in a better place now than I have been in several years. We are off to a better start…again.
On the bright side, I never stopped caring for you while you were in my womb…although I came to my wits end and wanted to start smoking weed at times, I didn’t. I was afraid to even take pain killers after I had my tooth pulled. I was afraid to take any medication with you inside of me. I did take a few Tylenols for the tooth extraction and in the last month or two I started taking antidepressants. This goes to show that I cared for your well-being and wanted you to be safe and healthy. Also, while you were in me I prayed over you and your future. I continue to pray for you and won’t stop praying with and for you.
So that is my confession. I just wanted you to know how you were conceived and the struggle I endured in accepting you as my son. I want you to know where I have come from so that as my love blossoms for you, you may appreciate it even in its imperfection. You are Joel Nathaniel Keeling. Though my flesh would try to lead me to believe otherwise, you are my gift from God and I ultimately trust God has something great in store for us.
I would like to now share with you some more about my past so that you can learn some lessons the first time around.
September 17, 2012
I confessed about Joel coming into the world. Now it is time to confess how you were conceived and all the wrong things I have done related to your time in Utero. Your father and I broke up in November. We kept sleeping around and you were conceived in February. I smoked pot until I found out I was pregnant with you at two three weeks. Roland and I had a lot of problems so he wasn’t in the picture. In fact, he was off having sex with some girl he got pregnant who in turn had an abortion. I tried to abort you. I made two appointments and cancelled them both because I just couldn’t do it. I rather suffer as I am than kill someone. You would probably be better off unborn than to have me as a mom, but God allowed you to be conceived so I have to accept that. Here is the truly dumb part; you didn’t have to be conceived had I been using protection. I didn’t use any AT ALL. I was in the process of getting off of Depo and seeking an IUD. I had the plan B pills but was saving them for some reason. As with your brother, I made the mistake of thinking I was invincible and couldn’t get pregnant. The worst part is that in April or May I started scratching myself and one night I drank a pint of Smirnoff wine cooler and smoked almost an entire black&mild. I was acting out, depressed and angry. I wanted Roland to give me attention and be there for me. Also, I tried to abort you at home. I tried sticking a hanger up my vagina but couldn’t for certain find my cervix nor could I get it past whatever was there and hurting when I kept trying to guide the hanger further. I gave up on that and tried to abort you my causing a book case to fall on my abdomen. That didn’t work and now I have been afraid that I have caused you damage. I don’t want you, just like I didn’t want Joel. I have been nauseated, depressed, and tired. I have been treating your brother horribly. I feel bad about treating you badly like I did Joel when he was in Utero. I love you and want you to be here already because this pregnancy is worst than Joel’s, but in my heart I don’t want to be a mom. I don’t want to mess up yet another life. That’s it, that’s all I have to say about your conception and your incubation.
July 1, 2011
I believe that one of the things that damaged me as a person is not being able to communicate. I am certain that if I had the ability to communicate with my parents I would have fared better in life. I would not have been afraid to talk to my parents about issues that were important to my development such as body image, reproduction, education, depression, relationships, God, and sex.
I want us to be open and honest with one another. I want you to trust me enough to come to me about anything that concerns you. I don’t want you to have to search the world for answers, directions, and guidance because you are afraid, nervous, or uncomfortable to talk to me. My goal is to create and maintain a relationship with you that allows you the freedom to be you, but with boundaries. When I say that I mean that whatever stage you are at in life, I want you to be able to come to me and know that you can trust me with your heart, thoughts, secrets, you name it. I don’t want you to EVER hide from me in any shape form or fashion. I am not here to judge you or dictate your life. I am here to guide you.
Of course as a parent I will not accept the unacceptable. I would not condone you using drugs, being a homosexual, killing, stealing, etc. HOWEVER, if you came to me with any of those issues we would take it before the LORD and before a therapist and work through it. I would not simply dismiss you and command you to stop and tell you it’s my way or the highway and have you do these things behind my back and get into deeper trouble. Obviously whatever you do, you like doing and are not going to come to me so I can stop you, but you need to be safe at all times and allowing me to know the troubles you are getting into can protect you if you get in over your head. Of course I am going to try and steer you right, but as Christians hopefully the bad habits you get into are phases or explorations and you come to me knowing you need to stop, but don’t know how. There are many scenarios and we can’t address them all. The point is I would hope that you would come to me for the sake of your safety and well-being.
In the following chapters you will see what I mean about the level of communication I want to have with you. For example, if you were to go through a phase (what I would hope would be a phase) where you feel you are bisexual or homosexual, I want you to feel like you can discuss those feelings with me and not have to hide it. You should talk to me about those things if you have questions. I am your number one guidance, teacher, and mentor here on earth. As your mom I am here to help you get to a point where you can stand on your own: God plus nothing. You should be able to trust me to give you sound advice and guidance about any and everything. If I don’t have the answer I should be able to point you to someone who does.
I believe the problem with many children dependents is that they go to the world for answers when learning starts at home. This is a mistake because the world has a different view than God’s. Our leader is Jehovah and his mind should be in us. We should seek his guidance first and above all. As your mom I should have the mind of Christ and should be able to guide you better than the world, another minor/dependent, and so on.
My goal is to be the person God has for me to be so that you can come to me and trust my advice over nonsense. As a dependent you should want to test my words of hopefully wisdom against whatever the television, music, world, friends, teachers, counselors, or your own flesh tells you. I imagine that without an open and secure relationship you won’t communicate well with me and you won’t even consider my wisdom. That is a scary notion and a slippery slope.
There was so much I wanted to talk to my parents about, but failed to because of embarrassment and nervousness. I was not accustomed to talking openly and boldly. It takes a lot to strip yourself down and bare your soul to someone. I was never good at just talking to my parents about serious matters. Had I done so I may have been able to test their wisdom and guidance against my own notions or that of what was being planted in my mind by worldly views. Sure my parents talked to me about certain things, but it was not an ongoing thing or even a discussion to where they knew my mind and were able to get through to me on a level that I could really get the value of their teachings.
I don’t want to tell you what I believe and leave it at that. I want to cultivate a relationship to where we discuss issues. I don’t want to just lecture and not know how you really feel about the information I am giving you. I will endeavor not to push you and force you to talk, but I will be so candid that hopefully you will be comfortable voicing your honest thoughts. To reiterate, you will see many examples of the communication I endeavor to establish with you in the following sections. It will become clearer to you. Hopefully, at this point in your life you already see the type of communication I am trying to establish with you. The following chapters will prepare you for some of the roads ahead and what I expect of our relationship and our journey as mom and son.