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Rated: 13+ · Non-fiction · Comedy · #1905335
A man encounters some new competition for his Wife's time and attention.
    My wife has seemed a little distant lately, and we don't seem as close as we once were. I'm not sure what happened, but it all started around the time she bought her brand new, 2017 Ford Escape SE Titanium. Sometimes, as soon as she gets home from work, she'll change clothes, jump in her Escape, and disappear for hours at a time. She'll come home hours later with her face flushed, and an empty tank of gas.The other night in desperation, I asked her if she would like to talk, order some sushi, cuddle for hours, and maybe, watch the romantic movie, "Dirty Dancing." She told me she couldn't, because Burt was due for his five thousand mile checkup, he needed to be washed after the recent snow storm, and she had just seen the nicest set of gray floor mats at Walmart. At least, I now have a name, in my battle for my wife's time and affections. Darn that Burt.

    This past Saturday morning, I got up early and decided to take a closer look at my new competition. I think it would be easier to understand and accept, if I were faced with a flesh and blood man with a few faults and imperfections. The pain and heartache wouldn't have been as bad if it was someone she met at work, with common interests, and similar hopes and dreams.

    As I walked out into the driveway, I slowly circled, a little under two tons tons of the latest in American know-how and cutting-edge technology. I had to admit that Burt was one handsome devil. His silver body was polished to a shimmering shine, which reflected the rays of a magnificent sunrise, as it rose above the distant hills. He was almost as tall as me, long, sleek, and seemed to be all fine lines and contours. As I tentatively opened the driver's side door, and slipped inside, I leaned back, and relaxed on a sturdy, but unbelievably soft, leather-trimmed bucket seat.

    I turned on the motor, and heard the gentle purr of a finely tuned, smooth, yet powerful 1.5 liter EcoBoost engine with 179, available horsepower. I had plenty of leg room as I stretched out, and reached for the 10-speaker audio system by Sony. I was instantly surrounded from all sides by a flawless speaker system. As Bruce Springsteen belted out his classic song, "Born to Run," I imagined racing down a mountain road with my worries behind me, and the thrill of what unexpected adventure lay just around the next bend. I took a minute to look at Burt's interior. It was smooth and gray, unmarked by even a single imperfection. Yes, he was extremely attractive, but there had to be more to him than just his good looks.

    Reaching for the nearby glove compartment, I took out the owner's manual, and soon understood that I had my work cut out for me. Burt was not only dependable, good-looking, and got great gas mileage, but he had features I could only dream about. I read of: dual-zone electronic automatic climate control, a heated, and ergonomically designed steering wheel, enhanced active park assist, forward collision warning with brake assist, a touchscreen navigation system, and......and....... What the heck! It says that Burt has "intelligent" All-Wheel Drive. I can't compete with this. Not only does he look good, but he has brains too!

      Over the next few days, I pondered my next move. My wife was gone for longer and longer periods of time. We barely spoke, and saw each other infrequently. I noticed that Burt was always washed and polished, and was now getting regularly serviced. I had a tough decision to make, and I think it's best for both of us. I didn't want to do it, but my wife forced my hand. I just got back from my local Ford dealer, and I want all of you to meet Sally. Pretty hot, huh?

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