Phoenix wakes up feeling like he is on the edge of a nervous breakdown...
|Phoenix woke up feeling horrible. He had nightmares that were not only unexplainable, but unfathomable. Most of the time, he could at least figure out where the nightmares came from, but this morning, Phoenix was at a loss as to where they came from and why. The worst part was that nightmares and the feelings they produced stuck with Phoenix most of the morning, if not most of the day. He felt ashamed of his nightmares, and he felt lonely because no one understood him, or so he thought. His psychiatrist was off on Fridays, so he was out of luck as far as calling his doctor went. There were other people at the mental health clinic that cared about him and that would listen, but then he remembered that he was meeting with his case manager later that morning. Phoenix washed his hair, got dressed, hugged his spouse, and went out to warm up his vehicle. His friend from across the street came out to say hello to him while he was letting his vehicle defrost. Phoenix had the terrible thought that he did not have any friends who were not mentally ill. What did that matter? For some reason, the thought had come to mind, and made Phoenix feel even worse about himself. What was wrong with him?
Phoenix finally went to the book store, where he was to meet the case manager in a little more than an hour. He talked to the barista for a bit, which cheered him up some, and then went to a table and set up his computer so that he could write. Write about what? He did not know what he should be writing about. Christmas music was playing over the speakers in the coffee shop. All Phoenix knew was that writing often calmed his spirit. That was another issue - his spirit. He could never seem to forgive himself. He had asked his doctor the other day how he does it. "Well, I think I forgive myself. It wears off after a while." Why doesn't mine wear off? "I think you're obsessing about it." Well, how do I not do that? "Well, it's like I told you. You do what's right. And enjoyable." Phoenix loved his doctor. Like a father. That is what he was to Phoenix - a father, a friend, and a mentor. Phoenix was thankful to God for him and prayed never to lose him.
So, as Phoenix wrote on his computer, he began to think about things other than his nightmares and fears. He began to wonder, instead, what was wrong with him. Did they have a diagnosis for what was wrong with him? Or did they just do the best they could with the diagnoses that they had at present. Phoenix thought of the DSM-5 that was coming out in six months. What would be in there that would apply to him...or not? The DSM-5 could be a game-changer for everybody. Phoenix was fearful of the changes that may come with the new DSM. Phoenix definitely needed help, and was afraid that he would lose it. But what did he have to be afraid of? He had God. God would take care of him, as He always had. Phoenix just had to believe.