A Seinfield Type Comedy Play about nothing, making fun of sterotypes.
ANGIE 50 years old. Casually dressed in a knit sweater and skirt. Plump, absent minded, a somewhat
reserved spinster. A movie theater patron and no relation to Ben or his son.
BEN 40 years old. Casually dressed in jeans and t-shirt. Big, burly, Archie Bunker type with a soft
heart, but he's judgemental.
JAKE 17 years old. Casually dressed in jeans and t-shirt. Average height, slender, slightly rebellious.
MATHEMATICIAN Casually dressed in sweater, sports shirt and slacks. Conservative, thinks logically.
MINISTER Casually dressed in a long sleeved shirt and slacks. Religious, but a hypocrite.
SNOB Casually dressed in a sports shirt, slacks and sweater with a school insignia.
Sophisticated and helpful, but for self importance
MOVIE ATTENDANT Dressed in a dark blue uniform with a theater logo on the shirt. Short tempered,
but he follows the rules.
COMPLAINERS People yelling in the theater.
An average sized movie theater that consists of a single auditorium with rows of comfortable seats, as well as a foyer area containing a box office for buying tickets, a counter and self-service facilities for buying snacks, drinks and restrooms.
[ANGIE is sitting in the middle row in the dark, where the movie has played for about 15 minutes. She decides to buy a drink and opens her purse to get her wallet. Then, she hears a clinking noise and thinks her keys have fallen on the floor. She gets up and turns around to kneel, when she knocks over the popcorn of the man who is sitting next to her spilling it on him and his seat.]
[BEN reacts perturbed, lifts his hand and brushes the popcorn off his t-shirt and on to the floor]
BEN: Geez lady, what do you think you're doing? I paid a lot of dough for that popcorn, and had to stand in line for almost ten minutes. Now I have to go back and wait again.
ANGIE: I'm sorry, I think I dropped my keys.
BEN: Are you sure you dropped them?
ANGIE: Yes, I heard them fall.
BEN: Okay, lady, let me help you look for them. Ouch! I think I just stubbed my big toe. Oh, that hurts!
[BEN turns around and tries to kneel, but he's too big and gets wedged between the seats, not able to move]
JAKE: Dad, what are you doing down there? Why aren't you watching the movie?
[BEN answers sarcastically]
BEN: I'm saying the Rosary. What does it look like? I'm stuck between the seats. Get me out of here!
[ANGIE talks to BEN'S SON]
ANGIE: You grab his right arm, and I'll grab his left one. When I say pull, we'll get him out. Ready, pull!
[They manage to pry BEN free, but the people yell at him, and tell him to sit down]
COMPLAINERS: Hey, mister, SIT DOWN and SHUT UP! We want to watch the movie!.
[BEN sits in his seat, mumbling to himself and ANGIE]
BEN: All I wanted to do is sit and watch a movie, not play musical chairs. I'm too big to get down there, but my son's thin, maybe he can help you.
[points to JAKE sitting on the right side of him]
JAKE: Do I have to? I'll miss the best part of the movie. I've been waiting months for this sequel to come out, Dad.
BEN: What if that was mom, and she lost her keys. You spent all those years going to Boy Scouts. Surely they taught you to help old ladies cross the streets and stuff.
JAKE: No Dad, they taught me how to tie knots and build fires. Also, how to set up tents and survive in the wilderness.
BEN: Do me a favor son, help this lady out and look for her keys.
JAKE: You spent a lot of money on the tickets, Dad. She's going to ruin everything.
[BEN raises his voice]
BEN: We'll get the movie when it comes out on DVD. Get your bony butt down there and help the lady!
[JAKE reluctantly slides down on the floor and begins to search]
ANGIE: I'm sorry to trouble you both, and I do appreciate your son's help.
[MATHEMATICIAN sitting in front of BEN turns around and offers his help]
MATHEMATICIAN: Maybe I can assist you ma'am, I overheard you say you dropped your keys. Hmm, they probably fell in a forward position at the point of a triangle, depending on the force that was applied when they dropped.
BEN: How did you figure that out? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. How do you know where to look?
MATHEMATICIAN: Logic, of course.
[BEN starts to get irritated]
BEN: Well, if you know where they are, why don't you just go and get them for the lady?
MATHEMATICIAN: That's just an assumption, it's not a positive. I would actually have to do more calculating, to come up with more of a precise answer.
BEN: Are you trying to be a wise guy? I've no clue what you're talking about. Help the lady, or turn around and shut up. You're getting on my nerves.
MATHEMATICIAN: Okay, you don't have to be rude. I'll look for them at the interior angle area of 180 degrees. That's a good place to start, and then I'll go from there.
[MATHEMATICIAN kneels down and starts to search when his hand accidentally touches Jake's who's already searching under the same seat. They both jump up like a jack in the box off the floor]
JAKE: Dad, this is creeping me out! Somebody else is down on the floor. I just felt a hand, and it wasn't mine.
BEN: Of course it wasn't yours, it was his.
[BEN points to the MATHEMATICIAN standing in front of him in shock with his hair looking like he put his finger in an electric socket]
[MATHEMATICIAN muttering to BEN]
MATHEMATICIAN: I know l only had ONE glass of wine with my lunch, but I swear I felt a hand under the seat while I was searching for the keys, and it wasn't mine.
[BEN points to his son]
BEN: No, it wasn't your hand. It was his. What are two doing, playing tag? You both are acting like there's a Boogieman down there.
MATHEMATICIAN: Oh! What a relief, I knew there would be a rational explanation. In that case, I will continue my search to help the lady.
[MATHEMATICIAN: gets down and resumes his search]
BEN: What did he just say?
ANGIE: I don't know, at least he's trying to help.
[BEN tells JAKE to get back on the floor. He slides down again whining and continues to search for the keys.]
[COMPLAINERS yell at ANGIE and BEN]
COMPLAINERS: Will you SHUT UP, we're trying to watch the movie!
[SNOB sitting on the left of ANGIE makes a silly comment]
SNOB: My, my, you people are in a tizzy. I noticed you were all moving around in your seats. Is there a problem madam?
ANGIE:Yes, I've lost my keys and we're trying to find them.
BEN: What are you deaf? Didn't you hear us all talking about the lady's keys? We've spoken about them through the movie.
SNOB: No, sir, I always disengage from everything around me when I watch a motion picture. I do not hear anything. I am usually fixated to the screen, and I do not change posture unless I have to use the lavatory.
BEN: Huh? What would you use a laboratory for?
SNOB: No, not laboratory. Lavatory, it is a restroom. I think you have it confused with laboratory, but I can understand how you could confuse the two words. Laboratory has the letter b instead of the letter v after the letter a. Also laboratory has an o after the letter b as lavatory has another letter a, after the letter v.
[BEN shakes his head and rolls his eyes]
BEN: STOP!.... Geez, what are you, a Looney Tune? If you want to help, get down on the floor and find the lady's keys?
ANGIE: Oh, I don't think they've fallen over that far.
SNOB: You never know madam. Anything is possible. May I be of service to you?
BEN: Will you quit talking like that? You're not speaking to the Queen, just help the woman.
SNOB: I beg your pardon sir, my speech reflects the prestigious school, Snobbery Academy that I attended. Just give me a moment to remove my sweater and pull out my handkerchief, then I can help. I use it for my nose when it bleeds if I point it too high in the air.
[SNOB] stands up for a minute and turns around, placing his sweater on the chair, pulls out his handkerchief, places it on the floor and kneels on it]
COMPLAINERS: SIT DOWN and SHUT UP, let us watch the rest of the movie!
[MINISTER leans over the chair and speaks to ANGIE]
MINISTER: I'm a minister, and I've listened to all five of you discussing the loss of your keys, dear lady. Now, I think we should pray and ask God exactly where they are.
[BEN turns around, buts in and replies mocking the man]
BEN: In case you haven't noticed, this isn't a church.
MINISTER: That doesn't matter, God is everywhere. I'm sure he'll be glad to help.
[BEN questions the minister and then laughs]
BEN: If you're a minister, what are you doing at a vampire movie? Isn't that against your religion? I thought Christians are forbidden to watch violent horror movies. Unless you plan to do an exorcism. Ha, ha.
MINISTER: Very funny. I' m here to check the rating for the church members. A lot of people in my congregation enjoy this kind of movie, and I'm writing a report in a our monthly newsletter.
[ANGIE turns around]
ANGIE: Oh, how thoughtful of you.
BEN: That's a lie! You're watching the movie because you love the blood, guts and gore. You're a hypocrite. How can you pray with those lips when your eyeglasses are steamy from lust? Why don't you just admit that I'm right!
[MINISTER casually removes his glasses and hides them in his shirt pocket]
MINISTER: No you're not right, and I don't like being called a liar. How can you judge me? You don't know anything about my life.
[BEN gets angry]
BEN: Well, what are you going to do about it? Huh? Come on preacher, hit me! I dare you to!
ANGIE: Please stop fighting, the theater is in an uproar! I have to find my keys. This is getting out of hand, you two are behaving like teenage delinquents.
MINISTER: I'm going to get down and ask God where your keys are. Now dear lady, you watch, and you'll see a miracle. Okay?
[ANGIE sighs wearily]
ANGIE: Alright then, just do it, but stop arguing!
[MOVIE ATTENDANT approaches ANGIE's row irritated with a flashlight on]
MOVIE ATTENDANT: I've had so many complaints about you people. Now, what's going on?
[ANGIE nearly in tears]
ANGIE: I lost the metal ring with my car, house and deposit box keys on it. These five people are trying to help me find it.
MOVIE ATTENDANT: If you let me pass by you, I'll shine the flashlight on the floor, and I'm sure you'll find them.
[Just then the lights go on, and the movie is over. All six people stand, staring at the exposed keys, wedged tightly in ANGIE'S front sweater pocket. They all file out of the theater, grumbling out loud to themselves, ANGIE being the last one]
[BEN hobbles out of the theater]
BEN: Leave it to a woman, to make a fool out of you! I didn't see the movie, or get to eat the butter popcorn I love. Damn woman, she had them all the time. I'm practically a cripple now!
[JAKE shaking his head]
JAKE: What a waste of money, and I have to wait for the darn DVD to come out before I see the end of the movie. I spent all that time on the floor looking for NOTHING!
[MATHEMATICIAN reaches for his calculator]
MATHEMATICIAN: Perhaps I should have suggested that she hung her keys on a chain around her neck, and then it's almost impossible for her to lose them. Almost, but there still is a slight probability of loss.
[MINISTER looking up to Heaven crumbles his fake report]
MNISTER: I remember a lady misplaced her wedding ring in the church kitchen and the people prayed for direction from God. She turned on the garbage disposal and found it.
[SNOB holds the door with his nose in the air, it starts to bleed, and he grabs his handkerchief]
SNOB: Well, I'm just glad I tried to help. I have always tried to help others in need.
[MOVIE ATTENDANT flicks his flashlight off and on]
MOVIE ATTENDANT: These five people are morons, fumbling around in the dark looking for a set of keys. I wonder why they didn't wait until the lights came on.
[ANGIE: talking loudly, to thank everyone for their help]
ANGIE: Thanks everyone for your help. Next time, I'll be more careful!
[All six turn around and yell]
ALL SIX: NEXT TIME?
[Fade out ]
Word Count 2334