by Alex Clare
A letter to a first love
|To my First love,
Do you remember when i once said to you "nothing lasts forever" and you used to tell me how you hated that I believed that. That I believed that one day you may not be in my life. Funny how things change. You made me believe in forever and i wish you'd never done that because it turns out my belief was right all along. While you move along with your life and leave me in the dust I realized that it was true. Somehow you made me believe that you'd stay, that we'd last forever. I saw myself in your life and now it hurts because you've taken me out.
I remember once upon a time i was everything you ever wanted, I was your girl. Now im not and I won't ever be again. I hate how I miss you because I always prepared myself since square one for when you'd leave. Then you made me think hey maybe its not like that, stop preparing hes not going anywhere. Bullshit. You've removed me from your life like I was never even that big of a deal.
I thought we could fix us and last forever. 3 years ago I would never have dreamed of saying that
Ive fallen in love. 3 years ago i would never have dreamed of saying that. In love at my age. Shut up.
I wish you believed in us like how you once did. I wish you didnt give up on me. I never thought you would.
I'm always going to be in love with you. There's a part of me that will always be yours to keep and 10 or 20 years down the line it'll still be yours. You've moved on and I guess I should do the same. I meant it when I said "I want you to know that no matter what happens I will always be in love with you" maybe you don't believe that, I dont know. All I know is you don't love me anymore and that hurts more then anything in the world.
It's true what they say your first love is the sweetest but that first cut is the deepest.
Please don't forget me.
Please don't regret me.
Know this though:
I know I confused you, I know sometimes it seems like I don't care and I act like I don't need you well thats all not true. I come across that way but truth be told I do care about you and I do need you. I know I don't make much sense but please don't you ever dare say I don't love you because I do and I forever shall. There are reasons as to why I am the way I am, I'm insecure and don't like trusting people. I don't like feeling weak.
There is something I always wanted to tell you and I was planning on telling you the night you were mean't to stay round. I never told you before because I always thought you'd think I was just looking for sympathy or trying to relate to you on some level. There are less then a handful of people that know this but my father used to hit my mother. Very badly. There is a whole part of my life that I've blocked out and ignore but it still happened. He tried to kill her once, they were in the garage mean't to be going to a party and they got into an argument. He snapped and pushed her into the corner of the garage and tried to strangle her with his bare hands. She pushed him off and ran. All the way to the police station where they took the pictures that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I remember her showing them to me. Her face was bruised and purple and black, her eyes looked dead and life less and her neck...oh god her neck. My hands shake and I feel ill just thinking about it. The police asked her if she wanted to press charges and she said no, she wanted her children to have a father. Oh lord Im a hypocrite because I live with my dad now and my mother lives alone in another country away from me. He did such horrific things but I can never confront him. I love my dad but I hate him as well, I'm afraid of him. Ive seen how he can get and as much as i tell myself he'd never lay a finger on me there is a part of me that doesnt believe it. You used to ask me why I didn't just stand up to my dad now you know why. You also know why I always go along with what my mother wants because the second she mentions how I left her and moved to England after everything he did the guilt kills me. I have trust issues because when I was younger I had to see psychiatrists about all of this and my parents never ending divorce, she asked my sister and I to write diaries. All the things I felt, everything I poured into my diary. We used to go over them with her sometimes and then suddenly things that I had said in my diary started showing up in court. My mom would get annoyed at me and ask me if thats how i felt, my father the same. Then it all came to light, my dad had been paying the psychiatrist to show him the diaries so he could use it in court against my mom. All my feelings, all my emotions, everything I was thinking about was used. Thats why I find it hard to open up to people. My parents divorce was why I didnt believe in forever. To see two people hate each other as much as my parents do makes you wonder if there is such a thing as love. I was hoping to say this all to your face one day but yeah i guess that won't be happening. I guess a part of me is hoping that one day you'll think "hey why don't I read that blog entry again, the old one" then see this and then maybe understand. I needed you all along because you were my rock. You were the one thing in my life that was so incredibly stable. The one thing that was always there. No matter what. You were also the one thing that I thought would love me forever but I guess I was wrong there as well.
There are some songs that will always remind me of you:
1. Beneath your beautiful
3. Just give me a reason
4. With or without you
5. Won't go home without you
7.One and only
8. wish you were here
9. Just be
10. Forever this song will remind me of you: Kiss me
11. Forever this song will remind me of you: Whistle
I hope you may read this down the line with your high paid job and hey maybe on your yacht. I always thought and still do think that one day you'll be the CEO of a business. Maybe you'll open your own restraunt like you used to say you wanted to. I hope your with a women that loves you beyond compare and supports you in everything you do. I hope she makes you happy in the way I couldnt and takes care of you in the way that I couldnt. I hope you know that as stupid as it sounds I was hoping that one day I would have been that girl. I hope you know that I'll never forget the memories we made. I'll never forget you, even when one day you can't recall my name.
Above all though I hope you know that I love you. I'll miss you and your brown eyes.
Your original bitch nazi slag.