by Niala Newar
Me venting my feelings and emotions.
|A feeling of never ending pain
Relentless in its endeavor to never end
Wanting and wishing it would go away
Solitude and loneliness
I am of a mere shadow of something I wish to be
My eyes are open, yet dark
There is light all around yet I see nothing
Numbed and petrified
I still find myself crying, myself to sleep at night
With dreams and nightmares in my mind playing over and over again about you, me and us
I thought the tears had stopped
Stopped from coming, stopped from rolling down my face
Tear filled eyes, blur the images while my mind races.
It’s new yet old pain. Will I get a sense of self-worth back?
I am no good. I am no use, to anyone or anything.
I put on a fake smile and brocade, but all I want to do is runaway, hide and scream.
I’m trapped in this lonely, desperate place, some people call “home”.
This is not my home. This is my hell.
I do things to keep myself busy, and every day I have to ask myself, “Why?”
I still don’t know the answer, will I ever find the answer.
I gave so much of myself. I’m tired, yet I can’t sleep.
I no longer want to give.
I no longer want to touch.
I no longer want to love.
I just want to be left alone.
No one understands me, no one cares.
I must bid a farewell and say good-bye.
People keep saying “I’m sorry, but it will get better. I’ve been there before”. All I want to say to them is; “You don’t know how I feel. You’re not me. You haven’t been through this before, because if you had you wouldn’t be such a bitch or ass. If you knew how I felt, you wouldn’t be saying the dumbass shit that you are saying”.
It’s not helpful, when people think they are being helpful. The only thing they are doing actually is getting on your nerves and making an enemy for a time being to life.
Don’t tell people how to react or act to their emotions or feelings. My feelings and the way I feel is not dumb. You will never understand how it feels to love and not be loved then hurt drastically. You will never know how it feels to want something so much only to not have it happened then rejected for it not happening. Twice that has happened. It doesn’t feel too good. It makes you feel less than a person. Less than a human. Less than a WOMAN.
I sometimes wish I could just see him again and let him know just how badly I hurt. I just want to take a machete and whack both of his arms off and beat him in the head with it. I then want to step on each toe one by one with a very pointy heel and crush the bones in them to ashes. Next I would wear a very pointy shoe and kick him right where it would make him see stars and his insides would come out the other end. I want to rip his heart out with my pair hands and shove it in his mouth until he can’t breathe. Make him swallow his own heart. Hopefully it ends back where it belongs, so that I can rip it out all over again and continue this mundane ritual of assertive compulsive torture. Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t that be sweet?