Advice for the lovelorn...
|Why do we do this to ourselves?
Over and over again, we lose our hearts (and our minds) to another human being. We're giddy each second we're rewarded with their company. Thoughts of the beloved wander unbidden into our minds when we're buying toilet paper or wrangling lunch from a street vendor. Before we know it, we begin to wonder, is this it? Is this the one we've been waiting for? We may even discover that our beloved is wondering the same wonderful things about us. The future seems cast in a pastel glow like a July sunset.
And then, before we know it and seemingly out of nowhere, it all comes to a horrifying applying-the-brakes-at-Indy unbelievable end.
"Why" doesn't really matter, even if it's the nagging question that haunts our minds. Maybe figuring out the why can help us in the recovery, but it's not terribly likely. Why will only sprout more questions and self-doubt. What does why matter, anyway? It's not going to change the present--only living in the present can do that. In the end, we all have to cope. We all have to deal. And then we need to move on with our lives.
If there's a worse feeling to being human than to have loved and lost (beat it, Shakespeare--I respectfully disagree) I don't want any free samples. Then I think about this worst of feelings and wonder why we bother in the first place. No one who swears off love seems to stick to that oath.
Yet we keep at it. Over and over again we go looking for something we might not be able to describe, knowing full well the agony that could be the result. Well, so long as we're going to keep at this crazy game of tag, we might as well learn something along the way.
Allow me to share a little of what I've learned on my own twisted path, which has included a divorce among other split relationships. The end of love hurts. There's no dissembling about it. Parting from your significant other can take you to depths of emotional pain like you've never imagined. But the end of a relationship isn't the end of you. You will go on. Your choice is whether to go on positively or go on negatively.
There is such a thing as a good break up. Ideally this would mean a mutual decision to part ways, but you don't need the cooperation of the other person to have a better experience. It is entirely up to you and your reserve of inner strength. Are you resolved to handle the end of your relationship as well as you possibly can? Read these tips, study them, and apply them in your own life.
The end of love is a terrible thing, but don't compound the tragedy by harboring hatred.
Don't hate your ex. Easier said than done, I know. Negative feelings--hate, anger, resentment, and so on--won't hurt your ex anywhere nearly as much as they can hurt you. Hate is an emotional cancer. It can twist and grow within you. You have been challenged to instead try and remember what was good about your ex and to try and nurture positive feelings. Well, all right, neutral feelings are also fine. The point is to not let yourself fall into the mire of hate. Raise your feelings and you can lift your outlook on the whole situation.
Honesty should be rule number one, no matter what.
Even when you're standing on the precipice of a failing relationship, don't start spouting lies in a desperate attempt at reconcilliation. If you feel the need to lie, you're lying to yourself that the relationship can be saved. If you're angry and hurting, don't shut it away. Tell the other person exactly how you feel.
Always try talking through any problems.
If you can reconcile your differences, you've achieved a triumph. If you can't, perhaps it's time to be moving along. Either way, don't let a communications breakdown blur the truth.
Never take the sum total of previous bad experiences and project them onto your current partner.
Whatever hell you may have been through in the past with other people, those people are not your current significant other. Don't put whatever blame issues you may have onto their shoulders. This is not fair to them and will only keep you locked in a dark past.
Words and promises really are like the wind until there is action to back them up--or prove them false.
It's easy to promise to change, but much harder to actually follow through with it. In a desperate situation, your significant other may swear up and down that they will alter their behavior if you would only give them one more chance. You probably already know how likely that change is. Don't fall for it.
You can never change another person, so don't think you can fix your partner.
They must find the strength to change inside themselves. You can offer support and love, but otherwise it's up to that other person. If change is necessary and your partner lacks the will, maybe it's time to leave.
No relationship is ever a waste a time.
It's true. Even the horrible ones teach us something--about ourselves, about other people, about life and living.
Relationships are work, and are worth every bit of effort.
Love is not easy. No one ever said it was supposed to be. But it is another example of we get out of love what we put into love. Sure, we may get into fights and hurt sensitive feelings. But the challenge of love is not to avoid conflicts, but rather to resolve them in the best possible way.
Whatever the outcome, no relationship is ever a failure.
Relationships are like obstacle courses. We're meant to meet the challenges and keep moving forward, no matter how long it takes us or how awkward we might be. However your relationship ends, you still have that experience to enrich your life.
Keep something else in mind too. No relationship ever really ends. Everyone we encounter in life will stay with us, somehow and in some way. Remember the good things!