First assignment

This was my first assignment as a Thug-For-Hire and after 4 months out of work, I was determined to make an impression and ensure my cousin Bobby looked good for recommending me. At 21, I was already a class A failure; fired from the frozen yogurt place for sampling the toppings, fired as a telemarketer for using profanity, and most recently fired from the lawn maintenance crew for not recognizing the difference between a dandelion and a daisy. All this after failing out of college and promising my parents that a little real world experience would make me a better person. It wasn't looking good.

I swore I would only call Cousin Bobby as a last result. But here I am on my last option for work. The organization was run by a 50 year old thief who found he could charge big bucks for performing questionable, yet not quite illegal, acts. At least not illegal according to his definition. "Friends" would hire him to scare, humiliate, embarrass or just annoy someone who fell out of their favor. We called the boss Marshall. He was as big as a house (think Jabba the Hut without the glamour) and really good at his job. With a crew of 5, I was the newbie. I would ignore the fact that I am a pacifist and push all those ugly feelings deep inside. This could be my thing and I was ready to shine.

The task was simple enough: terrify a teenage girl who refused to go to the prom with a "friend's" daughter. No real rough stuff, just scare her so she knew to make better decisions in the future. For this, Marshall got $150 and I would get $75. Easy enough - how could I loose? I was warned that Tiffany was not simply a bubble gum teenager with a ponytail and ear buds. She was gorgeous, bright, spoiled and riddled with attitude. The more I heard about her the more I wanted to fulfill my assignment.

It has been said that I can be intimidating so I decided to use my physicality and overall frightful demeanor to add a little terror to her high school days. She could not help but be afraid of my 240 pound frame, dark Greek complexion and full beard. I was intrigued and actually wanted to meet her. How could I get her to me when all I had was her cell phone number and a picture of her with a miniature sized dog. I originally thought social media would be key. Maybe a Tweet or friend request? Soon I realized that just would not be quick or certain enough. I texted her instead.

"Meet me at 4pm at Hannigan's Pub. Your life depends on it." I typed it into my phone, thought about adding an emoticon, decided against it and hit SEND. It was straight and to the point, with a simple yet vague threat. Feeling pretty good about this, I sat back and waited.

Soon the wave sound rang, identifying a new text.
"No" was the response. What? I stared at the text baffled.

"What do you mean "no"? I am threatening your life if you do not show up so pull it together and meet me or you will regret it". I was typing in a confused rage. Who does she think she is? My text was the perfect amount of fear invoking motivation, how could she be so defiant?

" Look I have a mani/pedi scheduled, I have no idea who you are, and frankly Hannigan's is just not my scene".
Apparently I had underestimated my mark here. Maybe a different approach. Should I offer her candy? How about some weed? Wait why am I the thug offering to buy her things so I can scare her? This job is making the gardening gig seems pleasant. Thug -for-hire may not be my calling.

I typed. "This is not a joke. Either you show up at Hannigan's as instructed or I start with injury to your dog and work up to you. Done". I turned off my phone and headed to Hannigan's. Maybe I hit a chord with the dog comment.

I sat in the booth facing the door. I was there early and spent the time playing drums with the silverware and then killing pigs with angry birds. I turned the phone back on and saw that she did not reply. Could be a good sign. My job was dependent on this flakey chick. Tiffany just had to show. I had no other plan. In all honesty I am not tough and I really cannot enforce anything I am threatening. All I have is an intimidating appearance and what I thought was a way with texted messages.

At 4:03 she walks into the pub. Dressed in a simple pink cotton dress and ballet flats, she is carrying her cute dog and smiling as she scans the room. Not the image I had imagined. She looked sweet and vulnerable enough that I thought maybe I was being a bit too harsh. Casually, I wave her over. She gently walks up to the table and asked if I was the one who summons her from her main/pedi appointment with a threat to her dog. A voice as sweet as her smile and a whiff of flowery perfume, made me sit up straight. I think I will go easy on her so that she is not too scared. I grunt in the affirmative. She raises her arm and punches me HARD in the nose.

"Do not EVER pull that shit again". And with a smile and a wave she leaves me there bloody and humiliated. Tiffany is a she-devil in a maiden costume. She has destroyed my first assignment and chance to really make it big in the world of intimidation. Maybe she should work at Thugs-for-Hire.