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Rated: ASR · Short Story · Comedy · #1941168
Or never shop hungry!
Albertson's we can never go back

Is Abstinence the Best Policy?

Now, before you start sending your reasons why it is, let me have a moment to clarify the query from above.

You see, about thirty years ago there was a young newlywed couple. They were married merely six-months. The young man was busy in his new job working fifty-hours a week.

One day, his young wife was complaining to her mother about them not having much time together.

"It stinks mom, we spent more time together before we got married, its like he just takes me for granted," said the young woman, as she sat at her mother's kitchen table.

"I know dear, but you will get used to it, in the mean time you should look for things that you can do together," said the mother as she tried to help her daughter adjust to one of the rigors of married life.

"Right now, the only day he has off is Sunday, and that gets filled with his old school buddies coming over to watch football."

"Well there you go, make him take you to church; they are desperately seeking new young couples, and there are plenty of good men there to set a proper example for Jake.

The next Sunday Jake and Susie were in the pew second row from the front. The service was a very typical southern Baptist fire and brimstone admonishment. And as usual, the pastor's sermon ran a bit long. But that's normal, and why the Baptist never beat the Methodist to the Village Inn just down the street.

Before they were dismissed, the pastor asked if he could get some volunteers to help with their new youth ministry program. From the pew behind them, her mother's hand gave her a little nudge in the back and Susie's hand shot straight up without any delay.

As they were leaving the church, the pastor took them aside, "I want to thank you two for volunteering to try out for our youth counselors."

"Try out." Asked Jake.

"Well yes, son, you see the church preaches abstinence and we ask all our counselors' to abstain from sex for thirty-days to test their ability to be convincing to the young people they will be working with that it is the best policy." The couple agreed to the test and was off on their way.

For the next three Sundays, they sat in their pew and spoke with the pastor at the end of the service. The pastor knew they were still committed to the test because he could see how fidgety Jake was becoming. With each passing week, it was harder for Jake to sit still. A sure sign of fidelity to an experienced man of the cloth. He would congratulate them and give them encouragement for the next week. On the fourth and final week of their abstinence test, the pastor looked out to see Jake dozing in his seat. After the service, he asked them what had happened.

"Well pastor we were doing great, I mean considering that we are newlyweds and all. But yesterday afternoon, I got off early and went home. It was the first Saturday I have been off before dark in months. But everything we tried to do made me think of sex. Susie tried to do the laundry, but the sight of her leaning over to get the clothes out of the washer made me crazy."

"Oh I see," said the pastor.

"No, No we were okay, I made her stop and do something else. She started vacuuming the carpets, but then she had to bend over to pick up the newspaper I had left on the floor and again I was losing my mind.

"Oh, I understand now," said the pastor.

"No, No we were good, I kept saying just one more day, and I knew this was important to Susie, she really wants to be a part of the solution here."

The pastor's face brightened as he realized he had misjudged the young man. "Okay, so what happened next? How did you resist your desires, you can use these things as examples in your ministry."

"Oh, we remembered that we needed some stuff from the store, so we hopped in the car and ran over to the grocery store, and the distraction was working very well."

"Yes, yes, praise the lord... this is great testimony. So you made it the whole month abstaining."

Jake lowered his head before finishing his tale. "Well pastor, it's like I was saying, everything was going great until Susie started bending over the cooler to pick out some meat. And, well ... seeing her in her little short skirt and how the cold of the coolers was affecting the fit of her blouse, well it was just too much. Before I knew it, we were leaving the store at a dead run. I am sorry, but we didn't make it completely to the end of the thirty days of abstinence that you asked for."

"Oh no, that is terrible, I wish I could waive the requirement. But the deacons have set the rule in stone as hard as the tablets that Moses brought down from Mt. Sinai. I am afraid we will not be able to let you join the youth program right now."

"That's okay pastor," said Jake, as he turned heading for the door. "They aren't going to let us back into Albertson's anymore either."
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