"I see right into you"
|There is no bus journey that ever took so long. The other passengers teased me with their patience, the driver mocked me as he casually rested his hand on the steering wheel and the tail lights of the car in front seemed to wink at me knowingly. I was clutching the newspaper so tightly between my fists that my fingers creased the pages and my painted nails left black marks on the paper.
When the bus had finally pulled into my stop I could hardly contain my excitement, I took to the pavement with as much grace as a jubilant teenager could and took off at full speed for home. There was a bitter wind that bit at my fingers and pinched my nose, but still I kept running. My breath unfurled in front of me in a fog of white, yet I leapt the garden fence like an Olympian without even pausing for breath.
Mum was in the living room when I reached her. She was cross legged on the floor surrounded by squares of odd fabric and was studying them with a frustrated frown on her face when I thrust the battered paper under her nose.
‘The Golden Geese are coming to Hampshire’ the headline blared and I still believe it to be the most beautiful sentence ever to be printed in black and white.
“I have to go!” My squeal made her wince as she turned her attention back to her squares. No one understood me, no one except Nathan. Nathan Devaun the man of dreams.
Now I’m here, Portsmouth Guildhall. I have been queuing all day just for a glimpse, just to share the same physical space of the man who has been watching me sleep from a hundred eyes on every wall of my room. The room is dark and the crowd is packed in so solidly that I can feel someone’s belt buckle digging into the small of my back yet the only pain I feel is the pain of anticipation. My t shirt is soaked through with sweat, both mine and other peoples and my nose is full of the smell of whiskey and vomit but there is no sweeter feeling.
Then the music starts. A rumbling in the floorboards that makes my hair stand on end. A spotlight swings across the crowd and I’m screaming. The crowd surges and forces me against the railing, winding me but I’m still screaming. He’s coming. I can feel him, I can hear him and then I can see him.
He’s taller than I ever imagined, his long blonde hair is pulled back in a band behind his head and his eyes are searching the crowd. I know he’s looking for me. I reach forward as he starts to sing. His words break over me like a wave and my eyes fill with tears as I lose myself in the music. The people behind continue to push forward and I am being lifted off of my feet by the tide but I keep dancing, singing, crying as I get closer and closer to the man I love.
Nathan is coming my way and I am suddenly overcome with the need to run to him. I reach up and my fingers caress the leather strap of one of his black boots and all of a sudden he’s looking at me. His piercing blue eyes are starring right into mine and he’s singing just for me.
“I see right into you…” He sings and I remember nothing else.