by Alex Clare
A journal entry of thoughts circling in my head constantly.
|I know your right, I know that in a years time everything is going to change. I’ll go to Scotland and we’ll try and make it work at first but then we’ll start talking less and then we’ll end up not talking at all. We’ll go from best friends to nothing and I’m terrified of this. I know it’s stupid and I’ll probably never ever admit it to your face but a part of me believed that we’d be together forever. I know that’s crazy. You just make me so happy and I’ve fallen for you in a way that I don’t think I will for anyone else.
It’s like you’ve set the bar for every other person I’m ever going to date, I’m always going to be looking for a piece of you in them. They’ll never be good enough for me though because you’re the only one I want. So you win and I lose because for the rest of my life you will control how I feel about everyone else.
God man, I’ve wanted you since the bus journey back from Cadbury world, I wanted you when we visited Stonor house in history, since we watched inspector calls at the theatre with English. I hate that circumstances are what are pulling us apart. I always say everything happens for a reason but I wish this wasn’t happening. I hate that I love you more then you will ever love me and that everything I do reminds me of you. It’s all going to continue because it’s so fucking hard to get over you. When we fight I just break down, I can’t fight with you, it kills me inside.
I just want to go back to that day you met me by the library and started kicking puddles at me till I was soaked. Then we walked back together and you wrapped your arms around my waist and whispered you were sorry in my ear. I want all that again. I don’t want to be about to turn 18 and having to grow up and lose you. I want to stay 17 and be intoxicatingly, insanely in love with you. I want to get to see you every day like I used to. I want to get to walk around the corner of the geography block and feel the butterflies start in my tummy because I know I’ll see your face when I turn the corner. I want to go back to our first date when I choked on cola and it came through my nose and you were laughing and laughing. I want to walk through the Christmas lights with you again and go into HMV where I’ll walk into the headphone rack and they’ll all fall down. I want to have a casual dinner with you in KFC again and walk around the Eden whilst you tell me random facts and I just to get to marvel at your knowledge. I want to go back to ICT where all we did was talk and talk and talk. That time in ICT when we were doing our charity project in groups and I helped your group with your RSPCC one and you and I ended up playing two dogs in love. Remember how bad our acting was and how you teased me by pulling my waist towards you when no one was looking? I want to go back to that time in business when we kept turning each other’s computers off and you were leaning back in your chair and I grabbed the leg and you fell back. Remember how much trouble you got in and how you wouldn’t talk to me? I want to go back to having to check the girl’s bathrooms while you were on duty perfecting and you saying loudly to Alec “Shannon’s got a nice ass”. I want to go back to biology class when Lucy and I drew blue ink on the top of your pen and you put it on your tongue. Remember how hard Lucy and I laughed? I want to go back to the last day of school when we bought silly string guns in pound world and had a silly string war in the high street. I want to go back to bowling and how crap I was. I want to go back to texting all day until 2AM talking about anything and everything.
I want to go back to the start. I want us again.