A twilight parody sure to be worse that the others
| A Teen Vampire Story
Written by Cam
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 1: The Beginning...
Chapter 2: That Boy in the Parking Lot
Chapter 3: Hit by a bus
Chapter 4: My Vampire Boyfriend
Chapter 5: The Cold Hard Truth
Chapter 6: In Which We Meet The Family
Chapter 7: The Return
Chapter 8: Old Yeller
Chapter 9: Muppet Issues
Chapter 10: A choice between two evils
Chapter 10: I Chose the first one
Chapter 11: The First One's Dead Now, So I'll Go With The Second.
P.S. Please try not to judge to much, there are many spelling errors
I was in a car, driving to where I didn’t know. Actually I did know, but I wish that I didn't. I was on my way to Applesmash, a small city in the middle of Oregon. I was leaving behind my friends, my school, and my life. Not that my life was any good there anyway. My parents just didn’t get me. My hair had been died many random neon colors. I had about 13 piercings and knew in my heart (which was also pierced) that they wouldn’t make me feel any better. My name was Inga Duckfatt, but people called my Inga. I had never found my true love yet, though I dreamed fantastic dreams of romance. The only way to sustain my life force was by reading Vampire novels. It is all that has kept me going. My thoughts were interrupted when the breaks of our purple SUV were slammed upon by my uncle Andy.
Before I knew it, we had arrived at our new home in applesmash. I stepped outside into my new front yard full of broken toilet seats, dirty blankets, and discarded empty cans of applesauce. We didn’t own our own house. We had to share it with some old guy with an obsession. What the obsession was pasted clear onto the front door of his home. A string of Garlic was strung across the top of his door, and more garlic could be seen through the windows.
I approached the front door letting the sounds of my uncle struggling with the luggage leave my head. I raised my fist to knock, but withdrew. Do I dare open this door? Somehow, opining this door to me was a symbol of walking into another life, and leaving the old behind. But I did not want to leave the old behind. The house inside smelled of Sewage and Apples. Oddly enough, also the name of the perfume I was wearing. But before I got the chance to knock, Before My very knuckles touched the Garlic smelling door. A man, opened it for me. He was a kind looking old man, but with a twitch in his eye suggesting insanity. I was gestured into the house. Looking around me the first word that popped into my head was the first word the man had said. Garlic. Garlic, it was everywhere, hanging from the walls, and scattered on the floor. The room was dim and dark yet i looked at the lamp beside me and saw no light emanating from it. Closer inspection revealed the lamp to be absent of a light bulb but replaced with a head of garlic.
"Garlic." said the old man, "It is vital to our existence, much more important that it looks."
"I don’t understand.”
The man shoved a head of garlic into my hand.
"You will need this, guard it with your life, for in return it will guard yours."
Whatever that was supposed to mean, I realized that the man was also wearing a necklace of garlic.
At least I am assuming all of this is garlic, now I was beginning to question myself.
Many thoughts were racing through my mind, and most of them weren’t good ones. My heart was broken, into a million tiny pieces. The sound of my heart being broken was however interrupted by my uncle collapsing on the floor and being crushed by my 20 luggage sacks. If I’m going to start my life out, I will need plenty of clothes.
School will be starting tomorrow and I want to make a good impression.
I walked down the smelly hallway to my room and planned to shove all my stuff in my closet. When I opened the closet door however, about 50 heads of garlic fell out. I began to cry. Not because I was sad, but the garlic was getting to my eyes.
"Why does he keep so much garlic here." I mumbled to myself.
"Because of the Vampires." said my conscience.
Me being used to my conscience, I didn't seem that surprised. Then I felt a hand on my shoulders. Maybe I was Schizophrenic as well. It wouldn't surprise me. My life is already terrible. I looked up to see the old man.
"Vampires?" I repeated
"Vampires." he inquired
"Vampires?" I said again.
"Vampires." he confirmed
"Vampires?" I asked
"Well I’m glad you asked. I have been wondering for so long why there have been strange disappearances all over Applesmash. It all started years ago..."
I sat down, knowing this would take a while.
"I was in my house doing my own business. my dog was outside, also doing his business. The business we were doing is not related whatsoever." he paused and scratched himself.
"So I was in my house, when I heard a strange noise coming from my backyard. It was the sound of my dog dying."
"Wait," I interrupted,"how did you know it was the sound of your dog dying?"
He ignored and continued.
"So I walked outside and there was one o' them vampires right outside my house!"
"And it killed your dog?" I asked
"No, my dog unfortunately I forgot to feed. The vampire just stood there, didn't seem particularly interested in my house. Then he flew away, right into the moon."
I stared at him. His story intrigued me, yet I knew I couldn't be true. It was to good to be true. Vampires, in applesmash. Maybe I could finally have that vampire romance I had been waiting for.
No, that was physically impossible. Or was it....
That Boy in the Parking Lot
I was in the car for a second time, only this time, I was on my way to my new school. I was about five minutes away, but I do not feel like describing those five minutes to you because i can honestly say that absolutely nothing interesting happened in those long, agonizing minutes.
As the car screeched to a stop, I looked outside and realized that the campus was full of teens hanging out. Now was the time to make my mark. I walked out of car when my spiked boots caught in the doors. I fell over stupidly and face-planted into the mud. Then it started raining. I looked up to realize half the campus was watching. A few had out there phones. As I straitened my self out. My uncle barley called me over to the car. The window rolled down as I realized that Barley was crying.
"Inga," he sobbed, " I can't believe that garlic!"
He slammed his head on the wheel and the horn sounded, then the laughter. Then my heart died. But I looked up at all the laughing faces and saw one face, that wasn't laughing. It was a boy, he had a hood on and he was staring straight at me. It was kind of creepy. His face was pale and dark. I loved him. I loved him within my heart, without consent of speech, or even the knowing of this boy’s name, I was willing to do anything for him. Maybe that is a slight exaggeration. I put the past behind me as I walked over to introduce myself.
"Hey." I said, "My names Inga."
He didn't answer, only stared. His face was like carved ivory, unmoving and expressionless. His eyes were a deep dark red. It seemed very unlikely that those were a natural color. Maybe he was just one of those freak guys who was into colored contacts or something, but that didn’t feel right either. I stared into his deep dark eyes and i saw someone who wasn't understood. He was wearing a hoodie suggesting he doesn't care about anything, and as I still looked into those gorgeous eyes, I saw myself.
Though this is meant to be poetically speaking that I saw myself in him, but I was actually looking at my own reflection in his eyes. I noticed there were a couple strings of hair sticking up at odd angles. I licked my hand and straitened them out. I then realized I had something in my teeth. As I struggled to get it out, he looked at me funny.
"Just a second!" I snapped.
I was nowhere finished cleaning myself up. I popped a zit, applied eyeliner to my face, and finally dug that thing out of my tooth before he spoke again.
"Inga..." he said
I stopped, realizing I had gone a bit to far.
"Your shoe's untied."
I looked down at my shoe to see a perfect bow. Shoe-tying was always something I took pride in, my shoes were never untied. I looked up and saw the boy running away as fast as he could. That was when the bus hit me.
Hit By a Bus
It's funny the way that life works out. For most it's quite simple really. But for me, five seconds ago, I was watching the love of my life run away from me, and now I am in a bed, in a small room. I haven't opened my eyes yet. What is the point of even opening your eyes if you know that your love doesn't love you back? I already knew that my uncle was in the room, because off the unyielding wheeze. That boy in the parking lot was there as well, though he didn't make any noise at all. I still knew he was there however. In fact, he seemed to draw sound into him, like a sponge. No wait, I thought, that didn't sound cool. Like a void, yeah that's better. This wasn't going to get any better, my situation. Medically I wasn't feeling all to bad. I opened my eyes, only just enough. I could see that my uncle was indeed in the room, as I had predicted. So was the boy, who was leaning up against a wall, with his hood covering his face, and slumping, though not enough to look lazy, but to look a dash rebellious. I also saw an IV drip attached to my arm. it was most likely some sort of drug, which explained why the boy was a unicorn.
"Yes." he answered
"Well you got run over by a bus sweetheart."
"Shouldn’t I be dead then?"
"Well you would have been if this boy hadn’t have saved you."
The boy stood up at being acknowledged.
"Hello Inga, I stopped the bus."
"But you were like twenty feet away running from the bus, how could you have gotten there so quickly?
"Oh yes... that’s why I was running." he paused and looked out the window for a long while before continuing.
"Well I saw the bus coming towards you and I just jumped right in front of it."
I looked at him only to find that there was not a scratch on that boy. Then I looked down at myself. Nothing. No bruises, no cuts, no scars, no anything. It just now occured to me how long I must have been out.
"Were you watching me sleep?"
"Technically, you were in a coma."
I looked at him again, at the sudden realization, the first question I should have asked.
"I am unhurt, why am I here at all?"
"You passed out when you saw the big, scary bus."
"So can I go home then?”
"I guess so Inga."
So that’s exactly what I did. On the way home in the car I started thinking about his hotness. He had saved my life and he wasn’t cut or anything. Wouldn’t the doctors have been confused? How could he have gotten away with something like that?
"Guy?" I asked?
"Yes." said the guy.
"What is your name?"
I did a double take. He didn’t look like an Ed at all. I thought his name would be something along the lines of Phoenix or Rider... I don’t know? All the sudden my fantasies were pulled back to reality. This was a boy in a hoodie named Ed who had been watching me while I slept and had red eyes. Why was I the only one who thought that was weird? I got out of the car realizing I was back home. Time to go back to my boring life at the house of garlic.
"So would you like to come inside?" I asked him
He looked at the house and wrinkled his nose.
"Nah I’m good."
He looked into my eyes and opened his mouth again.
"Inga, there is something I have to tell you."
He paused and I felt the moment of suspense bubble up inside of me like a can of sprite just previously shaken by a five year old vigorously and is about to be opened by the truth. Something I knew to be inevitable. Something I had known for a very long time.
"Come with me."
I followed, very much interested.
We kept on walking, for miles it seemed, until we reached the bottom of a nearby hill, shaded by trees.
"We need to go up there Inga."
He gestured to the hill, but I looked at my boots in dismay.
"These boots I don’t think can make the trip," I said," but you can carry me."
I hopped up on his back and his knees started to wobble. I then realized I was fat.
"Oh maybe this isn’t such a good idea." I started
"No," said Ed,"For I am strong."
About an hour later we finally reached the top of the hill. Ed was panting until finally his knees gave way and I was sitting on his back waiting for him to get up. I got off of him carefully and waited. He took awhile to catch his breath, maybe like thirty minutes or so. I got out my phone and started to play fruitninja.
"Inga." He shouted.
"What?" I said
"There is something I need to show you."
"You already said that." I said not looking up from the screen.
A patch of light shone through the branches of the trees. Ed straitened his back and turned toward the light.
"You might want to see this."
I looked up from my game just in time to see him walk strait into the light and burst into flames.
My Vampire Boyfriend
Ed walked out of the light and the fire went away.
"Do you have anything else to say to me?" I asked him
"Ouch." he said
That was when he flopped down to the ground. As I carried him down from the hill I began to wonder, did we have any future together? He was a creature of the dark, and I from the light. His cold, dead unbeating heart showed no affection for me. But our souls are alike, though it is impossible to see the life that will ever be. I slept during the night and he the day, for in the night he did the unthinkable.
Who was I kidding? I had a vampire boyfriend! Though just because of that incident, I suppose I am not to immediately assume that he was a vampire. At the thought of this I tripped on a squirrel and we both went tumbling down the hill together. We reached the bottom before we stopped. It was a good thing I had Ed to break my fall. The last bit of daylight was diminishing and night was coming fast. The stars began to come out like little bursts of light shining through the pudding colored sky.
"Ed?" I asked
He didn’t wake up. I was beginning to wonder if he was dead. I leaned in close to check his pulse. I heard nothing. Freaking out, I began to preform CPR.
"What are you doing?” Shouted Ed
"ED! Your alive!"
"Of course I'm not, I’m dead remember?"
The fact that he was a vampire just completely slipped my mind. He didn’t have a heart beat anyway so what I did was totally pointless. Except for that I got to kiss him. The only downside was that his lips tasted like dead animals.
The Cold, Hard Truth
As he walked me home through the night I began to see the world differently, shadows in the corners, whispers of the wind, a crack sounding like someone stepping on a stick. I whipped around and swore I saw a pair of great big red eyes with a dash of eyeliner pop open and fade behind a shrub.
"What was that?" I asked Ed
"Just keep walking."
So we did. As we walked farther and farther away, I tried asking again.
"Your being noticed Inga," He said rather darkly and mysteriously," The others are noticing you"
"The other what?"
"Vampires of course."
"Aren’t they all good, like you Ed?"
We continued to walk.
"See I’m a-wha cha call a vegetarian. Meaning I don't Kill people, only animals."
"Isn’t not killing animals the exact definition of being a vegetarian?"
"Not when it comes to Vampires, We call those vegan vampires."
"What happens to them?"
"They starve to death."
"I thought they were already dead?"
"Will you not."
The sound of our footsteps echoing on the pavement was much more awkward. As we reached our house I saw a man in a cloak walk in. No one was there as far as I knew except for the old man; Uncle barley was out shopping for some fir-breeze. I could tell he was a vampire just by looking at him. He was wearing a cloak with a highly raised collar. Otherwise known as how I think a vampire would look if I saw one compared to Ed More modern Jeans and hoodie. I motioned Ed to follow only he was already at the window.
"Are you slow or something?"
He shout-whispered. I jogged on over and peeked my head over one of the windows to see. I saw the old man backed into a corner, hiding. Obviously he wasn’t hiding very well because, I could see his foot sticking out. The vampire swooped in noiselessly. The old man began breathing rapidly, probably afraid that he was going to be killed. Something told me the Vampire already knew where he was, but he moved slowly and creepily anyway, probably to just get some fun out of it.
"Hey." Said the vampire.
He turned his head slightly, still not looking in our direction revealing his face. It was rather pale, but he had the stereotypical slicked back hair and some ridiculous eyeliner on. It was not what I was expecting, ill give him that.
"You might as well just come out, I can see you."
"No you can't!" shouted the old man.
"I can see your foot."
"Oh." His foot withdrew and he came out slowly with his hands up.
"That isn’t going to help you."
"No said the old man," looking away and smiling to himself, "but this will."
He reached into his pocket and grabbed a head of garlic and held it out like a grenade. The vampire backed away and sniffed the air thoughtfully.
"Stay back!" Shouted the old man, “I have garlic."
The vampire pretended to look frightened for a few seconds then began laughing. He laughed long and hard, probably for about 3 minutes. A few times he almost stopped laughing only he would turn around and see the garlic and start laughing again. The old man threw the garlic at the vampire. Suddenly his hand seemed to appear at side with the garlic in it.
"This is an onion."
He gasped as he realized the truth. He shrank back into the corner looking around him every which way. Hanging from the walls, strings of onions. Onions onions everywhere. I reached out into my pocket and pulled out what the old man gave me on his last day to confirm it. It was indeed, just like everything else, and onion. This was the truth. The old man looked down in despair at his necklace of onions before....
I turned around and slid my back against the wood frame of my house in the shock and horror of what I had witnessed. I looked to my side only to find Ed motionless.
"We need to go... like now."
"Yeah uh huh..." replied Ed
"Where do we go?"
In Which We Meet The Family
Something inside me said it wasn’t the best idea to go into a vampire’s house, but my house technically already had a vampire in it, so this was my best bet. I looked to my side again, only to find he had already left. By the time I had checked the phonebooks, called his mother, and googled his address, It was already midnight. I rang the doorbell nervously. His mother answered the door. She was a ghostly pale woman, not scary, just odd looking.
"You must be Inga, wont you come in?"
I smiled and walked inside, wondering what I had gotten myself into. I found Ed inside, on the couch, watching TV. He didn't blink. He looked up and finally seemed to notice me
"Oh Inga hi."
"You abandoned me!"
Ed looked away a bit shamefully.
"I thought you were following me."
"What are you doing?"
'Watching Buffy the vampire slayer."
"The movie or show?"
"How long have you been here?"
"Then why does it say 89% watched, those episodes are hours long."
Ed didn't look at me. He had become distracted and was now biting his nails.
I paused thinking of what to say.
"I want to meet your family."
He turned around and gave me a wondering face.
“Are you sure about that?”
“No your not.”
“But I am.”
He paused thinking of what to say next.
"Hey are you kids having a fight?" said Ed's mother as she walked in."
"Nothing Mother." Said Ed
"Oh you silly love birds, already acting like a married couple." Said his mother.
"EDDIES GOT A GIRLFRIEND!" said a childish mocking sort of voice. A small boy popped out from behind the loveseat holding a pair of binoculars. He pulled them back, though oddly enough, he already was wearing 3D glasses. I couldn’t tell if he was a vampire as well because right now, one eye looked red and the other blue. Either way it was bizarre.
"Hey, my name is Sam, wanna see my calculator?"
"What?" i said confused.
"Just say no." said Ed.
He then grabbed me briskly by the arm and led me to the dinner table, where I could see that his parents were attempting to make food. The entire family was finally gathered around, with me at the end. I noticed that there was an empty chair. At this thought, a girl slammed the door near by and seemed to float along by and took the chair. No one was eating. I thought it was only polite however to eat what they gave me. I looked down in despair at my small, microwaveable bowl of velveeta macaroni and cheese. The fact that they were vampires was no excuse.
"Um, you know I’m actually not that hungry."
"WHAT!" screamed the father, who stood up abruptly scooting the table approximately 5 inches to the left, "It took me hours to make that.”
The little pale undead girl began to cry. The mother then cradled her in her arms like a baby and shot me an evil look.
"Thankfully I have this."
The father then pulled out a chainsaw and gave it a couple of tugs. VRRM VRRRRMMM. I screamed in terror. Just to emphasize how terrified I was at this chainsaw, I kept screaming, even as he began to walk slowly towards me. Ed pushed me out of the way.
"We need to leave, its not safe here."
"WAAAAHHH." I replied
Gone with the sounds of chainsaw and wind now rushing past my face. I was being tugged somewhere else. It was hard to tell where we were going because it was so dark. Finally I realized that he was leading me to the middle of a parking lot.
"Ed," said I, "Why are we in the middle of a parking lot.
"We should be safe here.” said Ed.
I thought it best not to argue at this point. After al he was a vampire, he should know what he is doing. So I lied down on the concrete and tried to become comfortable without success. The last thing I remember seeing before I fell asleep was a small yellow dog, staring straight at me.
The morning was silent. Not a bird was in the sky, though there was a large amount of dead birds scattered in an unorderly fashion all around the parking lot. Also, Ed was not there, which oddly enough came to no surprise to me. I stood up, moving quickly to the grass before the concrete got too hot. Not too far away on the ground was the golden retriever I had seen earlier. It was chewing on a sparrow, and didn't seem to notice me. Then it looked up. Before Ii could grab its collar, it shot in the other direction.
The yellow of his fur was really quite beautiful. The yellow tones reminded me of a school bus. Then I remembered the purple SUV vehicle that we owned. I always used to sit in there and scratch the yellow paint off of the caution sticker. This thought brought me back to school busses. An SUV was considered a bus I think. My Uncle Used to drive that car on occasions. I stopped dead, realizing the horror of what I had just witnessed. My Uncle was nowhere to be found.
I ran back to the house of garlic onion as fast as I possibly could, only to find it unchanged. No police cars were outside, no vampires were swooping around the house. I walked in slowly, only to find that many of the onions had been removed. My uncle barley was sitting in a chair near the coffee table reading the paper. He looked up as I noisily cleared my throat.
"Oh hey Inga!" He said brightly, "Sleep well?"
"Err." I responded. The thought of it all. He thought I was asleep in my room the entire time. Who knew? He didn't bother to check on me, didn't say goodnight. He didn't even know I was gone. I was crushed. I was morally wounded. My self- image was significantly decreased to that of a cow.
"Didn't you ever wonder where the old man was?"
"What old man?" he replied, while at the same time, raising his voice at the end at an attempt of turning that statement into a question.
"The one who owns this house." I stated.
"Doesn't ring a bell."
"He wore an onion on his head?"
"Inga, if that man had stepped foot into this house, you'd think I would remember that wouldn't you?"
I pondered this, immediately thinking something was wrong.
I later found out that I was just my uncle’s short-term memory loss. But at the time, I was panicked don't get me wrong. I was not panicked enough however to do anything about it. So I slumped down against the wall, now missing my Vampire more than ever. I decided to ask help of my uncle.
"Barley?" I asked.
"If there was a boy, who you think liked you, and you loved him with all you're heart would you go after him?"
"Well I’m not a teenage girl so I don't exactly think that's a valid question-"
"But what if he's a Vampire or something." I said completely ignoring what he had said.
"But what if?"
"Hmm..." he hmmed, I’m gonna have tuh think about that one."
He then trudged along to the restroom and I knew that he was not coming out for a while. I thought to myself, there is really only one answer to this. I was to go after him, no matter how many times he abandoned, put-down, or insults me. The more he hated the more I LOVED It. But this was before I had a choice, for a most terrible choice I was to make. Because a new character will now come in to play, someone who should never have intervened with my life
Chapter 7, Flowers For Inga
I heard a knock on my door just then, after I had decided on my life's ambition. Only when I opened it, a boy was there, who was not wearing a shirt. Wow, the nerve of some people. Me just having decided on my eternal love for Ed, now looking at another gorgeous guy standing at my doorstep. He was holding flowers.
"Hello!" He said, “I heard that we had a new neighbor coming in, so I brought you some flowers."
"Oh, thanks." I said, taking the flowers, feeling rather suspicious.
"Oh I don’t know, just thought you might... want some flowers or something." he scratched his head thoughtfully as if realizing how weird what he was doing was.
"So." I said with no tone at all. So was my safe word. So could mean anything.
"Bye then!" he said brightly, then promptly slamming the door behind him.
Then I realized, I didn’t even know his name and he just bought me flowers. I sniffed them. They smelled like urine. What is the meaning of this???.
I dropped then immediately, stomped on them a few times, and sprayed them with some bleach. Now the house smells like bleach and urine. Perfect.
This aroused a sense of curiosity in my being. I wish that choices were easier to make. I thought immediately of looking for Ed. I decided to call his mother again. When I called, her line was busy, then busy again. I didn't know at the time but she was calling me at the exact same time to ask the exact same question. Where was Ed?
I set off walking angrily down the street, forgetting I had school today, heading in a random direction to find my true love. What exciting things would I encounter? I smacked into a pole. This was the night I had lost my mind. Weeks gone by and my dearest Edward has not presented himself to me.
I wonder if he is watching me I would think, only to remember that I would have noticed by now if he was. My life grew more and more insignificant as I tried so hard to carry on. I had no reason to live; no one who loved me, as I constantly reminded my uncle who always responded, "So what does that make me, chopped liver?" I have died my hair already seven times since Edward left to accommodate my constantly changing personality. I am now on the edge of a cliff currently writing my last goodbyes. Not that anyone would bother to read it. My diary contained woeful fantasies of vampires and stuff...... Goodbye world I wrote as I readied myself for suicidal death.
"wait!" Said a voice behind me.
I turned around, it was Ed.
"I didn't think you were going to commit suicide!"
"Well its all your fault!"
"How is it my fault!"
I looked closely at what he was wearing. A brightly colored shirt now replaced his hoodie. A hat blocking out the sun. Micky mouse ears were on top of his hat, and he was holding a single stick of cotton candy.
"You went... to Disneyland!"
"I can explain."
"NO YOU CANT!"
"no I cant..." he said
I stared into his eyes, his cold unloving eyes, realizing that he had betrayed me. His love was no more to me now that a corn kernel stuck to the bottom of my shoe, wrapped in a piece of gum, chewed by an old man who had never brushed his teeth in his life. So why do I still love him.
I jumped on him planning to give a big hug, obviously he wasn't expecting it because he lurched away leaving me to fall on the ground stupidly.
"Didn't you ever wonder why I ran away in the first place?"
That thought never really crossed my mind.
"Well, It was because I don't love you anymore."
My expression didn't change. My face still held an awkward smile, unblinking, covered in dirt and small rock particles. My Heart Imploded. Then I died. This is not to be taken literally because I did not really die, but I had lost the will to live. I began rocking back and forth holding my breath. Maybe If I did this long enough, he would love me again. It wasn't working. He only watched me coldly. Why oh why did he chose Disneyland over me!" I was much better. Though I had plenty of time to think, I pondered if I wanted to run away from a boy I didn't like, where would I go. Disneyland was all that came to mind. I kicked the dust off the ground and began to choke on dust.
You would think that by this point in the story. I would have given up on my dearest Ed, but nope. I had already decided what I would do with my life. Even if it meant ignoring him and not telling anyone that we broke up.
"So then where are you going to go now?" I asked looking at the ground.
"Probably Disneyland again."
"Of course." I replied
I was still trying to recover from the news he had only just delivered. I remembered how some people didn't sob when given terrible news. The shock was so much that they didn't shed a single tear. Maybe I was one of those people. No wait here it comes. I opened my mouth and began to wail.
"Alright, I'm leaving now."
And I never saw him again... nope! just kidding. But for now he was long gone. I slumped against a rock and continued to cry. I know the only reason Ed came back was to stop me from jumping. So maybe if I jumped again, he would come again. Of course I never did jump. I shakily stood on the edge once more. There was no sound.
"I'M GONNA JUMP!" I shouted into the woods. No one came. maybe I actually had to jump off the edge for him to save me. Pondering this, I stooped over just a bit, recalculating whether I should jump. My calculations complete, I ran away screaming from the edge like a little girl. Where was I running? It seemed at the moment that I was running towards my house, only I didn't want to go back. I stopped and rest in the moment I also realized that I was not being chased by anyone.
What was I do to? Maybe I could move on? Maybe I should find someone else? But I was heartbroken from my breakup with Ed, maybe I wasn't ready for another boy in my life. Nope, I was. Then I remembered.
That boy who brought me flowers, that was obviously some sort of a pickup line. It was quite possible that he was trying to say something to me. So I set off towards that boys house. You would most likely wonder how I knew how to get to his house. The answer was simple. I could feel it. Once I had finally reached his house. I knocked on the door ferociously, eager to meet my newest tribute. A gray-haired woman answered the door.
"Oh! You must be here for Jake!" she exclaimed.
"Well..." she began to sweat ,"Just give him some time to get read-"
"NO TIME FOR THAT LET ME IN!"
I stalked through the doo and began to search for the boy I now knew as Jake frantically. I heard loud sobbing coming from the basement.
Curious, I quietly tiptoed down the stairs and knocked. No one answered except for a large sob. I burst through the door.
Jake was there on a couch eating a tub of bluebell ice-cream watching old yeller and crying. Tears were streaming down his face.
"NO! NO! NO!" He screamed repeatedly
I watched in terror as he fell apart in front of the screen.
"It's ok Travis," the lady on the screen was saying ,"He was only just a dog."
"NO, THAT'S RACIST!"
He threw a pillow at the television.
"Jake?" I asked quietly.
He whipped around and eyed me suspiciously.
"What? Oh I was just..." He paused thinking of what to say. Then the look in his eye became blank and hazy, like he had just forgotten what he was doing.
"Why hello there Inga!" He decided to say finally. I was quite glad he started with a different approach because his previous was definably not as sophisticated
"Why hello there Jake." I answered back. For a long period of time nothing was said. Jake reached for his remote and paused Old Yeller.
"Why were you watching such a depressing movie Jake?"
He paused. Maybe I needed a different approach.
"Come on honey, lets get you cleaned up."
I removed the Ice cream bucket from in between his legs, revealing that he didn't have any pants on at the moment.
"Put some pants on."
And he did.
I decided it might be a good idea to start fresh, somewhere that didn't involve old yeller and ice cream.
"So..." I said ,"Do you wanna... Watch a movie or something."
Jake nodded vigorously. I had the feeling that he would have done so regardless of what I had just said.
"Does it matter?"
Jake smiled showing all his teeth and slowly began to drool. This was only too easy. So we set off together down the sidewalk to find love together in this twisted world full of hate and apparently vampires. Though I was completely certain that Jake wasn't one. So as we were skipping I realized that Jake was making some funny noises.
"Jake what is it?"
"I have to pee."
He sure did speak his mind.
"Were almost there can't you just hold it?"
That was probably the first time I had heard that word directed at me. I told him to do it behind a tree. I wondered to myself why he didn't just wait, but I didn't complain too much, in fact, he seemed to be done in seconds. Caught up in my silly fantasies, Never did it occur to me it was weird he stopped and did this 5 more times before we got to the theater.
In entering though, in was disappointed they were not any romantic tragedies. All there was were romantic comedies and a Muppets movie. Jake practically begged me to see the Muppets movie and finally, I just gave in!
In the theater, everything was paradise! Jake kept on laughing at almost any word spoken in the movie and I would laugh too. not because it was funny, but I wanted to make him happy. I had never made anyone happy before.
Jake held the bucket of popcorn high and let it dump into his mouth. I noticed that others in the theater weren't quite as happy as we were, but I knew in my heart that this is probably how normal couples acted at a theater.
But what I didn't see at the time was a shadowy figure in the back of the room full of angry parents. A figure tall and slender, with mickey mouse ears on top. Ed's red eyes glowed in jealousy and hatred as he watch Jake shove pop corn into my mouth. His pale hands began to rub together maniacally as he stared unblinking at the two of us.
If I had in fact seen him, I probably would have been happy I had caused him misery, but I remained oblivious like always.
I still am.
Who are you?
What am I?
What's a Muppet?
TO BE CONTINUED
Pease comment on its stereotypical terribleness