This is my journey through one of the most dangerous worlds, and that is cutting.
| Usually all of my short stories are non fiction, and about my boyfriend... but this time, since it was more recent, I thought that I would write about cutting. I was, yes, was a cutter. I had things going on in my life that made me absolutely miserable.
My "father" left me and my mom when I was very young, I wasn't even old enough to walk. He cheated on my mom so many times it's not even funny. So they got a divorce. Just recently he sent flowers to my school for my birthday back in February. I read the little note on it that said
" Hope we can share a B-Day with you soon! Love Dad, and all the rest of us :)" On the back it read, " I'm sorry for being an unacceptable father to you and that it had taken me this long to grow up but we are here waiting for you when you are ready. If you need us for anything: (717) ***-****." As I was reading this I was bawling, I was anxious to see what my mother was going to say when I came home to show her what my "daddy" brought for me, I was angry, so very angry. I kept thinking, "Why now?! Why after 13 years do you decide to screw up my life now?! After I have a perfectly amazing day, you do something stupid to mess it up!" Dorian had never seen me cry, and I was trying to keep it that way, but it didn't work. Being the sweetheart that he is, he called me that day to see how I was, and to see how everyone was dealing with it.
Of course I was curious, so, that following Saturday, the day after my birthday, and the day of my magnificent surprise birthday party, we made contact. Then Sunday he came over to meet me. He was talking about how much he wanted to get to know me and all these fun things we were gonna do. After that, I called HIM and we talked only for a couple minutes. I have not spoken to him since then, nor has he tried to make contact with me, so I suppose we're done.
After a couple of months, this began to really bug me, and it made me so stressed out, and depressed that it felt like my only option but to hurt myself. How I thought of it was, "Well, at least the pain from these cuts will cover up the pain I feel inside." So, I cut myself, not deep but I did. Ever since then, I have cut about 6 or 7 different times, and the most recent time, it bled, and there will be a scar. There was a lot more that was bugging me through that time period, but most of it, I'm afraid I cannot share with you all.
I have realized that cutting isn't the answer. Just have faith. Before you attempt to cut, think. One: Is the matter really that bad? Two:How else could I solve it? Three: Look at these clean, un-scarred wrists, do I really want to mess up perfectly great wrists for something so childish? Four: What would happen if my parents/guardians found out? Five: Why would I want to scar the body that the good lord gave me?
I hadn't thought these through and now I carry these awful scars, and memories on why I did it, with me everywhere I go. I made promises to the people who are near and dear to me that I wouldn't do it again. Don't hurt yourself in any way shape or form. If you think that nobody cares about you, so it wouldn't matter anyway, know, I care for you. I really do. I'm the type of person who can share whatever is on my mind, so I tell the truth. When I say I care for you, I mean it. You may think, "Well maybe if I just scratch myself with these scissors..." No don't do that. Then you will be "addicted" and just keep cutting deeper and deeper. Take it from me, that's how I got started. Don't do it. Don't scratch, Don't cut, Don't burn yourself, Don't injure yourself (i.e breaking something, spraining something on purpose) Please Please Please. I understand that there are people out there that went through and/or are going through a lot more than I have, but trust me it's just not worth it.