A satiric item about a futuristic owners manual.
|Hello and Thank You For Purchasing...
INSTRUCTION MANUAL X9000B-21-D-300 Printing date: 10/27/2246
Hello and thank you for purchasing our... X9,000 series Female Android Domestic Companion.
We hope you will be pleased with our product. Be sure and fill out the license and registration card, which must be returned by 12/15/2246.
Your new X9,000 female is a state of the art android, custom built to your specifications. Be sure and verify these specifications below before taking any further action.
You have chosen:
Ethnicity: Puerto Rican Skin Color: Light brown Eye color: Dark brown Hair color: Chocolate brown Height: 5' 4"
Body type: Fit / Athletic Personality profile: Bright and adventurous, eager to please, adaptable, affectionate, funny and articulate.
With your new series X9,000 female, you will experience all of the wonderful feminine traits that you would observe with a human female companion, but without the typical mood swings and yearly deterioration process. The other great advantage to this model is the off and on switch located at the top of the remote unit.
The X9,000 unit's remote control also has a body temperature adjustment feature which we are sure you will enjoy. No more cold feet to chill you when you go to bed at night. In fact, your companion has 10 different temperature control zones, from the head down.
Your companion has been designed to extract moisture from the environment which will enable it to develop saliva. This can also be achieved by bathing or showering with your unit. Your remote has 10 different saliva flavoring settings for your enjoyment:
Cherry Delight, Mocha Magic, Peppermint Passion, Vanilla Vixen, Scintillating Citrus, Sexy Strawberry, Peanut Butter Picnic, Lemon Meringue Mayhem, and Cookie Dough Dominatrix.
Another great feature of the X9,000 companion is the ability to change her body statistics. You can easily change her bra size or hip dimensions with a feature located on the units remote control.
Your X9,000 companion also has thousands of available (pre-programmed) apps to choose from which will enable her to complete almost any task, such as: Massage therapy, Cooking and baking, Art, Writing, Entertaining, Flirtation, Computer repair, auto mechanics, marksmanship, and much much more... You can purchase these apps at www.x9000female.com
You will find that your X9,000 companion needs very little care. Her battery life should last approximately 20 years, depending on much you use her. Don't worry, your unit will retain all of her memories even if her battery runs out.
Cleaning: Simply give her a good scrubbing in the shower or bathtub at least once a month with dish washing liquid, or you may purchase a 100 sanitary wipe cleaning pack from our website. Rubbing alcohol may be used for "hard to reach" areas.
If for any reason your companion should malfunction, you can easily crate her for a return shipment, since she weighs less than 50 lbs.
Our advice is to interact with your new companion for a few days before naming her, since she does have her own personality. When you do name her, you should list her name on the product registration card before returning it. The card already has her serial number pre-printed on it, but her name should also be placed in our data base in case of an emergency and you will need to register her at the nearest Android Citizenship Department in your area, (for tax purposes).
You may contact our Technical Support Department at: (530) 722-3764 Monday thru Saturday 9am to 10pm Eastern time.
Already, thousands of men have reported positive feedback about our X9,000 units. Here are a few recent reviews:
"It's so nice owning my companion android, Cindy. We never argue, and I save a ton of money on food and other things that my ex wife always needed, like makeup, and other feminine products". James Campbel Kingston Town, Jamaica
"I can't tell you how great it is having a partner that likes to watch all of the same TV shows that I do. Especially football!"
Ben Foster Syracruse, NY
"I love taking my sexy android out on the town. All of the guys are so jealous because Monique treats me like a king. She understands my needs so much better than my human partner did and she's awesome in the sack!"
Frederic Densmore Eugene, OR.
"It's great being able to program your partner! I love that she has such a huge amount of memory. I suggest that every owner make memory backups at least once a week, because my unit lost all of her memory once from a big electromagnet at the hospital. It took me two days to explain the two year past that we had together."
Dominick Henry, Newtown, OH.
"It's sooo totally cool man that Stacy goes surfing with me! The surfing app cost me a few hundred bucks but it's been totally worth it! Dudes, Stacy is so narley on the board, and she can never drown! Everybody should buy a droid, man!"
Wave Pusher South Beach, CA.
Disclaimer: Any mechanical adjustment made to an X9,000 Unit, by anyone other than a certified ACME Incorporated technician, will render the warranty null and void. ACME Incorporated cannot guarantee any unit which has been subject to mistreatment. See article # M-38576 THEEND.