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Rated: 13+ · Monologue · Activity · #1962927
A day in the life of a germ.
I'm a Bad Germ

Mommy and daddy raised me to be a bad germ.  My criminal ways started when I was only two seconds old.  I floated in a sneeze cloud into this lady's coffee drink...I think it was a Starbucks latte. I met this cute little germ girl in the cup, and we had 27 babies before the lady could even take another drink.  In a couple of seconds, all of our kids were full grown and had already started having kids of their own. Three hundred and sixty nine to be exact, before the lady's next sip, 20 seconds later.

I told the whole bunch that the swim was over and it was time to go.  Have you ever had close to 400 kids all hopped up on Starbucks coffee before?  What a nightmare.  They were all bouncing off the walls of her throat when we finally made our descent. 

We made our way into her bloodstream, via her digestive tract, while the kids were making an even bigger family, but before we left, we caused that lady one heck of a gut ache.  We all had to put our gas masks on.  It sounded like a trumpet quartet that played way out of tune, when she finally "let one loose."  Talk about whale songs! 

Then, in the blood stream, all of the kids got to attend germ school.  The classes offered were Halitosis 101: (bad breath), Apocrine 101: (body odor production), and Sinus irritation 101.  Then there were the required courses like Antibiotic resistance 101.

I was so proud of our kids, grand kids, and great grand kids, who unanimously decided to make Pyorrhea gum disease their specialty, except for little Germain, who enjoyed hanging out with the really bad kids under the toenails, and Gretta, an artist in the family, who liked creating pimple formations.  She loved to recreate star charts and zodiac images.

Only a few things to have to worry about as a germ...the largest being the Leucocyte Police Force (white blood cells).  It's pretty tough when you have to put up with a bunch of "shoot on sight" officers.  That's why we have to get out of the bloodstream fast.

Then, we have to put up with mouthwashes and alcohol.  I've seen hundreds of thousands of germs wiped out by them at one time.  Every single germ hates Listerine...even the minty flavored.  As far as we're concerned, that's a chemical of mass destruction.

We also hate cold beverages.  Most people don't know that we can die just from being contacted by an icy cold drink.  Anything cold that touches the teeth and gums long enough will freeze us to death.  That's why we love people who drink with straws.  God forbid someone to swish their teeth and gums with ice water.  We also hate Vitamin C and Hydrogen peroxide, which kill us off as well.

Anyway, our host is off to bed now after a full day of germ warfare.  Tonight, we will have 17 million babies while she is sleeping.  When the lady wakes up in the morning, she will have a runny nose and puffy eyes, which we will have fun turning quite red and swollen.  She will talk funny, call off of work, and take a bunch of over the counter medications that won't help her at all. 

Sooner or later she'll remember that mysterious remedy called "Hot Chicken Soup", which seems to hypnotize all of us long enough for her to take a nap, during which the Leucocyte Police force will send out another 50,000 troops to hunt us all down.

After suffering for 5 days, she will go to her Dr. because we started having parties in her lungs.  He will prescribe antibiotics for her. which will wipe us all out in 10 days.....................THE END.

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