Just some thoughts and feelings...
I lost her and I felt empty inside. Emptiness is one of the worst feelings a human can have. We’re like a bag that way. A bag doesn’t have a purpose when it’s empty either. It’s just cast aside, just hanging there without a purpose, collecting dust. And it’s a very diabolical, it comes only when you are alone, with yourself and with your thoughts. It sneaks up on you and bam! You are sitting there, wondering if you could’ve prepared yourself better for this… soul-shattering feeling.
But how do we know if we lost somebody? How do we know we had somebody in the first place? It’s not a thing that you feel is yours. How do you know if you are being had even?
Parents have children. I have parents, but that’s a given. One they I just realized that I exist and there they were. And I always felt my own man, not somebodies possession. Guess they just think they have me. Once I said that to my dad and he just smiled and said “You’ll see”.
Lovers have each other. But I never felt any of my lovers to be mine to do with them what I please. If anything, they usually couldn’t get away from me fast enough after we made love and as a matter of fact, most of the times it was like that with me too. Maybe it’s not true love then? It can’t be.
Well… Guess one indicator that you had someone is feeling empty after you’ve already lost them. But then you’re just late to the party, you never even knew what you had. Like a child not appreciating anything that it’s given, because it can’t tell its value. She is kind of like that. She always told me months later that she appreciates something that I’ve done for her. I never minded…
I knew what I had the first time I put my arms around her. That’s the first time I realized what is to have someone. Just to be glad and happy because they are in your life. You feel like you have a purpose in life just if they’re standing near you or smiling at you or even doing nothing with you. It is to feel as if it is the most meaningful thing in the world to be in the same room with them, to feel that someone matters to you more than you do to yourself sometimes. And when they are gone, every room, no matter how many people are there in it feels empty. Without them everything else just isn’t that meaningful either. But did she feel it too? Does she feel sad and empty now or anything at all? She has to.
I wonder if it’s ok to hope that she feels just a little bit sad. To miss me just a little bit. But she probably isn’t. She broke it off in the first place, why would she? Maybe she’ll do that months-after thing again and call to tell me. But I won’t care… probably.