This is the first draft of my monologue.
Okay I have a secret. You’re the only one I can tell. Anyone else would judge me, but I know you won’t. Well, you might judge me, but not as harshly as anyone else. At least, I don't think you will. I mean when you think about it, when you think about all I've been through, it really isn't that bad. Okay, it's kind of bad, but try to be open minded.
You know how badly Joseph treated me. I know you know that. After everything I did for him the whole first year we were together, and then he could hurt me like that? I didn't deserve that. Everyone told me I deserved better than that. And I agree. I know they weren't just saying that. They wouldn't have said it if they didn't mean it.
And I admit I should have handled it better, but I was young. I was really young. I don't think people realize how young I was! So I didn't know how to handle myself and how to handle that kind of...hurt. I was just really confused and betrayed, and I wasn't thinking clearly. I know I seemed normal, but really, I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't!
And we have been best friends for a long time, right? And you told me that no matter what happened, you would always have my back. Remember? And I said the same. And I have! You’ve done some things that you shouldn't have, and I've had your back. Well, you've done at least something wrong, and I’ve… well I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but I’m sure it's happened. Okay I don't know, but the point is I need you right now. I need you to keep your word and have my back.
I mean not that I'm asking you. I know you never ask me for anything. And I'm not.. but you understand, don't you? I mean he was cheating on me with my own sisters...both of them! and he went to great lengths to make me think that I was insane for suspecting anything.
I just, I mean, you know I was the victim, right? Because that was low. That was a low blow, and no one would have handled it well. I mean you wouldn't have handled it well, would you?
I mean you even saw the way he would unbutton his pants when he ate too much ? I mean what a pig! How could I not go insane with all of that going on in my house.
But before I tell you this, I just want to make sure you fully understand how fragile I have been. After all, he was secretly married the whole time! I mean wouldn't you feel betrayed? I just felt dirty and used. He and I talked all the time about getting married; little did I know he had already taken the plunge. I just felt stupid. I felt like I should have known, somehow, you know?
So that's why it isn't so bad. What I did.. It had to be done. I mean it wasn't like I had another choice. Like really, I didn't. I mean what else could I have done?
And I hadn’t even done anything to hurt him or make him want to hurt me. Well I mean nothing THAT bad. Well. Nothing that he knew about!
But now, things haven't really gotten better. I thought that I would feel relieved and free and happy. But now I wake up every night in a cold sweat, panting and gasping for breath. I feel like I’m suffocating. I can't breathe, and when I do, the air is sharp, and it burns my throat.
Anytime I see a police car or if I drive past a church, my cheeks get hot; I can feel them burning. My legs feel heavy, and they tingle until they're numb. When I run into someone I know, my heart starts racing and I can feel the sweat droplets forming on my forehead and upper lip. They know. They can see right through me. I know they know.
But what was I supposed to do? I didn't have another choice. I didn't. You don't know what it's like. If it had happened to you, you would understand. Everyone would understand if it had happened to him or her. And just because it happened to me instead doesn't mean everyone can judge the choices I've made.
I'm fine. It’s fine. I didn't do anything terrible. I mean it's terrible, but I had to. There was nothing else to do. And I...oh gosh. What have I done? I can't escape it. I thought it would be okay.. I thought killing him would be okay, but I think I was wrong. I think I messed up. I can’t handle the guilt. And, I don’t know, I guess I just wanted someone to hear my side and understand what happened before I turn myself in.