This is the final draft of my monologue.
Okay I can explain. I know this looks bad, but I’m at least glad it’s you. Anyone else would judge me.. you aren’t judging me are you?? I mean when you think about it, when you think about all I've been through, it really isn't that bad. Okay well, it's kind of bad, but try to be open minded.
You know Joseph and I were never good for each other. You were one of the people telling me I should break up with him! And yes, I know this probably isn’t the way you imagined it, but I got a little crazy. I mean three years with a guy who has irritable bowel sydrome? How can someone stand that?? If he weren’t so good in bed I would have immediately ditched him at the letters IBS!
And he never held the door or said excuse me when he burped. I didn't deserve that. Everyone told me I deserved better than that. And I agree. I know they weren't just saying that. They wouldn't have said it if they didn't mean it. Would they?
And I admit I should have handled it better, but I was young. I was really young. I don't think people realize how young I was! I had barely been with any guys before him, so when I saw his penis for the first time, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had never seen something so big! If I had known there were plenty more just like it, I wouldn’t have dragged this out so long.
And we have been best friends for a long time, right? From day one, you told me that no matter what happened, you would always have my back. Remember? And I said the same. And I have! You’ve done some things that you shouldn't have, and I've had your back. You know, like, you…(pause) um…well I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but I’m sure it's happened. But regardless - the point is I need you right now. I need you to keep your word and have my back.
I mean not that I'm asking you. I know you never ask me for anything. And I'm not.. but you understand, don't you? I mean he was cheating on me! And I know it was pathetic for me to let it slide but we both know what a charmer he is.
I just, I mean, you know I was the victim, right? I mean you wouldn't have handled it well, would you?
You even saw the way he would unbutton his pants when he ate too much? What a pig! How could I not go insane with all of that going on in my house.
Okay, I know I’m not explaining this well. I just want to make sure you fully understand how fragile I have been. What would you do if you walked in on your boyfriend jacking off to gay porn? Lesbian porn is one thing but this was too much! I had just had it!
So that's why it isn't so bad. What I did.. It had to be done. I mean it wasn't like I had another choice. What else could I have done? It’s not like I killed him!
But now, things haven't really gotten better. I thought that I would feel relieved and free and happy. But now I wake up every night in a cold sweat, panting and gasping for breath. I feel like I’m suffocating. I can't breathe, and when I do, the air is sharp, and it burns my throat.
Anytime I see a police car or if I drive past a church, my cheeks get hot; I can feel them burning. My legs feel heavy, and they tingle until they're numb. When I run into someone I know, my heart starts racing and I can feel the sweat droplets forming on my forehead and upper lip. They know. They can see right through me. I know they know.
But what was I supposed to do? I didn't have another choice. I didn't. You don't know what it's like. If it had happened to you, you would understand. Everyone would understand if it had happened to him or her. And just because it happened to me instead doesn't mean everyone can judge the choices I've made.
I'm fine. It’s fine. I didn't do anything terrible. I mean it's kind of terrible, but I had to. There was nothing else to do. And I...oh gosh. What have I done? I can't escape it. I thought it would be okay.. I mean after he left that toilet seat up I was done. And I thought stabbing him would be okay. How could I know he wouldn’t be able to defend himself ? I mean he always held his own against his grandma Pearl when she got after him with the cane.. and he usually got up pretty quick when I would hit him from behind with the baseball bat..
Anyway that’s beside the point. The point is I didn’t mean for you to walk in on us with him chained to the bathroom wall and all. I know that looked bad. But I need you to know, he is not dead. He has only been in there for a couple of weeks. I dress his wounds every few days and he’s okay. I just don’t know what to do because I know that bastard will talk if I let him go.