Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1982446-Van-Helsings-Miraculous-Mouthwash
by words
Rated: ASR · Other · Comedy · #1982446
A conman's little scam backfires.
         Good afternoon, Ladies. Welcome to my modest establishment. A fine day, is it not? Please feel free to browse to your heart’s content. What brings you to our little town, may I ask? You’re here to see the old count’s castle? But, of course, you are. What else is there to see? I suppose we should be grateful to Hollywood and that dear Mr.Stoker for finally putting us on the map. Will you be going this evening at sunset? That is certainly the most popular time. Why, you may even get a glimpse of the count himself, although—and please don’t say I told you so—it’s more likely to be someone from the Tourist Board with a cape and plastic fangs just to impress the gullible. So, you see, there is little to fear…unless, of course, the moon is full, as it will be tonight. The old gentleman does tend to get a little restless at full moon. 
         Do not look so concerned, my dears. We have never lost a tourist yet. Ha! Ha! However, I am of the firm belief that it is better to be safe than sorry. To that end I have prepared a formula that offers complete protection against any eventuality at an absolutely rock-bottom price. One is not obliged to buy, for the count, like the crocodile, feeds but rarely, yet in the past he has displayed an unfortunate predilection for attractive young ladies…I did mention the full moon, didn’t I?
         Is my formula effective? How can you ask such a question? Of course it’s effective. Read what it says on the bottle: ‘Van Helsing’s 100% Proof Garlic Mouthwash. Guaranteed to drop the most Ravenous Vampire at Fifty Paces!’ It also has other benefits, but I will not embarrass  respectable young ladies like yourselves by enumerating them.
         Did we say one bottle, or two?
         Hallo again, Ladies. May I say you are looking particularly radiant this evening? One even more than the other, if that is possible. It must be our mountain air that brings such a bloom to your cheeks. You have arrived just in time, for I was about to close up for the night. Did you enjoy your trip to the castle yesterday? You did not? Now, that is most unfortunate. If there is anything I can do…? Even a free month’s supply of my magic formula, so you may experience all the other benefits…
         I beg your pardon? You have doubts about the efficacy of my formula, that same formula which came down to me in sacred trust, generation after generation, from the great Van Helsing himself? How can that be? Never before has there been any question of…Hold on a minute, though. Don’t tell me you actually met Old Red-eyes. You did? He didn’t! Really? Ought to be ashamed of himself, at his age. Well, that’s that, isn’t it? The damn garlic must’ve been off again. I told that fool chemist not to use that cheap Italian stuff. Might just as well use parsley. But never mind about all that. Why bother your little heads with abstruse technical details. The main thing is that I would be delighted to refund your money in full, with even a little extra to compen…
         What’s that you say, my pretty? It’s a bit late for a refund? And why…? Oh…yes…I see. That does look rather unpleasant, I must admit. And you’ve got one as well, have you? It…it is not too painful, I trust?
         Excuse me? What do you mean: I’m about to find out for myself?
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