My thoughts about the life I'm living.
|1. The brutal reality of romance is a war I have been losing for years.
2. I just want to be held. I want it so badly that I’m to the point of just giving myself away to anybody I see. I just can’t seem to find someone who’ll stick around longer than an hour. Maybe two, if said person bothers to try.
3. Time after time, I hear the endless excuses as to why I am not good enough to be loved.
“You swear too much. It’s not ladylike.”
“You have a lot of anger inside you.”
“You’re an extremely emotional girl.”
“You are not a good enough woman because you have decided that you do not want kids.”
4. It hurts to know that I wasn't good enough for any of them. I know I shouldn't view this as a reflection upon myself, but I do. I can’t help it. If you heard these enough times, you would too.
5. I've been rejected enough times to believe that I’m good enough to fuck, but not good enough to love. Day after day, someone tells me how beautiful I am, how we should go to their place and just “hang out.” As if I’m too stupid to understand what they’re really asking. I can hear it in your voice. I can see it in the way you lean towards me, the way you push my hair back. It might surprise you to realize that I’m not as stupid as you so obviously think.
6. I want to be wanted the way I desperately want others. I want someone to spend a full day with me and want to repeat it again tomorrow. I want someone to hear me speak and believe that what I say is important enough to actually listen to. I want someone to want my thoughts more than they want my body. I want to feel content with someone because I can see in their eyes that holding me for thirty minutes straight would be the highlight of their day.
7. I don’t want to be the center of someone’s world. I just want to be a major factor in it.
8. For years, they have tried to convince me that intimacy and affection were just instruments of greed, that the idea of wanting anything more than the little they gave me was just selfish. I gave up my power to anyone who was willing to take it and was left as nothing more than a pretty shell with no idea of how to be whole again.
9. Many times I have heard my friends tell me that there is nothing wrong with being alone, but they say this with smiles on their faces and their loved ones around their arms. I have been alone long enough to see that I would rather not be. I can be content by myself but I've had enough glimpses of companionship to know I won’t settle for being someone’s object again.
10. The brutal reality of romance is nothing but decisions and feelings that I can’t fathom. And it’s a war I’ll be losing for years.