This is a first review Assgnmtn 2
|Hi There Friend!
I just finished reading your story and I would like to offer you these impressions:
To me, the excitement, frenzy and the internal tumult you were aiming to capture in this story forms the highlight of this piece. It reminds me that how similar most of us are eventually, insecure to the bits especially on the eve of some important occasions. It is especially difficult to craft a story around such a premise but I liked what I saw, in bits and pieces.
Though, the premise of this story is in many ways unique but somehow I feel that it lacks the kick of humor/emotion. I see that at places you have tried it and have fared pretty well (example: A fall on my butt would hardly qualify me.) but I think you should give it another try. Try to fill in the scene with more descriptions of external factors too (say the color of the clothing of those present at the ceremony or the setting of the hall) and further polish the internal hesitation and questions of the central character.
Another suggestion would be to extend the story by revealing the contents of the envelope. You build it well but once you didn’t tell the details I was left a bit confused. Maybe it’s my own lack of mental acumen but then your reader could be intelligentsia as well as dumb headed like
There were a few places where minor changes would work wonders:
a) “…as I started walking down the isle after…”
Change Isle Aisle
b) “…fight the temptation and not to turn my head...”
Change “not to” “to not”
c) “…I just KNEW where staring at me, that I ended up staring at the people directly at my front …”
Change “… just knew were staring at me that I ended up staring at the people directly at my front. Of course, it did nothing for my nerves …”
d) “... Usually u couldn’t..”
Change “... Usually you couldn’t…”
e) “My attention was divided_ in unequal parts _ between”
Change My attention was divided in unequal parts between
f) “…she was around most of the time, over seeing our training process….”
Change “she was around most of the time, overseeing our training process.”
g) “…“Introduce yourself” lady noellas clear voice ringed through the hall...”
Change “Introduce yourself,” Lady Noellas clear voice ringed through the hall
The lasting memory of this piece in my mind
“I felt like the envelope was practically buzzing in my hand” This sentence paints quite a picture, doesn’t it? I could see her glistening eyes and sweaty palms in anticipation of the suspense.
I really think this is a good start and when you would polish it at pieces and produce a second draft you would see that how much more could be done with this tale. It deserves a push and lo, it would roll, I promise. Don’t forget to call out for the review. I will be more than happy to oblige!
Thank you for sharing your work! Keep writing and keep rocking.