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Rated: 13+ · Column · Comedy · #1995788
5 things you need to do in order to be unhappy

5- Steps to Unhappiness

         In the words of Chuck Lorre, "Inherent within our God-given right to the pursuit of happiness is the equally God-given right to the pursuit of unhappiness". In other words, just as much as we want to be happy and we strive to be, we are also capable of striving to be unhappy, with or without our knowledge of it. The purpose of this article is to help those who have too much happiness in their lives attain a state of psychological balance and also to help the unhappy people see how they got to their present state.


Step 1: Do not believe in God.

         Yes, this is definitely step one. If you want to be unhappy in life doubt the existence of a creator of the universe that wants nothing but the best for you. Don't bother yourself with the notions of those freaks that claim that God exists. Instead embrace atheism; believe some explosion of particulate matter formed the world and claim it explains why bombs are the preferred way nations battle with one another and throw away innocent lives. Doubt it, stubbornly doubt it, doubt that there is going to be a paradise and that everyone could be a part of a finally peaceful world. Doubt that some all-powerful immortal being loves you and is fighting for your good. I think this should be one of the first steps to unhappiness; throw away the notions of the bible and the choice to live by them but instead choose to be guided by the quotes of bank-breaking superhero movies.

Step 2: Get rich really fast:

         Nothing says, "I hate myself" more than a sudden disregard for money. It doesn't matter what you have to do to get the money: lie, cheat, steal, kill, act pornos, become a false prophet, or, if you want to go to hell at once, become a politician (which actually includes indulging in relatively all of the aforementioned), all that matters is that you get it quickly and in large quantities. Nothing destroys purpose of living more than having enough money to buy the entire world and beat your record the next time round. What all this money would do for you is simple; it would help you lose your sense of belonging and activate your long lost sense of pride, which is a detonator to the nuclear bomb of unhappiness in life. Get rich, and when you are, make sure you rub it in on the face of all the people less endowed than you; they'll hate you now, you'll hate yourself later, everybody wins.

Step 3: Develop a bad habit

         Increase your propensity to die old and alone by cultivating a dangerous habit. It could be something that kills slowly from incessant sniffs of cocaine, to something that sucks you dry of adrenaline every time like daredevil stunts with a bike that has no hydraulics. Just do it. They say smokers are liable to die young, so what? Equip yourself with philosophies like "we shall all die eventually". Stay ignorant of the fact that it's better to die of fulfilling old age than to die because your lungs are black and rotten and your sputum tastes like nicotine. Drink good, concentrated, quality alcohol, and the type that sends your liver into phases of total blackout with every passing sip. Don't take my word for it, bad habits are not as awesome as people say they are...they are more AWESOME. I could describe how great last night was, or you could drink two bottles of vodka and not remember it for yourself: your choice.

Step 4: Aspire to achieve a goal you can never reach.

         This particular one kills slowly but surely; I consider it proven fact that if you want to achieve the highest status of unhappiness, believe in the impossible. Seek to be something you can never be and make sure you don't even stand a chance. Strive for something ridiculously stupid like perfection or universal acceptance or... unconditional love from the human race. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, don't believe in rationality, possibilities and all that nonsense, believe that everything in life is attainable including the incredibly impossible. Become a pilot if you know you are scared of heights, become a cardiothoracic surgeon if you're sure you faint at the sight of blood, dare to be loved though you are utterly unlovable, demand respect in spite of your offensive behavior. The path to unhappiness is incomplete without your total commitment to make your life a living hell and purpose in your heart to live in self-deception.

Step 5: Disregard your family and friends.

         Now that you're a multi-billionaire with a fatal liver disease aspiring to be the first person who makes it to paradise and back even though you don't believe in God, it's time to throw away all earthly attachments to that thwarted e-mail you call life. And by attachments, I mean friends and family. Deny yourself of the most important portion of humanity; community. Change your name, delete every means of contacting them ever again, make up lies to escape them, deny ever knowing them and hearing about them your entire life. There's no way to achieve unhappiness without renouncing your relationship to everyone on earth (and possibly beyond) who is obliged to love you unconditionally and without apology. Think of it this way: if you really want to be unhappy, there's no way you can have family reminding you of how everyone needs to be there for one another. True unhappiness concedes loneliness; therefore to be unhappy you must be alone.

         The essence of this article is not to make a mockery of the unhappiness of others (no matter how much fun it was), but to show us the things that make us drift farther and farther away from our humanity. They are the things that make us want to close up our hearts and lock ourselves in the room of our own very minds; destroying us from within. They are what prevent us from seeing what's good in the world we live in and make us dwell in the evil we perceive around us. Unhappiness is not a consequence, but a choice. It is not because something sad happened that people cry, it is because they feel sad about what happened. We must open ourselves up to our grief, our pain and our shame, but we shouldn't let them eat us up otherwise we might end up going through life afraid to die and afraid to live as well.

Victor Enahoro

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