Okay. Haven't ever been this nervous, but I'm gonna put it all out there and just hope that someone can help.
My name... Is unimportant. I was born in 1992, and most of my life I was either physically abused by my mother or mentally abused by my father. So when I turned sixteen I got myself emancipated. Been working since I was nine years old. Either drug hustling or full time employment.
I have only ever been with two women, though I dated many. At the same time I am bisexual, though I've never been with a man I find certain types of men very attractive. The first woman when I was fifteen, she got pregnant and self aborted because she had a real bad meth and coke habit. The second woman for two and a half years we were engaged to be married. I thought she was my soul mate, though she wasnt physically attractive she got into my head and made me think I loved her. As it turns out she did just the same with two other men at the same time as me. When I was Seventeen to just about twenty.
Here is my conundrum.
I want nothing more then to find love, to no longer be alone, but anytime anybody shows any interest in me I shut down. I can't say anything, or if I can muster the courage to speak it comes out stuttering and stunted and unintelligent and often creepy.
But I know I'm not ugly, in fact I've been told by so many people that I'm movie star handsome. I'm six foot two inches tall weigh 200lbs flat very muscular and well built. Women always gush over my eyes. Because they change color periodically, sometimes very light blue some dark green and any shade inbetween. But they always say that my smile doesnt go to my eyes, they tell me that no matter which color they are theyre always sad.
Right now I work as a chef, in a high class asian bistro. I make very good money at it like 100,000$ a year. There's this bar I go to after work every day, Houlihan's, and have a few beers and some nachos.
I never finish the nachos, ever. But I sit and chill for a few hours.
So I can talk to the bartender.
We dont talk about our pasts, dont talk about exes, dont talk about goals, or possibilities, or anything. Mostly we talk about whatever's on television or whatever event's happening in town. I swill my beer, she stands close by cleaning and giving me fresh beers. She has sadness in her eyes too, and she is straight gorgeous.
But every day I coward out of asking for her number.
Every day, after exactly four, sometimes five beers, I get up pay my tab leave a fifty dollar tip, walk out and go home.
I'm over the abuse. Im over my firstborn being killed. I'm over being manipulated. These things are irrellevant, as they happened long ago. I mean yea, a certain amount of pain is still there, butI've moved on, I live a good life, I sing I dance, I'm happy.
I have a nice house a nice car some nice acquaintences.
I drink I smoke I play.
But in all my happiness, I'm still lonely, though I am not desperate, and will never beg.
Women cant get me tobeg or chase or show interest, men cant even get a friendly hello.
I have no interest in it. I know I'm bisexual, yet I lack any interest in having sex.
I dont even masterbate.
Cant remember the last time I was horny, dont remember the last time I felt I needed company. I'm lonely, but dont want to not be alone. What is wrong with me.
Sorry dont do alot of writing...