by Alex Clare
Trying to fall asleep again
|So it's approximately 12:48 AM and I've been lying here in bed crying for far too long. Maybe it's the music I'm listening to (hazy, Rosi Golan ft. some guy) or maybe it's the fact I'm due my period and my hormones are out of whack. Or maybe it's the fact that at night when I lie in bed alone without you is when it gets painfully real because soon this will be every single day for four years. It's when I lie in this bed far too big for my 5ft 2 self that I need you most. To feel your arm around my waist and feel your breathing on my neck. To feel safe and not alone. But most of all content. Not happy, content. Which is better than happy I think because if you are content you are carefree and so a wash with the intoxicating feeling of peace.
I don't know what I'm going to do Georgie. How am I supposed to cope without you? What am I going to do when you're sitting in a bar one day and some pretty girl walks over? What do I do when you ask her if you can buy her a drink? What do I do when she becomes the object of your desire? I'm so afraid for the day you meet this girl. I think about it all the time. I'll miss my chance with you because pretty girl will saunter in and what if one day you marry her? How am I supposed to sit at that wedding and watch as I lose you?
I haven't even left yet and I already miss being in your arms. I'm going to miss everything about you. The way you baby voice Flynn and Frankie when we are in the phone. The facts you tell me god I swear those facts are one of the things I love about you the most. I'll miss that look in your eye when you go serious and that little twinkle when you laugh. I'll miss your voice and your funny stories. This feels like one of the hardest things I'm ever going to have to do.
It's approximately 1:02 am (Collide, Howie...acoustic) and you are all I can think about , as usual. It's another day now, another lost day leading up to goodbye. I'm getting scared. Scared of going and scared of just how much I do really love you. It's not fair, how can a person I love this much be taken away from me. Why does it have to happen.
Why did we have to waste time with stupid arguments and intervening people. I regret every day I ignored you for something petty and I wish we had kept it going for as long as possible. We wasted so much time and now we don't have enough time left.
One day I want to move under the covers and feel the warmth of your body next to me and then I want to be able to turn to you and see you lying there sleeping. I don't want to feel alone. You'll wrap your arm around me and squeeze me tight and I won't ever feel lonely again just safe.
It's 1:15 AM now.
"I always think of you before I fall asleep. The words you said, the way you looked. The things we laughed about, the silent moments we shared. And when I dream, I'll dream of you. Because it's about you, it's always about you"
They say that we all end up chasing that feeling our first love injects, the drug we're hooked on for life, forever just searching for a high like it.
I fear I'll be searching for the rest of my life. Trying to find a shard of you in someone when I finally lose you.