A life spent hiding and unseen
So tightly closed she had to stay there for 27 years
1987 the sixteenth of February she was born and brought home, considering the circumstances she was born under, it wasn't good having her. Was the mother happy? Sad? Glad or disappointed?. The father was not happy to a point where he denied being her father. Then the pain and drama started.
The mother had to drop out of school and the fact that the house they lived in had completely burned down did not help at all, luckily no one was burned so they had to move, the mother worked two jobs to keep them going.
Things got going, the girl grew up and started to have the feeling, the feeling that sent her straight to the bottle so tightly closed she could not get out. She started feeling alone, lost and poor. She went to four different day care centers in one year due to school fees. Then the year ended she started school very far from home so much that once she had to choose between a school track suit or transport for a month. It was winter so she chose the track suit. She did pretty well at school but as fearful as she was she was sent out of class once because she made a mistake and was scared of a beating. Well who wouldn't be scared! Beating at home and at school would scare any one, so she was sent home, that did her no good because she got a beating at home. The mother did not even try to understand.
The years went buy, the beating got harder and the feeling got worse so the bottle closed even more tighter. She never participated in any sports, she wanted to though, but she was too scared. She tried athletics, she wished to try net ball or cricket, she even liked dancing and singing but never had the strength to do any. She was given the opportunity to join the debating team was pretty good at it, but she was weak and the bottle too tight so that faded away with every wish and dream. She was very clever and very intelligent but that as well as skills went unseen.
Then it was high school, same thing but some teachers saw the potential and tried to push, but the bottle was just too tightly closed. English was her favorite subject, she was pretty good at speeches and drama and was good at writing. She loved writing since she did not talk much, she wanted to though, but writing was her voice, through writing she could express her feelings, what and how she felt. She did not feel good at all, she was miserable, hurting and in pain, fool of fear she had a very low self esteem and no confidence at all, she was forever intimidated buy her peers and always in anvy of the successful. She had friends but was not happy in the friendship, forever feeling used and not loved, not needed and not special to any one, she never felt love. High school ended then tertiary.
She did not have means of helping her further her studies. She was not happy with her results, with that and being unhappy she wanted to live no more.
She attempted suicide, she did not really want to die, it was more of a cry for help, she really needed help. That did not help though, just made things worse. She was asked why she did it? She said its because her mother did not love her and she was tired of being unhappy. The mother got angry, very angry.
The year ended and another began and she was to register at an FET college, but due to finance again she registered with one of those colleges you just have to check if they are legal before u register with them. She was very unhappy to go there but managed to make friends. One thing she is able to do is form a click quickly. The friends were great she felt the love. School was alsa ok she graduated and decided to upgrade.
Went to another school, very expensive so it was very difficult. She had a boyfriend and there was a little bit of love but no happiness. He used her and she allowed it, but she got tired and dropped him.
Later she found love again, she was so in love and loved nothing else mattered. She almost got out of the bottle. She really tried but the bottle was just too tightly closed. She fell pregnant and had a baby boy. Things were great she really tried but the bottle just wouldn't open. Then things got bad they started to fight constantly and the fear of loosing love got to her, she panicked and made a mass of things. She is not really sure what happened or what she did wrong, but she believes its her fault.
The guy was really angry he kept pushing her away so hard she was hurt. He was so cruel and rude to her it was bad. She kept trying thou, but that did not help instead it pushed him even further. They don't talk any more but he is a good father to their son. He moved on and told her he did not love her anymore and will never again, that broke her heart and sent her deeper inside the bottle. She dropped out of school and is failing to get a job.
She even tried the voodoo stuff but things just got worse. She changed and went to God but still nothing. Then she met another guy, she felt the love and even turned te lid of the bottle a little it got loose, she tried to get out and it seemed possible. She slowly enjoyed living life and wanted to live. Then suddenly he cheated, started to lie and he alsa got cruel and insensitive, he kept on hurting her. He told her he was in love with some one else. She is hurting a lot.
Something good came out of the heart break. She wrote a song for him and discovered she is a really good writer. That puts a smile on her face. She wrote a few stories and was told they were very good.
She is loving to write and now wants to do something about her life and talent. She is not out of the bottle yet, but she knows what to do to get out. She just needs an opportunity to show her talent and finally get out of the BOTTLE so tightly closed she stayed there for 27 years.
By Nhlanhla Tshabalala