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Rated: 18+ · Essay · Emotional · #2010041
Second part of Panda Girl
I have no idea what love is. Well i guess i have an idea. But what does it feel like? I thought i felt it when i was 10, then again when i was 14 but since then i have pushed anything away that came close. I was destroyed and reborn at 15 when my girlfriend broke up with me.
Now, here, 01:53, my room in Zagreb, there are too many variables for me to understand what the hell I am feeling. One moment I am hammering the walls out of frustration, out love, anger, misery, hopelessness or just pure acting. I am quitting the cancer sticks, maybe for her, maybe for me or maybe because I'm sick. I want her so bad. I love her. Do I? well something is definitely going on in my chest and the doctors could not really explain it. A side effect of a sinus infection. I actually found that out myself. High five google. I am stressed but I have no reason to be stressed. If only I did what I was supposed to. If only I was not me.
So she likes me, but she does not want me, she does not tell me to fuck off, she just does not really talk back. We had sex, it was great until it stopped before the end. I wanted more, she wanted sleep. I was restless, she was resting. We woke up, love was in the air. 2 hours of love. 1 week later she hates me. I said I want to try to get her. She says I should not like her. She tells me to ask our mutual friend about her. I say I don't care what he thinks. She's afraid. So she tries to scare me. She drives me crazy. If only I did not like her, then I could just call her bitch and be done with it. I become sad, tensing my jaw. Everything is emotional, so fuck you. Like a junkie I want her to write me. I promise myself I wont write her. I wait. Wait some more and then I write. When she answers like she does not care, my anger rises with the strength and stamina of a 1000 men. Ready to destroy my new laptop after I destroyed the last one. Then hopelessness when I think she does not like me. I want to ask her straight out if she wants me to back off but I don't want this misery to end. It might end good. But it wont. I want to save her. Well I really don't know what she wants me to do. I don't think she does either. I ask her, she gives no answer. She makes me pity and care for her. If she wanted a one night stand she should not be so fucking great. Ain't my fucking fault half of her likes me. Ain't my fucking fault half of me likes half of her.
Where is the line between romantically trying to get a girl and hopelessly annoying and bothering a girl beyond ...yahhh.. fuck it. Ive asked that so many times. There is no generalized answer. All women are different. Thank god. The most malicious creatures you will find in this world are: Women, children.
Why are my emotions so strong? I don't mind being honest. I just mind that everyone else minds. With my emotions on my clothes I wander through this insignificant world of drunk, horny Erasmus students. There ought to be some girl here that can hold my attention for more than a night. I don't need sex, my right hand, cybersex and tubegalore.com can always surprise. I want what we had that morning. That 1 hour of romance. The kissing... the sighing.. touching eachother, the complete trust. I don't need no games. I don't like the games. I like flirting but fuck...

Troy Jarmes
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